This blog contains talk of death and funerals, so please feel free to skip it if this is an upsetting topic for you.
But it is something I feel incredibly passionately about.
When someone dies it feels all consuming. We are cut adrift from the rest of the world ~ as it carries on its merry way, while we sit in a vacuum of utter shock and despair.
So knowing what the person wanted for their funeral is so important, and because it’s a taboo subject in our culture, we don’t have these conversations about what we’d like or not like, and we rarely know definitively what our loved ones really would have wanted.
It leaves us to fill in the void of what has been left unsaid…And it’s an incredibly difficult task to do.
How are we to guess what they would have preferred, or what their wishes truly were.
A will is about sharing out what we once owned, but doesn’t necessarily contain personal preferences for what we would like our funeral to look like.
If someone is poorly in the lead up to their death, they tend to be able to discuss their funeral wishes, but sometimes death comes for us at the most inconvenient of times, and it leaves those of us left behind in shock and grief, with no clue of what their loved ones wishes were.
So I decided to get the conversation started within my family.
Myself, Chris and my mum have now filled out these books you can buy. They are so helpful, and will be a godsend when the time comes.
My dad however out did us all, and has actually arranged and paid for his funeral (no, he’s not ill by the way, not in the slightest, those two are fitter than me), but he knew what he wanted and paid for it. It gave him peace of mind that when the time comes everything is sorted.
He’s prearranged it, saving my mum the distress of fumbling her way through the arrangements blinded sided by grief - It’s genius actually.
He’s a man who in this life doesn’t like fuss, plus he believes once you’re dead you’re dead, that’s it, nothing after.
And his choice of funeral reflects the fact he can’t bear raw emotion and all that crying and stuff.
He has arranged one of those pure cremation services. When the time comes, they come and collect you, take you away to be cremated, and drop your ashes back to your loved one after.
No funeral service, no gathering, no fuss, nothing. Picked up, dropped off, job done.
Which may sound shocking and strange. But it does make sense that he has exactly as he wishes.
I think it’s brilliant for him, he’s quiet and unassuming, it’s very him, and a funeral should reflect your choices and character.
That’s the part he has full autonomy over, and that is sorted. He’s happy and that is only right and fair, people should absolutely be allowed to have what they want.
My mum and I are both in agreement that his funeral choice makes complete sense for him. He’s a very pragmatic fuss free man, and we will fully adhere to what he wants.
…But at some stage afterwards, we will arrange a celebration of life event, this could be months and months later, depending on the time of year.
I know a gorgeous hotel that would be perfect, beautiful gardens, beautiful function rooms, fabulous food (It’s actually where I’d have my wake after my funeral service if I still live around here by then).
So at some stage we’ll have a little gathering of family members to celebrate and enjoy the fact he lived and that he was loved.
We’ll have a big screen showing photos of him over the years, some of his favourite music playing, and a lovely buffet.
*(He’s not party to this information, because this part isn’t for him, it’s for us. And the nice thing about is, you don’t need to do it while your still in the initial stages of grief, you can leave it till you feel capable and calmer, to be able to celebrate a long life lived very well).
My funeral will be slightly different…
I have a dress code for one thing you expected anything less? 😂
Black, black and more black, it’s my funeral, I am dead, I’m assuming for the most part people will be sad (some won’t of course, they’ll finally get their wish, so my demise isn’t all bad I guess 🤩😂 remember, every cloud has a silver lining and all that!).
I find it very incongruent to be in bright happy colours at a funeral, I’ve been to a few and they make me feel so conflicted in my heart.
It is perfectly normal to cry and feel sad, grief is the rawest of emotions, and it’s all part of the journey to finding peace again.
For me, funerals are traumatic and desperately sad, and black reflects that. In some ways it makes it easier for me to bear. Not that there’s anything easy about any of them, they are painful no matter what.
But my black dress code doesn’t just stop at that, I want full glamour black. Think of a funeral in an Agatha Christie novel and that’s pretty much it.
Black hats, black veil, black gloves, bring the glam and class, add in a few pearls and you are good to go.
The black austere theme is only for the dress code though, the rest will be like a spring day. I want a beautiful wicker coffin, with floral fabric lining, basically think of a Country Life magazine picnic photo shoot, and that’s the vibe I want.
