This blog crashed yet again. I do apologise for the inconvenience.
I can’t explain how free and safe we feel now we’ve had Sam’s biopsy results back.
And although he’s still in a lot of pain with the stomach tumour, he feels lighter and brighter knowing it’s benign and not going to attempt to kill him.
He was at his wits end, we all were. There is nothing like that feeling of waiting for lab results - and if you have experienced it or are experiencing it now, I’m sending so much love and luck to you.
We’re finally able to breathe that sigh of relief - Christ it was a massive one, I’m surprised you didn’t hear me from there.
Everything just feels better. Everything feels elevated and the world is back in glorious Technicolor!
Unfortunately for those that have had cancer, the fear of its return is never far from your thoughts, but for now, we are safe.
It was Chris’s birthday last Wednesday, so Ben and I decided to surprise him with a meal at one of his favourite restaurants. We just didn’t let him know Ben was going to join us.
Chris and I went up to London early, for a little mooch round Harrods, before heading to dinner at Madhus Brassiere in Harvey Nics.
I had a bit of a mare before we headed out;
Firstly I’d been volunteering at the food bank in the morning, it was so busy, which is heart breaking enough as it is. I was on greeting and tea making duties. I got chatting to one of the customers. I can’t go into detail about what we chatted about, but one thing they said is haunting me.
They were incredibly distressed at having to use the food bank. They said “I don’t know how it’s come to this, last Christmas I was doing perfectly fine and donating to a foodbank and this year I’m using one”.
Thankfully we are there to catch those when they fall, but it is a common misconception that people want to be there, that they are taking advantage and playing the system.
A bit of info about foodbanks;
Most people who come have jobs.
You can’t just turn up and get food, it’s not used as a free supermarket. You have to be referred by a service - the council, schools, citizens advice etc.
(That said, if someone did turn up in desperate need we’d find a way of getting them referred, a voucher issued, and fed. But it’s not as simple as being able to turn up for free stuff weekly)
The team at the foodbanks offer non judgemental help. They are warm, friendly, with a ready smile and a cuppa.
There is no shame in having to use one. The only shame is the country is in such a state they need to.
Last week really upset me. I was told that I’m too empathetic - I refuse to believe that there is such a thing. But I will admit that I am emotional in emotional situations, and although it probably isn’t very professional of me, at least the person I was chatting to felt humanised, listened to and understood.
I enjoy volunteering because it makes me feel good, it boosts me. I found volunteering a gave me real purpose when trying to deal with the death of a friend and then straight after that, my darling cousin. I couldn’t make sense of those passings, but I could channel the grief somewhere useful.
There is no such thing as a selfless good deed, volunteering helps me as much as I’m helping someone else. I’d thoroughly recommend it if you’re in a low spot.
Anyway I got home from there, and got ready to go out. I changed my bag, and then couldn’t decide if the new bag was now leaking smell or not. I gave myself about 45 minutes of is it? Isn’t it? Before I decided the best thing to do was change it yet again.
I’m really very lucky. Firstly I live in a country where I have access to free stoma supplies, and secondly I live in a county/doctors practice that supplies me with what I ask for, not what they think I should get.
I heard from a lady once, who was only allowed only 30 bags a month!!
30!! A month?!? Some months have 31 days in it for starters, and some days have bag disasters which require more than one bag change. I was wild with fury when I heard from her. The outrageousness of someone unbagged dictating what a stoma user can and can’t have sent me wild.
If you are in that situation (UK only as I have no idea how other countries work), I’d first book an appointment with your GP, and explain the situation in real terms, ie, sometimes shit happens…literally, and 1 bag a day isn’t enough.
I’d be sickly sweet and appeal to their better nature - you get more with honey than vinegar.
If all else fails contact your MP and the local papers. It should be a right to have the ability to change a bag as and when needed.
I’m really really very lucky. I have a for the most part, a well behaved colostomy. But even me, with my perfect little stoma, can find myself in a bit of a pickle, and need a new bag on.
I change my bag once a day, first thing in the morning, when I’ve had my shower. But I will change it before I go out in the evening for dinner, and before I want to be intimate, and if I were the sort to go to a gym, before that too!
There are many and various reasons why I will want a bag change. And seeing as I have to live with the “indignity” of shitting in a bag stuck to my belly I feel I, and others like me are entitled to do so.
