Long story short, I ordered my stoma supplies on 13th January, and for reasons unclear the order got completely messed up. The final products finally arrived weeks and weeks later. With me having to call daily for updates, and being constantly reassured it would be tomorrow (reader, it wasn’t even the day after tomorrow, or the day after that, as it turned out).
I was particularly desperate for them because I’d used so much over Christmas, what with more food and more swimming than usual, this was the worst timing for errors ever. The irony was not lost on me.
I hastily bought some on Amazon and eBay to tide me over, but they were substandard, and slow to arrive, so as you can imagine it was all a bit of a mess.
I love my life with my colostomy, it’s my 15th year of stoma-ing in June, I love the freedom I get from having a bag.
I can see very few downsides, which I appreciate is probably a bit weird, but it’s how I feel. I’m happy and content, I am at peace with it all.
But holy shit it’s remarkable how quickly and easily my sense of calm can be eroded.
One minute I’m carefree loving life, the next I’m in a state of panic, waiting on any information I can get on my order status.
It was not a sensation I wish to ever experience again. It hasn’t happened to this degree before, so I appreciate it’s not likely to happen anytime soon, but it was eye opening.
I am always sensitive to those who don’t feel as settled and at peace with their stoma as I do, I totally understand where they are coming from. It’s a life changing event, of course it could feel destabilising and scary. I very much appreciate that it’s probably me who is the odd one in feeling so relaxed and happy about it.
But this episode was really very emotional. I felt at the mercy of other people’s competence, which was incredibly hard and distressing.
My quality of life was in an instant reliant on someone else, it was not a pleasant feeling. Made all the worse by the fact that when I finally received my order, I joyfully opened it to find they’d sent the wrong bags - having been promised that my delivery was finally on its way.
It was a rollercoaster…and I’m not fan of actual rollercoasters, so I’m most definitely not a fan of the emotional kind.
The knock on effect of the mix up was that I felt unsettled, and unable to get out and enjoy my normal life. I had to put restrictions in place. I felt isolated from my normal routine.
Plus added to that I couldn’t physically get on and do the things I wanted to, which unfortunately coincided with Chris and I going on a yoga retreat.
Usually I’d indulge in all the activities, but the lack of bags meant I had to restrict myself. I found that incredibly frustrating, and even a bit annoying.
I felt sidelined by circumstances out of my control, and that felt very difficult to deal with. I am very self sufficient in general (well, I’m financially completely dependent on Chris, as we merrily full on live our Stepford Wives life), but I am self sufficient emotionally. So that’s at least something. ;)
Things happen, mistakes are made, but other people’s mistakes can have such a profound and negative impact on you. I found that difficult.
Thankfully I’m very adaptable and resilient, more because life has taught me I have to be, rather than I want to be.
I still went on the retreat, but I had to change how I approached it. I really wanted to go to this session, so I wasn’t going to cancel just because of the bag situation. I attend Camilla’s yoga classes on a Monday morning at Down Hall Hotel, it’s such an intensely enjoyable experience, I knew the day retreat would be amazing too.
The day was really fantastic, even with the amendments. Thankfully I don’t let life get me down for too long. I was aware of how it was different to what I would have done, but I still enjoyed myself in-spite of it.
The day started at 9.30am with breakfast and introductions, then out for a meditation walk, then it was back to the hotel and straight into a yoga session (the first yoga class Chris has ever done), then lunch time, then a gong (sound) bath session, then over to the spa.
This is where I had to tweak my plans. I couldn’t risk filter failures - with no ability to change my bag - so rather than go in the steam room and thelasso pool I had to sit on the side. Which was disappointing, mainly because I had paid for a full experience, and then couldn’t partake in it all.
(Please don’t get me wrong, I’m not comparing this to being in a war zone or an active genocide).
I have an exceptionally privileged, very good and happy life, I know that very well. I’m just pointing out that as much as I don’t see myself as different to the unbagged community, I am in fact different.
After the wet spa we had a back, neck and shoulder massage, then after that we headed over to the main part of the hotel for afternoon tea.
We were full to the brim, stretched, relaxed and massaged. It was an excellent day. I’d definitely recommend it too. It’s a nice alternative for those who don’t have the time to do a whole over night spa break. Our one day felt like days away. It was amazing!
I suggested to Chris that we make it a fully immersive experience by leaving our phones at home. It just made sense to unhook completely.
(My photos were very kindly taken by Camilla, the retreat leader).
The day comprised of;
Light breakfast
Woodland meditation walk
Yoga session
Lunch
Gong bath
Wet spa
Massage
Afternoon tea
This was where my plan had to deviate.
I dangled my legs in the water and sat on the side while others submerged in the pool.
Okay, not the worst thing ever, but an annoyance? (frustration?) I could have done without.
Bikini from Tesco.
It was such a fabulous day!
The main reason I wanted to go was that I thought it would be good for Chris. The man works ludicrously hard. He never takes time for himself. Never moans or complains, he is the best man, actually best human I have ever had the good fortune to meet - ever! And incredibly he likes me…even 31 years later).
