hello again, I’m back from a quick trip.
Long story long;
Chris was heading to Cannes for some data conference thing (no, I didn’t catch the details, just the location).
I suggested that I buy a ticket and tag along with him. Thinking I’d be able to lay by the pool and go shopping in Cannes while Chris goes and does his thing.
He then pointed out the hotel didn’t have a pool, and that was enough for me to give up on that idea.
I was then stuck. I hate being home alone. I mean physically - emotionally I’m probably best off being home alone. Hahaha, I’m a bit much sometimes for others, whereas I’m used to me. ;)
I really don’t like being at our house by myself, even though I am very comfortable in my own company.
Too many points of entry. Too empty. If anything ever happens to Chris that house will be on Rightmove before his last breath is exhaled.
Don’t get me wrong, I love our house, it’s beautiful. It has so many happy memories. But it’s a family home and it really should have a family living in it.
So that left me in a bit of a quandary. Until I remembered that I have a tiny wee house in Spain…so I booked myself a solo holiday.
This isn’t the first time I’ve come out here by myself, but what usually happens is, I fly out before Chris because I have more holiday allowance (365 to be precise), and then he follows on.
He’ll drop me at the airport and I just fly here.
So this time was a bit different, because he wasn’t available to drop me off.
I put my big girl pants on and went solo solo.
I drove myself to Stansted, I dropped the car off, I then went through security.
Now this got a bit weird. I put my extra bag of medical liquids in the tray, and explained to the man that I have a letter explaining my medical supplies situation should they require it.
And it seemed that something which should be so easy, was then a complete faff.
The first security man flagged it up to the one on the machine, who diverted it to the third person for ‘extra checks’.
I’ve no idea why, because extra medical liquids are always allowed.
The bottles then had to be carefully checked one by one. The third man asked to see my passport, to tie it up with the letter from my GP (I think I over complicated this by having the letter. But at the same time I don’t think this lot would have allowed me the extra liquids without it).
The man looked at my passport, looked at the letter, looked at me…and said “you are much younger than me!”
To which I had no outside voice reply, because, Methuselah himself would also have probably been younger than him. So I wasn’t sure what he wanted me to do with his invaluable information.
He then proceeded to check all the paperwork and bottles again. Then handed it all over to me and said “have you won the battle over your cancer now?”
Errrrr, what the fuck. Is that any of your business?… but also, what if I hadn’t. What if I was heading to Switzerland. It was an overstep.
I appreciate it was with the best of intentions. I’m sure he was just hoping and wishing me well. But really, it’s not his place to ask.
It really shouldn’t be this hard to give people appropriate training for dealing with people who have some small differences.
The high turn over of staff doesn’t help with this. Credit where it’s due though, the lady doing my pat down (I always set the scanner off) was so professional and very polite. Checking that I wouldn’t be in pain if she proceeded with the search. It’s just a little thing. But someone being human and humane makes all the difference.
Dress from The White Company, Shoes from Chanel.
First stop was my spot of lunch. Solo of course. Start as you mean to go on. :)
Then it was time to fly off to sunny Spain…
Once I arrived, after I finally made it to the house, having taken the wrong turn from the airport.
I don’t tend to panic too much about getting lost, I know that sounds weird. But I always feel that I’d make it back to where I need to be, eventually.
Yes, the car has satnav, no, I can’t read a satnav. I’ve no idea what 300/200/100 meters, yards, or feet looks like. I miss turns I’m meant to take. I have absolutely no sense of direction.
And yet, here I am at the house. By luck or divine intervention, who knows. Hahaha
A quick unpack, then off to the local marina for dinner. I wasn’t sure if I had the guts to ask for a table for one. It’s not something I’d do at home. It’s definitely not something I do when away, and awaiting Chris’s arrival.
I tend to just eat at home then. But there wasn’t anyone coming to save me from lone dining. So I again, pulled up my big girl pants and gave it a go.
What’s the worst that could happen? Oh believe me, I ran every worst case scenario through my head the whole evening. Which was in fact uneventful. Hahaha.
What did happen though was I ate a delicious meal, that I didn’t have to cook myself. And I had a lovely few drinks, sitting watching the boats in the marina bobbing around in the water.
(European bars, restaurants and hotels always do masses of 0.0 beers. Coming here is a joy for many reasons).
It was heaven. Would it have been better with Chris? Yes! Absolutely! But he was otherwise engaged in Cannes, and the option to stay home or come here alone was a very easy choice.
I wanted to have dinner out, and I did. But what I really really wanted was an ice cream from my most favourite ice cream shop in the world. Literally the world. I’ve tried ice cream everywhere, but this shop is the very best.
