I am always blown away by finding out that people not only read my blogs, but they enjoy them too.
This always comes as a shock. It probably shouldn’t, but it does. I have had over four hundred thousand reads of my blogs.
I have heard from 100s and 100s of people who are either feeling the same way as I do, or able to once they started feeling more comfortable and confident after surgery, and reading my adventures, and finding out nothing has to change that much unless you choose to.
Okay, so everything changed, but that doesn’t mean for the worse. Change isn’t always a bad thing.
I honestly thought that once I had my surgery I’d never leave the house again, I have no idea what the plan was exactly, I just know I felt very strongly that I would erase myself from the world outside. I suppose I feared ridicule and rejection.
I know I feared the judgement of others.
I can picture it now when I was telling Chris what I needed to do if I were to actually be lucky enough to survive the cancer, and the surgery.
I needed to shut down. To close off that part of my life. I think I planned to exist, rather than live.
He was so kind, so supportive. He said whatever I needed to do, we’d do.
As they wheeled me down to surgery I was crying my eyes out. Mourning the loss of the life I once knew.
…fast forward to coming round after being in ICU for a bit because I’d had a little blip during surgery ~ and rather over dramatically lost 9 pints of blood, giving my poor medical team and Chris a terrible scare ~ anyway, I looked down at my stoma (they put a clear bag on to start with) and I felt this complete and utter rush of adrenaline/emotion, and knew instantly I’d be okay, everything would be okay. I knew all would be well, I felt it, I had this sense of relief, safety and peace (in fact, I felt so at peace I thought I’d actually died, for real. It felt amazing, and other worldly).
It’s hard to explain. It’s even harder to fathom, I mean, I am me and even I am mind boggled by the complete and utter 180 on how I felt.
I sobbed going in…And came round elated, ready, and raring to live again.
I think it helps that I am tenacious. I think it helps that I am bloody minded and refuse to do as I’m told or expected.
I think it really really helps that I have resilience in bucket loads.
The expectation was “oh you poor thing, you have to poop in a bag on your abdomen, how utterly awful”
When my lived experience is “oh I poop into a bag on my abdomen and it’s fucking brilliant!!”
No need to rush to the loo, no need to scan everywhere I go for access to a loo. No shitting myself. No panic attacks about toilets. No fear of people hearing me, smelling me have an emergency visit to the loo.
I lived symptomatic of cancer for a verrrrry long time before I was finally diagnosed. Shitting myself was common place. Thankfully not that many times outside of the home. But definitely within it. Which does rather make you a tad anxious about going out to say the least. I can still remember the fear I was living in. It makes me shudder.
So first of all I’m lucky I survived the cancer. Because I got really very lucky, and had a slower growing, older persons, less aggressive type. I was stage 3 by the time I was finally diagnosed. Which was at least 7 years into symptoms of cancer. I got ridiculously lucky. I am ridiculously lucky to be here.
And secondly, leaks and filter failures are rare for me (I appreciate that isn’t everyone’s experience).
(And yes, I accept my bag could leak, but I find most humans jolly nice and supportive. So even if I did have an incident, most people would be very sympathetic).
*(I wasn’t just blindly living with cancer symptoms. I visited my GPs multiple times a year for many many years. But unfortunately I was “too young” to have cancer and therefore no one bothered to check any further. Obviously I now know that there is no such thing as too young. I was 36, and very symptomatic. I should have been checked. As should anyone experiencing symptoms of any cancer or ill health).
So I went from a sad little feeble thing, to the unapologetically bold, confident, secure, self assured and happy woman that stands before you, in a blink of an eye (well, it felt like that for me as I was unconscious through all the drama and turmoil. I feel so sorry for my surgical team and poor Chris, I definitely had the easier time of it emotionally).
I wish I could teach people how I did it. But I don’t think I had any say in it. I wasn’t practicing positivity. I think my brain just reset itself to the new normal and I tagged along for the ride. I didn’t ‘do’ anything to facilitate it. I didn’t have to, I woke up confident in myself. It was weird, I still think it’s weird. Bearing in mind I had never been a confident person before.