I’d like beautiful colourful in season flowers ~ Bright and happy.
The ones on top of my coffin are to be the only flowers. I don’t want any others. I definitely don’t want the worded ones. I’d rather people make a donation to a charity than spend money on dead flowers for a dead woman who won’t get to see them in the flesh.
Preferably it’ll be a beautiful sunny day, in about 50 years time…
I’m hoping whoever is arranging it can find a celebrant (no point in asking a religious person to do it, as much as I live by some religion’s rules of kindness, tolerance and charity, I do not follow any one religion) who can convey how I lived my life, but not be cringy. Some really can be a bit cringe, which gives me the ick.
If possible I’d prefer family and friends to share some fun memories and moments, rather than a stranger regurgitating fed lines, that mean nothing to them personally. But I appreciate it’s an incredibly big ask to request loved ones are that composed during this time.
Talking about funerals won’t change your destiny. It’s not a prophecy. It’s not calling it on. It’s merely respectful to those you love that you have saved them from the added burden of not knowing what you wanted.
One benefit of writing it while you are well and in a good place is that it takes the rawness of emotion out of the picture, you are in a head space of peace of mind, and not one of pain and sadness.
It truly is a gift to your family so that they don’t have to guess what you would have wanted. I feel this is an important conversation no matter your age too. Young or old, it’s so important, it’s like carrying a donor card - you’ve left word of what you want to salve some of their pain and distress.
It’s also incredibly important, and I know a few people personally who’ve lost loved ones, and this has happened to them - With the death came the loss of all photos and information stored on their phones and devices because they had left no specific instructions that their relative could access them.
Without consent you can’t legally access it.
Most of us live with our phones as our very own time capsule, imagine no one being allowed to go in and transfer all of your beautiful photos and memories on to a different device.
With death comes the loss of access to bank accounts, insurance coverage and phones etc.
You have to leave definite details and instructions for accessing them. You need to give written permission or passwords. I feel it’s very important to state very clearly that your nearest and dearest have permission to get into them.
(Ps, it’s a very very good idea to make a will as well as a list of instructions).
This will contain photo ideas for outfits for the day, no pressure, but I will haunt you if you don’t adhere to it. 🤩😂
…Because unlike my dad, I very much believe in there being something after here, I don’t know what it is, but if there is a haunting opportunity I will be.
This section will remain blank, because I’m pretty good at apologising when I’m in the wrong.
…And if we haven’t spoken in a long very long time, as in, not at all, well, there’s a good reason for that, because it takes an awful lot for me to cut people out, I can take a lot, and I have done over the years, but once a line has been crossed, that’s it, I’m done.
The dress code;
Think all black outfits, super chic and clsssy…
The rest of my requests for the service will reflect my favourite things; music that I will enjoy on the day, and yes, I’ll be there watching…
I’m definitely having Adagio For Strings, like Grace Kelly had at hers.
I love ABBA’s I Believe In Angels, The Carpenter’s On top of the world, and Always look on the bright side of life from Monty Python.
…Oh go on, throw in Vera Lynn’s We’ll meet again as the congregation files out - the Chef’s Kiss of final goodbyes.
The wake will be at Down Hall Hotel, where I go for my yoga classes (if I still live locally to here), a nice afternoon tea would be lovely, or a good buffet ~ either way vol-u-vents are a must no matter the food choice.
There’s a big screen already set up in the Prior Room for showing the photos of me and moments that meant a lot to me, add in a bit of cheery music, for the chance to enjoy and remember the fun we had together.
*There should be at least an attempt at table scaping, even if it’s just a hurricane lamp and some sprinkled flower petals (I’m happy to keep it simple) But absolutely no tat or glitter or god forbid ~ sequins. Keep it classy people! 😂
The wake should be as cheerful as possible, laughter will be actively encouraged, it’s a time to celebrate the fact I got to live an amazing life that I loved it, and squeezed the pips out of, I intend to do the same in the next life too!
My headstone will reflect my family situation at that point, and the dates I lived and died, with the added text;
“What will survive of us is love”
…Plus a QR code that leads to this blog, all publicity is good publicity right? ;)
This is the sort of look I’m after, I guess it will depend on the time of year though.
I had always thought I’d be cremated, but I think I’d like a proper head stone, not one of those mini ones, so maybe one of those woodland burial grounds would be nice.