He definitely needed to switch off from work/life for a bit, and Camilla’s retreats at Down Hall Hotel, Bishop Stortford are perfect for that - not an ad, or rather not a paid one. I never taken any money for anything I mention. If I like and enjoy something I’ll gladly pass the info on.
So what else was I up to? Well, not much really. I couldn’t risk doing anything that would burn through bags.
I actually had to go to my shift at the Foodbank the other day ~ in an eBay bag. Not ideal, not a calm experience. I wasn’t sure if I’d end up with a bag failure of some kind.
But I had a few days practice in them at home before I risked going out into the world in them.
They are clear plastic, which as fascinating as it is to watch my output, I’d rather not see what’s going on thanks, and more to the point I was very much hoping I didn’t have any need to be whisked to A&E. I know, I doubt in an emergency I’d be too bothered about having a clear bag on. But that’s where my overthinking brain took me.
I appreciate the slight opaque fabric covering isn’t that much different to a clear bag, but it’s just what you get used to as the norm.
It felt a bit confronting every time I caught sight of it on me, full.
Which could well be how some people feel when they see the opaque bags stuck to their abdomen to be fair.
Understandably, some may feel that jolt of horror when they see their bag attached. I totally get that, even if I don’t feel the same way normally. I acknowledge that it seems an entirely reasonable reaction.
After all who really dreamed that one day when they grew up they’d poo in a bag attached to their abdomen.
It’s always my hope that people find peace with their stoma, their scarred bodies, and broken sense of calm.
I prefer to be positive, and optimistic, and joyful even, but I’m not going to kid myself that it’s something I’ve achieved, because it wasn’t. It all just came naturally when I came round from surgery and saw the little blob of bowel sewn to my skin.
I went into that operation crying my eyes out that life was never going to be the same again. Only to come round and feel this sense of peace and calm. I knew I was going to be fine. I felt it deeply.
I find that I feel freer than I did pre stoma - free from the expectations I harshly put on my body.
Gone are the days when I would starve myself to feel I was worthy of love and acceptance. Gone are the foolish fears and worries I had that my body wasn’t good enough.
Maybe because I was front and centre when it went to hell and back. I now no longer value my worth for what my body looks like, but rather what it’s capable of doing and surviving. That is what matters to me now.
I have a feeling of absolute appreciation for this incredible machine that is my body. Regardless of what it looks like, it is everything to still be here.
I make no judgment on anyone else, but for me personally I couldn’t get on with the clear bags.
I would never feel sexy, nor want to have sex while wearing one.
I know my limits now. So having a complete collapse of supply chain has taught me some things about myself that I wasn’t fully aware of.
I saved my NHS bags for special occasions (ffs, I’m rolling my eyes here. It literally came down to using some colostomy bags for special occasions).
If at all possible if I was going out of the house I would use an opaque NHS bag, if I was in the house, I’d use the clear bags.
Top from Jeager, Jeans from M&S, Shoes from Kate Spade.
********
A few months back Chris bought me my dream bag (hand, rather than the stoma variety), one I’d had my eye on for 30 odd years.
I am an avid collector and curator of clothes and accessories (if you reframe it as a collector it sounds better than rampant, wasteful shopaholic with impulse issues) ;)
Anyway, something changed in me when I got that piece, it was like I was finally complete, a moment of zen and clarity (don’t get too excited, there’s a caveat; I still enjoy stuff, I’m unlikely to stop buying stuff, but I felt like I didn’t need to push for more and more and more, bigger and better than before ~ I have reached the peak).
I have spent a fortune, on shoes for example, shameful amounts really, but it occurred to me a few weeks ago while I was sorting through some outfits to wear for up coming trips that most of the shoes I own are for warmer, dryer climates…and I live in England.
Then while I was in M&S meeting a friend for coffee the other day, I happened past the shoe section. I love M&S clothes currently, they brought in an incredible young, vibrant and talented team to up their game. And it worked because last year’s offerings were a sensation!
I have been buying a lot of clothes from there, but I hadn’t looked at their shoes for about 20 years.
Anyway, another long story short, their shoes are as fab as the new clothing lines!
This pair of loafers below are really smart, very comfortable, incredibly stylish. And at £55 very wearable in all weather conditions.
I have loads of pairs of Tods shoes that are all those things, but expensive and definitely not wearable in a wet environment.
The M&S ones are so comfy, durable and more importantly - wearable in rainy weather.
High end shoes are fabulous if you live in a country that has nice weather, or you have a budget that means you can replace them at any point.
A little something for the boys this week too…
So I decided to have a look at the men’s section in M&S and found they have got some fabulous options too!
These loafers are gorg (Chris hates loafers, so I doubt I can persuade him to buy them, but I’m a huge fan, I think they are very stylish on men)
You get the elegance and comfort of a more expensive shoe, without having to compromise on style…for £55 (and they have 20%off men’s shoes at the moment).
…Or for shoes that do the same job for…
For a crazy price.
I know what I’d choose, for living in this wet isle. I actually prefer the M&S ones too.