I guess time had made me slightly more comfortable in myself by the time I was diagnosed with cancer.
Meeting Chris certainly sky rocketed my self esteem. He’s been boosting me and cheering me on since the moment we met in 1994.
But it was still a very unexpected transformation. For the first 36 years of my life I was physically whole and intact.
Then I get diagnosed with cancer, have life and body altering surgery and for some reason that’s when I decided that I finally felt mentally whole, and became a butterfly!
Weird? Very much so. But I’m so grateful.
Life could have been very different. So many people I’ve loved and admired didn’t get as lucky as me, so I’m never going to sit around and think I’ve been hard done by. Because ultimately - I haven’t.
It wasn’t the end, I’m so thankful for that. It was just the beginning of a whole new life. One that I feel more in control of. I decide when I change my bag. I decide what I wear. I decide how I feel in the world.
No one on this planet could make me feel sad or upset about having a colostomy. A few have tried ~ social media is the Wild West of nastiness at times ~ but nothing’s ever penetrated my force field of self belief and confidence.
I am blissfully happily ~ this is ME!… If this was a musical I’d break out into that song from The Greatest Showman at this point…
(You’re singing that in your head now aren’t you?) hahaha
I wish that people find peace with stoma owning. I know I was lucky to adjust so quickly and immediately. But I hope it comes to everyone, and for the most part I believe it does. It just takes time and self compassion. Xx
We’ve had a busy week, which I enjoyed very much.
On Thursday last week we headed into London with our friends, who also happen to be clients of Chris.
We were off to The Marie Curie Brain Game, which is a fantastic construction industry charity night.
It’s black tie, so panic usually ensues, but I can’t be bothered to panic about the small stuff anymore. I’m 51 next week, and I think it’s about time I grew up and save panicking for problems. Rather than parties. ;)
Top and trousers from Ralph Lauren, Bag from Goyard, Shoes from Chanel.
So off we go to London. Bags packed…not efficiently, because I always, always forget something. And I did this night too.
I had the choice of two dresses. I was selling both of them on my Vinted account. I put them on there because they no longer fit me. Then I lost weight and I brought them back into the fold.
I’m shopping from my own online store now. So those people who say I don’t have a real job, be aware I own an online boutique…albeit of my own old clothes. Hahahaha.
Out of the two I fancied giving this one another chance. I’ve worn it before but didn’t love it on. It was ok, but there was something about it I wasn’t happy with.
But I decided to add a belt and hey presto it became a whole new outfit!! I know, ground breaking right? I’m going to take the fashion world by a storm! Hahaha
I still wasn’t totally blown away by the outfit. But in the grand scheme of things, it didn’t matter. It was fine, and more importantly, it was free!
I think the whole look gave me Sindy Doll vibes. The shoes are definitely something my Sindy used to have. :)
Old dress, old shoes - new belt, new bag
Dress from Ralph Lauren, Shoes from Manolo Blahnik, Bag from Victoria Beckham at Mango
Does this lady look like she gives a flying **** about having a stoma? :)
My beautiful ‘do’ buddies looked a treat too. All dolled up
Beauts, all of them. :)
Actually everyone at the event looked glorious. I saw some very beautiful and desirable dresses.
…And a huge shout out to the glorious Linda Lusardi (one of the compares for the night) who looked absolutely sensational. The woman is timeless, so beautiful and classy. I want to be like Linda when I grow up (I wish…she is a goddess🥰).
It was such a fun night, it’s very entertaining, the auctioneer is the best in the business and absolutely hilarious.
At one point he said it was nice of the film studio to let Chris out for the evening away from filming Despicable Me 2.
He’s Gru, but he’s my Gru and I love him hahahaha. He’ll love me for bringing that back up. Hahahah.