In life I preferred long romantic walks to Selfridges…but in death I think I’d like to take it easy and rest somewhere beautiful.
But the very most important thing, apart from passwords and giving permission to access devices, is to tell people what they mean to you now, while you are alive, and so are they.
Tell people you love them. Tell them all, and regularly. Don’t leave the words and feelings unsaid.
As well as telling the people closest to you how you feel, I like to do little things to make the world a better place while I’m here and now.
Tell strangers they look beautiful (I did this Thursday in London, a lady had the most strikingly beautiful blue dress on, she looked stunning, so I told her. She said it made her day, and in turn, it made mine as well because it lifted my spirits to have lifted hers).
It cost me nothing to say it, but she looked so happy, but a bit surprised some random woman was complimenting her, but I believe a stranger is just a friend you haven’t met yet. 🫶🏼
…So, now we must move onto my blog and what I’ve been up to and what I’ve been wearing doing it.
This is a post cancer, colostomy lifestyle blog after all. And for now I am very much alive and well and loving living this extraordinary life. 🙏🏼
The weather here is a mixed bag of extremes. I suppose it always is here, you’d think we’d be used to it by now.
But one minute it’s glorious sunshine and a very pleasant 18 or 19 degrees, the next it’s minus 1 and frosty.
Deciding what to wear isn’t always easy.
Vest from Intimissimi, Jumper from Tesco, Leggings from Topshop, Shoes from Kate Spade.
I was in the mood for a bit of spring shopping, wardrobe upgrading.
I tried this outfit on and wasn’t completely sure I actually needed it, but I did love it.
I think I’m embracing my full scale Sloane Ranger era! :)
Outfit from Ralph Lauren.
Continuing the Sloany vibes…
Shirt, Jeans and loafers from M&S, Jumper from Ralph Lauren.
This was my picking Zak up from school outfit. And was perfectly matched to the weather conditions.
This was an easier pick up, because Chris took a half day off work, and drove us down to Hampshire. It still took 3 hours to get there but at least I didn’t have to drive or train it.
It takes me 5 hours of travelling by train, and it’s worth every single second of it.
It was so nice to share this with Chris, a rare treat.
Then Friday we headed up to London to meet friends for dinner and one of our favourite places in the world.
Top from Ralph Lauren, Trousers from M&S, Shoes Jimmy Choo.
Coat from Max Mara.
Actually, maybe Chutney Mary should do the catering for my funeral. :)
We had such a wonderful time. The food is out of this world.
And Friday nights out are so much better than any other night, it really elongates the weekend feeling.
Then Saturday we had a lazy breakfast in bed, followed by a quick trip to Costa for a hot chocolate.
People often say to me that I always dress so nicely, that’s very kind, but the truth is, I take photos when I am, and less so when I’m not. ;)
Saturday morning I went to Costa, in my traditional weekend hot chocolate trip attire, unwashed, unruly and in my slippers and pyjamas…
I don’t get out of the car, that’s Chris’s job, I just go for the ride out. :)
Then it was back home to get the house, table and myself ready for my mum’s birthday lunch.
I baked a cake, ooooh, get me!
And Erin cooked the most incredible meal, she is a fabulous cook.
I laid a beautiful table scape ~ we all should play to our strengths in life.
I finally got washed and put on my favourite spring dress.
Dress from Ralph Lauren, Shoes from Jimmy Choo
And we are good to go…
Look at that beauty! 🍓
It was such a lovely day. My mum appreciated everyone’s efforts.
Ben enjoyed the progress he’d made with befriending my baby birds.
I spend an awful lot of my time covered in them, but it’s a novelty for most other people.
Don’t panic, I don’t insist on them doing this to anyone, Ben wanted them to. I know a lot of people have phobias of birds.
I love them, I don’t expect anyone else to.
…Then Monday morning it was back to normal and back to yoga. It’s the most beautiful place for it.
Outfit from Tesco.
Doing yoga in beautiful surroundings is such a blessing. I absolutely love it. I’m no good at it, but that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy it.
(This is the Prior Room I mentioned earlier, the tv screen for the photos on a loop is behind the curtain).
Then it was back home to tidy up after the weekend, and a quick spring refresh of the decor.
The sunshine makes me feel infinitely better, like anything is possible.