(Ps, I absolutely DO NOT feel undignified for having a stoma, I was just using it as example as to how and why it’s different to owing a bumhole).
I happen to feel empowered by mine, yes, I know, I’m a weirdo. But I feel what I feel and I’m very happy about it.
Cardigan from Ralph Lauren, Top from Dorothy Perkins, Coated jeans from Quiz, Boots from Ralph Lauren, Bag from Tods
He had a deservedly happy birthday. He is the best human I’ve ever met in my entire life.
The food at any Madhus is sensational! It’s some of the best Indian food you’ll ever have, and Madhus Brassiere is the most chilled out, relaxed place to try it.
The food at the Southall branch is incredible but a bit of a shlep from Braintree. The food at Madhus at The Dilly is also incredible and the surroundings are beautiful, it’s a fantastic one for a date night.
But the Brassiere is good food, chilled out.
Chris was so pleased to see Ben arrive. I managed to keep it secret, which is a miracle in itself as I am a total blabber mouth.
We ate too much, and then to add to it, I produced from my bag a Colin the caterpillar cake…because a birthday isn’t one without it!
Chris had no idea that I’d been carrying him around all afternoon in my handbag.
(We were all absolutely stuffed after the meal, so Colin, or Curly in the case, was put back in my bag to take home.
I was heading out the next morning, picked up my handbag, got in the car, off I go. I delved into my bag later on to get something out, only to discover I was still carrying a caterpillar cake with me! Hahaha I like to be prepared for any eventuality! Hahaha).
Friday night Chris and I headed out for a curry with my cousin and her husband (yes, curry does feature highly in our lives. We had it morning noon and night in India and it was the best time of our lives!)
We went to a restaurant near their house in Buckhurst Hill, called Tandoor Chambers. I’d definitely recommend it if you’re in the area. They do they most incredible broccoli dish that is divine! My mouth is watering just thinking about it).
Dress from DKNY, Boots from Gucci.
Having got myself all paranoid about smelling a few days before I started to get on edge again.
Yes ~ I love the convenience of my colostomy.
But no ~ I’m not so confident I don’t mind it smelling!
There’s a bit of difference.
I think I look fine, I feel bold, confident and empowered (For me surviving cancer is more important than pooing in a bag. Nothing, absolutely nothing can diminish the joy of survival).
But I do not do well if it leaks. It’s that one final taboo. Aesthetics aren’t my issue, although I know for some stoma wearers it is, and I totally understand that, my one insecurity is smelly.
The meal out was amazing. And obviously seeing my cousin is a treat too.
The weekend came and we had sweet FA planned and it was heaven.
I had to go and collect a new garden coffee table from Neptune in Colchester, as you can see I’m well on the ball and bought it in good time…for the snow up arrive…
Other than that it was just a weekend of chilling out, and table scaping. Some people meditate, I scape.
Dress from Sainsbury’s, Coat from Boss, Bag from Goyard, Boots from DKNY.
Sometimes I like to get dolled up even if I’m not doing anything, and sometimes I will slob about in a tracksuit…which has never even seen a track let alone used one!
Dress from Sainsbury’s, Hat from Accessorize, Boots from DKNY
First sign of a thick frost and I went full Anna Karenina! ;)
Chris and I had nothing planned, and also I had bought no food, which is weird for a weekend at home, from a professional house wife.
I’m full time, I didn’t say I was any good at it. ;)
So we went out for a fancy brunch…well, we went to Gridserve in Braintree, which isn’t exactly Bluebird - Chelsea, but they do do a lovely cheese toastie and hot chocolate. :)
Come the afternoon, after clearing out some wardrobes, and dropping it all off at a charity shop we decided to go for fish and chips at the seaside.
…by the time we got there it was pitch black, but just as lovely.
It’s one of our favourite things to do, although usually it is daylight.
Then Sunday night as Chris and I watched yet another shit Christmas film, actually this one was so sooo bad we had to turn it off and watched Wednesday on Netflix instead.
My friend text to say it was snowing, I said not here it isn’t, I’d just been outside so I knew my stuff!
Only, I still don’t know England well enough, because in between me coming back in only minutes before it was snowing heavily and settling!
Que Anna Karenia again!!
I’m not out doorsy at all, until you add snow and then I’m like Nanook of the North.
Nothing, literally nothing beats snow. :)
I said there would be more table scapes before Christmas, so far this week I’ve done two…