…and I did that too!
I was out very late all by myself. Eating ice cream, watching the sea. It was a lovely evening.
I then headed to the supermarket to pick up supplies for this trip. At quarter to ten at night. I’d never dream of going to the shops that late at home. I think 6.45pm would be my absolute cut off…who am I kidding, if I haven’t bought it by four, we ain’t having it! Hahahaha
But there I am, shopping for salad and goodies past bedtime. ;)
Then it was back home to bed. After a mentally taxing day (I appreciate that I am incredibly feeble. But driving to the airport, flying, driving to Spain house, dining alone, shopping alone at night, it’s all completely out of my comfort zone). Or rather I thought it was. Delighted it wasn’t.
I am very self contained. I enjoy my own company.
I’ve loved coming here with friends and family. But actually being here alone is incredibly freeing. I don’t have to do anything for anyone. That may sound selfish and a bit nasty, and it’s not what I mean. But if you go on holiday with someone you are generally going to be tiptoeing around each other, and playing host. Not in a negative way. Just it changes the dynamic.
Being home alone makes life simpler.
I love Chris, he’s the person I want to spend every waking minute with, he’s my happy place and my home.
But as he was unavailable, and I’m not one for big groups of women, or just big groups thinking about it, and I’m definitely not the ‘girls trip’ sort, me, alone did just fine! :)
But how do you suncream alone?
Well, I bought this back cream applicator in a disability equipment store years ago. But I have just been on Amazon and they sell loads on there.
People use them for their fake tanning apparently.
Sun screen applied ~ Thickly.
I also set an alarm on my phone to go off at 10 minute intervals. I turn every 10 minutes. The alarm reassures me that I won’t fall asleep out there…can you imagine the disaster that would be. 🫣
Obviously I’m being very very careful now I know I have Basal Cell Carcinoma.
Which having done some reading up about it more, isn’t scary at all. I don’t even think it’s actually a cancer by the sound of it. Maybe a trainee cancer, but not a scary one.
But honestly, prevention is better than cure.
The real scary ones are melanomas, and even they are very treatable if we catch them early. So vigilance is key. Check yourself, check others. Get anything odd looked at further.
The ones I have are just an inconvenience. It’s not great to get it at such a relatively young age. I’m about 20 years too early. But then I was about 40 years too early for bowel cancer, so clearly I’m just ahead of my peers in all areas! All the shittest areas that is. ;)
I slathered factor 50 on. Wore a massive hat, avoided peak sun hours, took shade, and limited exposure.
I can’t really do more than that. Mainly because bodies need some sunshine for vitamin D production. And god knows UK residents are short on that as it is.
Sun as safely as possible. Because it’s a right pain to have to have bits of skin chopped out every bloody year.
I had two moles removed last April, which thankfully were benign. But these things on my chest and leg weren’t getting any better, and then I saw a TikTok about BCC, and I knew instantly it was going to be that.
Look at you TikTok out there saving lives!! :)
But in all seriousness, check yourself for odd things. Internally and externally. Be your own hero. 🤍
Anything that you feel isn’t quite right insist on being checked. I knew in my bones that it was BCC on my chest. I just knew it.
Sometimes we have our intuition switched on.
I think my awareness and definitely health anxiety has been heightened since I was misdiagnosed with cancer for so long. I was too feeble to speak up and insist on further tests being carried out. They should have been, and for someone that feels regrets are pointless, I do kick myself for not being more forceful and advocating for myself back then.
This trip worked out beautifully. I was going to be miserable and alone back home without Chris.
Not so here, yes I am alone, but I’m not lonely. Which makes all the difference.
I don’t know why it feels different to be at this home by myself. Maybe I don’t have that FOMO feeling.
Chris was busy working, albeit in glorious Cannes, but it’s still work. If I was home I would feel like I was having a lesser experience, even though his was a work trip.
So coming here has been fabulous. It helps that the weather was amazing. It was boiling actually.
I bought salads, chickpeas and salmon; my favourite things. Chris is not a huge fan, so it’s utter bliss.
*I am aware that I am lucky to have the luxury of choice. I’m sure I wouldn’t feel so calm about it if I were single and this was my normal.
I love Chris more than the moon and stars, pancakes, rainbows, and dia…more pancakes, but not having to make or think about food for anyone else is definitely a highlight. I know what I want to eat and when. It’s so easy.
It was just me myself and I, and we all get along great! 😍🥰😍
I have simply bikinied the whole time. I’ve pottered about, read my books, watched that Bridgerton Queen Charlotte, listened to podcasts and generally done sweet FA.