Back to my Sloane era…or is this more American preppy?
Jumper from Ralph Lauren, Jeans from M&S, Shoes from Kate Spade
Cardigan from Ralph Lauren, Vest from , intimissimi, leggings from Topshop, Loafers from M&S
Then Thursday I headed into London to pick some bits up that were in for repair from a jewellers - it’s a fabulous company that I use.
I broke the chain on a necklace a few weeks ago, which needed replacing, but while it was there I decided to have the clasp and ring made bigger, mainly because none of us are getting any younger, and I can’t do up the fiddly little clasps. I’ve had it made into the necklace equivalent of bold giant phone font. Hahahah
They made a fabulous job of it, which I knew they would.
They designed and built my sapphire ring Chris had made for my recovery from cancer. The ring I coined my ‘Bowel Replacement Therapy Ring’. It’s so hard to believe it’s 15 years old now!
(‘Ice cool diamonds’ are on instagram, this is not a paid ad, but I’ve been going to them for so long, and they are worth a mention if you want something made or repaired).
This is where I had my first bit of good fortune of the day;
When I got the quote through the other day for the repair, gold was at a high, but when they bought the gold to replace the chain, the price had dropped by £100. So they passed that saving on to me! Happy days!
I then headed to Harrods to buy a pair of shoes I had saved up my Vinted money for. I mentioned them last week in my blog, and said how much I loved them, and how much I wanted them.
Well the colour way I was after had been taken off of their website, which I thought was really weird. So I rang Hermes customer service on Tuesday to ask if they had any in my size in that colour, in the UK, and I was told no, they were sold out in that colour throughout the whole of the land, and online.
Which I was gutted about, because I’d sold all that stuff on Vinted, and was now ready to buy them.
I thought I’d go to the Hermes store in Harrods and see what they had available in my size anyway.
The first pair he brought out were beautiful, not the colour I was after, but really lovely. And I did consider buying them…until he brought out the colour I had rung and asked customer service about on the Tuesday.
It would appear that their head office doesn’t have up to date stock details of their department in Harrods.
I couldn’t believe my luck! They are dreamy. And so comfortable and classy.
They will get a lot of wear this summer.
I tickled my own fancy for this outfit choice.
I was heading into town dressed like a boss bitch head of a small to medium sized bank or something, when in fact all I was doing was spending my Vinted money 😂
Why I have a pin stripe suit to start with I have no idea, I just wanted one. Chris bought it for me for Christmas.
Pin stripes aren’t just for the workforce, housewives from the countryside can rock them too!
Suit and Jumper from the Bella Freud and M&S collaboration. Shoes from Kate Spade, Bag from Dior.
I had a lovely day out, mooching around by myself, it was a very positive day, good things just kept happening. I rounded a corner as I was leaving Harrods and walked straight into the brand new Jessica McCormack counter.
I love her jewellery, I’ve visited her Sloane Street store before to ogle her wares. But I haven’t been able to buy anything from that shop, because firstly it’s expensive, plus it would be dead money.
Whereas when I shop in Harrods, I get clubcard points (same as I do when I shop in Tesco, it’s the same principle).
Oh happy happy days! I can’t afford much in Jessica’s store, but I have my eye on a few little pieces. So who knows, my next Vinted sales might well be spent in here, and now with added clubcard points! :)
I love this plain gold band, I think in my size it would look a treat.
The ring on my pinky finger is my original wedding ring, its size G, it most definitely doesn’t fit my wedding finger now, thirty years of life changes everything, including knuckles.
I had a great day shopping, then in the evening I made my way to Chutney Mary to meet Chris for dinner.
Anywhere with Chris is my favourite place to be, but especially here.
We got chatting to a couple of ladies next to us, they were so lovely. We recommended the new artichoke starter, it’s my new favourite.
One of them, like me, is a huge believer in manifestation, we were laughing at some of my recent ones. I’ve had some very amusing ones of late.
As she was leaving the restaurant she asked me for my contact details, which I gave her.
She messaged me the very next morning, she’s so lovely, you know when you meet someone and they just radiate good energy, well, she’s that.
Anyway, we’re meeting up with her in Zurich in October when we’re on our road trip around Europe, so that’s something to look forward to, and I was already really looking forward to it as it is!
