So last week didn’t quite go to plan. What was meant to happen was we were having our big family Christmas on Friday night.
I had arranged everything to perfection.
I actually bought enough food to feed an army. Which makes a change for me as I barely remember to feed just the two of us.
I bought a full Christmas feast too, turkey, beef, gammon, the whole shebang.
I arranged transport for my mum and dad because of the snow and ice, I wanted to get them here safely.
I bought all the presents, and wrapped them beautifully.
The table was laid (obvs, this is me after all).
It was Christmas!
I worked my arse off to make it perfect, unfortunately though the universe wasn’t too interested in my plans.
…bless them, the poor things, Sam, Milly and Zak had to cancel coming up…
Zak had German measles (very retro)
Sam had an ear infection
Milly had a chest infection
Such rotten luck, they were all so poorly, the poor things. It was really sad seeing them so low, via FaceTime.
What’s that saying I say all the time!?
“We make plans, and God laughs”
So I now have a freezer bursting at the seams, and a sad hole where family Christmas gathering joy should be sitting.
We had a whole weekend of activities planned as well. Some of which had to be amended, some of which could still go ahead, some of which was cancelled.
Bless him, Chris knew how gutted I’d be about the plans changing, so as a surprise he booked us into a hotel in London to make it a bit more special and fun.
Saturday was a big day. Were were off to see our 2 year postponed ballet. We’d booked The Nutcracker at the London Coliseum (it’s an absolute treat if you ever get the chance) two years ago, then the world went crazy for a bit, but it finally went ahead this year.
I’m not a ballet enthusiast…
“Oh you do surprise us Suzanne, with your love of the arts and theatre and all!!”
My dead inside-ness most definitely extends to the ballet, as well as stage shows and musicals.
I can’t cope with anything along that line, and going to see the ballet, Sleeping Beauty a few years ago cemented my self awareness that anything live, on stage - including - and especially - interpretive/expressive dance, gives me the absolute ick!!
But The Nutcracker is different. It’s just a bit more user friendly, and slightly less full of preening prima donnas.
Just as a side note, I do ballet myself as I do my housework. I had one singular lesson as a five year old. I refused to join in by myself, and the very austere dance teacher made my mum get up and do it with me. In front of all the other watching mums. Needless to say I was not taken back to any further ballet lessons.
But I do a wonderful pirouette round the living room hoovering. :)
It’s really very beautiful. And it just feels like Christmas, like a glass of sherry and a mince pie in dance form.
We had spare tickets so we invited Ben and Kim along. One was more keen to see it than the other, no prize for guessing which one.
Dress from Micheal Kors, Bag from Christian Dior, Boots from Valentino.
Kim enjoyed it. Ben, not so much. Not that I can comment because I dislike most shows I’ve ever been to, so he gets it from his mama. ;)
Although I do feel he might have taken it a step too far when he fell asleep, then woke up and the interval and asked where all the swans were at??!!
They’re at Swan Lake Ben!! Where they belong! Hahahaha
Okay, so the ballet isn’t for everyone, but I knew that anyway. :)
After the ballet Chris and I headed off to dinner with part of the group we’d booked it for. And Ben and Kim headed back to snowy Essex.
We had a lovely evening catching up with friends. London was radiating such a happy feeling.
We finished off our final bits of shopping and headed back to the hotel.
I’m very lucky, firstly I get to do lots of amazing things. I never take that for granted.
I’m also very lucky that because of my experience I know how incredibly blessed I am, I live every day in gratitude.
So many factors could mean my life would’ve become a shell of its former self, rather than this shining beacon of wonder and joy that it is.
Firstly I could be married to someone who doesn’t elevate me like Chris does, so much so I feel like a queen.
Do you really think I could be this stoma positive or body positive if I didn’t have someone spurring me on to believe in myself? I really don’t think so.
I appreciate it is possible to feel confident in your skin without outside influence, it’s also possible it’s old fashioned for me to need the reassurance of someone else, but for me it’s both vital and welcome.
Some of my positivity comes from the sheer elation of being alive still - some comes from somewhere deep inside my brain telling me it’s fine to live with adjustments as long as you get to live.
Nothing else really matters does it? Bag-less and dead isn’t ideal to say the least.
When we first found out I had cancer, I remember sitting in the doctors office in shock, in utter horror - faced with what I perceived to be the trauma of a fractured life (that’s quite apart from the will I survive this thoughts).
If I did survive what was the point if I’d never be able to show my face in the world again! I would be this mutated version of me.
I’d be less.
I’d be damaged.
I looked at Chris and he saw all of that.
And he held my hand and said “you’ll be amazing, you’ll still be special - and quite honestly I wouldn’t care if you were just a head in a jar as long as I could keep you in my life with me. We’ll still be us”
It makes me a bit emotional to think of those dark days back then.
He knew I’d shine. I didn’t. He made me feel whole and enough, and he made me believe I’d be a better version of myself.
And he was right. I am better for the adjustments made.
I prefer my stoma to shitting myself, I’m funny like that.
But when I look in the mirror naked, I see me, not a damaged, lesser version. I see the real me, not just a survivor - but a thriver too!
I cannot even comprehend that I ever thought I’d never go out of the house again once I’d had the stoma surgery.
Because what actually happened was, the doors opened and I ran towards them.
Out through them and into the world to play.
I’ve been on 22 flights this year alone. My green credentials suck, by my enthusiasm and zest for life is unquantifiable.
I have been everywhere I’ve ever wanted to go, and some that I realised I didn’t want to go, but still glad I went anyway.
If only I could go back and tell that just diagnosed me that’s it’s going to be okay, and in all honesty, it’s going to be so much better than it ever was.
I am whole, I am enough and I am here - living!
We had a lovely lie in Sunday morning.
I got up and realised what I’d forgotten to pack for the night away. There is always something, I am a serial forgetter! This week’s forgotten items were my face cream (I can only use one brand as everything else brings me out in spots), and my hairbrush.
So that wasn’t the best start to the day.
I used the free body lotion in the hotel on my face (urrrrrrrggghh, it’s making me retch thinking about it now) and I used my fingers to brush my hair.
So I felt fabulous as you can imagine.
We headed over to Harrods to get some bits and bobs with my clubcard from there.
Unfortunately we arrived 45 minutes too early for opening time, the queues were already brewing and it was pissing down with icey cold rain.
It was at this point I found my line in the sand.
I said to Chris I no longer fancied it. We were just going to head home instead. But genius that he is suggested we try and get a table at Chutney Mary on the off chance they had one…
And they did!! ;)
Jumper from Ralph Lauren, Jeans from New Look, Boots from Valentino.
I might have unbrushed hair and spot inducing face cream on but as long as I have Chris and curry, I have everything. :)
For a completely chopped and changed weekend it actually turned out alright. And we still have Christmas to look forward to, and then after that extra Christmas!
:)
We had a little dinner party last night, so our Christmas table didn’t go completely to waste.
Dress from Dorothy Perkins, Tights from Tesco.
Okay, so it wasn’t the meal it was planned for, but take away curry is a perfectly acceptable Christmas dinner if you ask me. Hahaha
…we will be having a traditional Christmas Day meal on the day, and more importantly, we will be having a new scape for the occasion too. :)
I wish you peace, happiness and most of all good health for Christmas.
Have a wonderful time and MERRY CHRISTMAS ALL.
Xxxx