I’m living in the M&S purchase I made.
Top, Trousers and Shoes all from M&S.
I still love high end stuff, I just feel more practical about buying it from now on. I weigh up pounds per wear.
I was in Harrods just after Christmas, where I tried on a beautiful dress. I was umm-ing and ahh-ing about whether to buy it or not, when the shop assistant asked how many wears I could foresee in it. I said probably 1 or 2, it wasn’t a daily wear thing. She followed it up with “then it’s not worth it. You’re not going to get your monies worth”.
Terrible sales assistant ~ but fabulous human and customer support!
She was very young, but oh so wise.
‘Pounds per wear’ should be the second most valuable consideration - after “does my bum look big in this?!”
If Vinted has taught me anything, it’s that as soon as you buy something its value is immediately gone. Lost in a puff of smoke.
I’ve sold thousands of pounds worth of stuff for pennies. Okay, so it’s things I’m not going to wear again, but it’s still a kick in the guts. Even more so when the buyer sends a message asking if you would sell it for 50p!?!
The M&S shoes were doing the heavy lifting through the rain on Friday last week.
I said they were perfect for this country.
Jumper and Jeans from M&S, as are the shoes, Bag from Goyard, Belt from Hermes.
I take and post the photos that are the most flattering of me.
In real life I stoop over, and have a big belly and bum and a fair few chins.
But I give myself a break, I’m 51, I’ve been through a lot in those years, I’m doing okay.
I’m not embarrassed or ashamed about my body shape. I am who I am. I enjoy life and food. I like socialising that involves food.
And the belly bulge can’t be helped as I have carried two kids, and I currently have two hernias and a colostomy. I’m not a vision of perfection, but I am perfectly happy with my appearance.
I am at complete peace with myself. And that is something I am very grateful for.
It’s the thing I wish most for other people too. 🫶🏼
We had a very action packed weekend, and it was such a treat.
We’ve been spending more time at home lately, getting on with gardening tasks and home bits. It’s really lovely being home spending time with my budgies and Chris.
But I have to be honest, I did very much look forward to a day out shopping.
Our wanton spending days are over, we had to renew our mortgage, and like most people, ours has gone through the roof. Not a massive problem because we really love our house. It’s a very nice place to be.
I mentioned it to a friend, and a friend of her’s mortgage had gone up massively and she was very distressed because she felt she’d never have paid that much to live in her house, as it simply wasn’t worth it. So at least we don’t have that issue.
But we are making cut backs. Weekly spending on shit is over. More considered spending is in.
Fair enough. I’m fully on board.
But Chris gave me a budget to buy my anniversary present with, and when I tell you I was straight on a website busily trying to decide on what to get, so feverishly, that the website blocked me because it believed I was a robot. I’m not kidding. I was blocked on two separate devices as I manically searched for what I wanted!
🫣😂
I had my hair done in the week, so I felt more human again, and it felt fabulous getting dolled up to go get my pressie.
It made a change from being unwashed and at the local dump. :)
Jumper from Ralph Lauren, Trousers from M&S, Shoes from Kate Spade.
It was a really very successful day. Chris bought me the new belt that I was after, and a twilly.
We had some lunch out, and I stocked up on some make up and moisturiser. It was a very precise and concise day. We went with aims in mind and stuck to the plan.
And it was nice to be together. I like him, he likes me. We are acing life.
We’ve been married 29 years on Valentine’s Day. And he is still my favourite husband to date. :)
I tried on some Aquazurra shoes, but as they were suede I decided to leave them be. There’s literally no point in buying them in this country. I am learning. :)
Sunday we were up at 6am, and left the house at 7.30, we headed over to Hampshire to visit Sam, Milly and Zak for Milly’s birthday lunch.
It was a particularly jam packed day. Over to Hampshire to see S, M & Z, then Sunday lunch is a great little pub they booked, then Chris and I headed back to London, for drinks and over to the Royal Geographical Society ( I know, how fancy are we!) for an evening with Marian Keyes. I have read all of her books, Chris has not, but he is in the Fane Productions mailing list and he saw it advertised and thought I’d enjoy it.
I really did too, she’s exactly as I expected her to be. Her warmth and humour comes through in her books as it does in person.
Jumper from Gyles and George, Faux Blouse from Temu, Jeans from Topshop, Boots from Ralph Lauren.
I love this jumper, Chris bought it for me a few Christmases ago. I loved it on Diana, I love it on me too. I got two compliments from strangers on it too, so that was nice.
We got home nearing midnight, completely exhausted, but it’s been a blast! Next weekend couldn’t be more opposite, and I’m looking forward to it very much.
Have a fantastic week ahead, happy Valentine’s Day to those who celebrate.
(Bit of an insight here. We got married on Valentine’s Day, but rarely go out to celebrate on it because we both despise false and forced romance and set menus. We usually stay home and watch telly 🥰♥️)
…Just want to say a huge thank you to the people who messaged me to offer me some of their stoma bags to get me through. It was so kind and so very appreciated. ❤️🩹
Keep well, much love xx