I now appreciate how quickly I become feral. Because washing my hair, washing any of me come to that hasn’t been my top priority hahahaha!
I have just simply been me.
I forget my PE kit, so I had to cobble one together. So I borrowed a top from Milly’s cupboard, and, well, I didn’t have anything else available, so I borrowed a pair of Chris’s underwear. All’s well that ends well. All finished off with a cute little Strathberry cross body handbag, to carry my keys and phone in.
It looked a treat. ;)
There’s a hillside that overlooks our house. I’d never been up there before, so as this was a trip of firsts I decided to give it a go.
All in all this has been a roaring success. I’m now thinking of coming Monday to Friday more often. it’s definitely an option.
And just wearing bikinis day in day out is very nice. It’s saving on the ironing bill that’s for sure.
Yep, could very easily just do this. 💚
And the easiest thing about being here is meal times.
Now don’t get me wrong, Chris is absolutely no bother at all, he’ll eat what I serve (god love him). But it’s so hard trying to work out what other people want to eat. I’ve been doing it for nearly 31 years.
It’s so bloody frustrating and boring, how do I know what anyone else fancies for dinner if I don’t often know what I want even.
It doesn’t help that I have a repatoire of about four dishes. Or maybe that does help, who knows?
But Wow! being here, only feeding me, wow! That’s a breeze!
Heaven! Absolutely heaven! And sooooo easy!!
Again, if this was my normal I’m sure I’d find it equally as dull. But as a treat, time by myself has been fabulous.
Then it was time to pack up and go home.
Back to reality, back to Chris, my happy place.
Home for 48 hours and then off to Maastricht…solo…by trains - from London.
Very exciting!! What an adventure that will be. (I’m shitting myself. Planes are easy, trains however, not so straightforward I imagine! God knows where I could end up with my sense of direction) hahahaha.
******
I’ve done this week’s instalment out of sequence.
So here’s the beginning, but at the end;
Before I flew here, and Chris flew to Cannes, we had a very chilled out weekend.
We didn’t have any plans and the sun was actually shining so we decided to head to our local polo club.
Chris and I were not brought up in classic polo families. But we both really love the sport.
We’ve been to a few places, but settled on Silver Leys in Bishop Stortford. First impressions count, and they were all so warm and friendly.
And they have great toilet facilities, so that was me sold!
It happened to be ladies’ day, which Chris and I hadn’t booked into the marquee for.
Chris isn’t a lady, and I’m not a fan of hundreds of women drinking bottomless Prosecco (this judgement is made by the fact that I used to be one of them, and I was an absolute menace, so basically I put myself off) hahahahaha
We sat pitch side to watch the matches. I got moderately dolled up, because I wanted to fit in, but not too much as I was only pitch side spectating…Oh the dilemmas of the female dress code.
Top from Ralph Lauren, Trousers from M&S, Shoes from LK Bennett, Bag from Tracey Emin & Longchamp.
Instagram verses reality
The only problem was, it’s a wide open space and the wind was howling through.
So we stopped for a bit and watched, we then bumped into a friend of a friend, who was in the marquee, and happened to win The Best Dressed prize. Which was well deserved as she looked sensational!
We then decided it was a bit too chilly for us. So we headed home.
It was a nice little trip out. But the weather in England really does ruin a good outfit choice.
Then Sunday the sun was actually warm, the wind had dropped, and as my other car had a flat battery from lack of use (since Chris got me the little Fiat 500 I go everywhere in it, cheap to run and tucks into the tiniest of spaces, and as I can drive but can’t park, it’s been a dream).
Blazer from Zara, Cap from Aimee Leon Doré, Top and jeans from M&S, Shoes from Chanel, Belt from Hermes.
Roof down, hats on and off we go… to the petrol station because I run all my vehicles on vapour! Hahahaha
We headed out for a countryside drive. And lunch at Wimpole Hall.
It’s a very Bridgerton-y place to visit. It’s really beautiful. And a lovely destination for a Sunday drive.
Anyway, that’s enough of my ramblings, I told you I was a bit much for some people, I wasn’t joking.
This is what I’ve done over the last week, not in spite not despite my stoma…but simply because of it. The reason I get to do all these lovely things is because my colostomy saved my life.
The reason I show you what I’m wearing while living my new normal, is because I wasn’t sure what was going to be possible (before my operation I had very low expectations). I have been delighted with how my lived experience has been.
I hope the thing that shines through the most is that having that cancery blip, did not dim my sparkle… xx
Keep well, much love. X