Friday afternoon I was just pottering around at home, I was meant to be getting on with housework but I got side tracked by the boys and just played with them.
Anyway, my phone pinged and it was a message to my yoga instructor’s group chat saying that someone had pulled out of her moon therapy gong bath session that evening, and the person had kindly donated the ticket to anyone who wanted it.
So I text Camilla immediately, and she gave me the slot. I then went on the website and bought Chris a ticket too.
So that’s what we did Friday night, an unexpected, serendipitous evening of relaxation.
What an incredibly generous gesture from the donator of the ticket. So thank you very much for that, whoever they are, I am incredibly grateful.
Firstly because I hadn’t noticed that there was a gong bath on on that Friday evening. I must have missed the notification for it.
And secondly getting a free ticket made it even more relaxing feeling. A simple act of kindness that made someone else’s day.
There was a fire pit part of the session where we wrote down things that are causing us discomfort and not serving us and then we set fire to them.
It felt very cathartic.
Then the gong bath itself. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but I enjoy it.
It’s the perfect way to start the weekend that’s for sure.
Saturday was a new experience for me, I decided it was time I learned how to put together some basic IKEA furniture.
So welcome to my Billy build!
The only limitations humans have in general are the ones we impose on ourselves, and this applies to stoma owning too.
I have yet to find something I can’t do because of my stoma. There isn’t anything that I can think of.
There’re things I can’t do because I’m incapable and incompetent, but it’s definitely not stoma related. :)
Tadaaaaaaaaaaaa….
…in the words of Ted Lasso - BELIEVE 🤍
Then Sunday was spent at Port Lympne wildlife park, which was so lovely.
I’m not a massive fan of zoos, I became very uncomfortable with them after Tiger King. But they have a very good repatriation program at Port Lympne.
Sam, Milly, and Zak bought us a zoo day, with safari and Sunday roast experience for Christmas.
It was a bit hard to know what to wear as it was forecast for torrential rain all day.
Which was correct, but it didn’t dampen our enjoyment or enthusiasm.
It’s a fabulous place, a lot of the animals have very large enclosures, and the safari ride was great fun.
The roast was absolutely delicious, I’d definitely recommend it - the veg was far better than Gordon Ramsey’s meal for the two of us on Christmas Day (as long as I live I won’t get over the rip off that was!).
Sunday was a really lovely day, and we are so grateful to Sam, Milly and Zak for treating us to it. 🤍
Top from Ralph Lauren, Jeans from M&S, Shoes from Dior.
We came across the gorilla enclosure and for 15 minutes we were the only people there. It was wonderful to have them all to ourselves.
We noticed this glorious ancient Islamic architecture inspired courtyard in the hotel. I’m obsessed with this period and style. That and Art Deco are my favourites.
A 10 out of 10 day! We did not expect such fabulous food at a zoo.
*******
Chris always says that I live life like it’s one giant dolls house. That I’m merely playing on the periphery of reality…
…and he is correct! 🤩
There’re only two things that are really important and problematic, 1, is if your health fails, and 2 is death.
Other than that it’s all made up nonsense. In a hundred years time no one will have known we even existed. We are just a fleeting moment in time, so my god, we might as well enjoy it!
We are just characters in this part of the play, this is our time to shine, make the most of it, it’s so fleetingly short.
The average life expectancy of a person in England is 81 years. That’s 81 summers, 81 winters, and if you are very lucky a lifetime of love and laughter.
All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances,
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages. At first, the infant,
Mewling and puking in the nurse's arms.
Then the whining schoolboy, with his satchel
And shining morning face, creeping like snail
Unwillingly to school. And then the lover,
Sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad
Made to his mistress' eyebrow. Then a soldier,
Full of strange oaths and bearded like the pard,
Jealous in honor, sudden and quick in quarrel,
Seeking the bubble reputation
Even in the cannon's mouth. And then the justice,
In fair round belly with good capon lined…
(…etc etc etc, you get the gist, he did go on a bit didn’t he)
William Shakespeare
I think the general theme is life’s short, enjoy it while you can.
“You’re here for a good time ~ not a long time”
Suzanne Doré
Have a fabulous week ahead. Keep well, much love ♥️
…Oh, and if you need any jewellery repaired I can’t recommend these guys enough…
(Not a paid ad)
See you next time xx 😘