It’s a difficult evening in some respects because it is a fund raiser for a cancer charity. It’s a charity very close to my heart and I’ve done, and enjoyed a fair few bucket collections for them outside many and various supermarkets.
We had a fabulous evening. I met some wonderful people. I caught up with some familiar faces.
And I didn’t have any wobbly panics, which has got to be a first in such a busy space.
We stayed the night in London. Which is always a pleasure. We love being in town.
When I went to Seville last week I forgot to pack my hairbrush. I had a mad dash round Seville looking for a suitable replacement. Not an easy task as I have some weird thing about the right weight and feeling of utensils.
Anyway, I managed to get one.
And the thing I forgot to take to London was…a hairbrush!! You’d think I’d have learnt from the week before, but surprisingly or unsurprisingly, as it’s me, I didn’t. But I innovated and improvised. Hahaha.
Roll with the punches…
The hotel had spare toothbrushes, but not spare hairbrushes. So I used the toothbrush I took with me on my hair and the hotel one on my teeth. Job done, problem solved. ;)
The next day our friends were meant to be coming for lunch, but they had to pull out due to ill health. And although I was sad they were poorly, the germ phobic in me was glad they didn’t struggle over and infect me :)
Anyway, I assumed we’d spend the day pottering about at home but Chris said “do you fancy going for a walk?”
…and let’s face it, it was never going to be wellies on, rock up to a forest.
No, no, we love long romantic walks to shops…
I hadn’t washed my hair, and I didn’t look particularly great. But rather than miss an opportunity I stuck a hat on and grabbed my bag.
Hat from Lock and Company, top from Gant, Trousers from Michael Kors, Jacket from M&S.
We ended up in our favourite department store. Chris bought himself a blazer, and he said “what do you want to get?”
And I said well I’d never say no to treats. 😂
We went to a jewellers in there as I had my eye on something for a while. Once I tried it on and decided on it the sales assistant said “would you like to see something very special?”
And I said “yes! Always!”
(Which is why I’ll probably be kidnapped one of these days because I’ve gone to look at some puppies in a van! Hahaha).
Anyway, the SA came back with the most incredible ring for me to try on and play with!
It’s an absolute monster!! A beautiful, glorious, luscious monster!!
I said “how much is this?” As I stared into its deep blue depths.
£900.000,00 ~ nigh on a million pounds sterling!!
That’s when I started shaking, because I’m so clumsy I was scared I’d drop it, it’d crack in half, and they’d say that breakages must be paid for! Hahahah. I can’t even sell an organ to cover it as no one wants a former cancer patients organs sadly.
It was fun while it lasted. I can’t say I’ve added it to my list though. I’m happy with my lot. :)
We headed off for an our free cup of tea that we get with our clubcard in there. And then off for Thali in Harvey Nics.
It was a perfect impromptu day out.
We had friends coming in Sunday, well, we were meant to meeting up for the polo but due to all the rain it got cancelled at the last minute.
So I said to our friends to come here and I’d cook the food I had intended to cook for Saturday’s guests. Waste not want not.
I’ve been putting a lot of work into the garden this year. I’ve had help, but I’m impressed with how much effort I have put in. It’s not my natural habitat.
Top from Boden, Jeans from M&S.
It’s turned out beautifully.
I saw a parasol on instagram that I fell in love with, I didn’t fall in love with the price though.
So I had a little Google and found this one…
The company is called CFS (Choice Furniture Store). And the prices are very reasonable. I bought a few parasol holders too because they were beautiful, and were an impulse buy by the check out. :)
They had a discount code on their website recently too.
Having guests over is the perfect opportunity to scape. I’ve had some very nice compliments on my scaping recently. I’ve had a few people ask why I bother too, but let’s focus on the compliments for now. Hahaha
I saw the cherries scape on Mrs. Alice’s website. It was a collaboration with the fashion company Matches Fashion.
Well, I couldn’t afford their one. So I set about finding an alternative.
The porcelain cherry ornaments are from EBay, as are the loose cherries.
The little napkins rings are identical to the Mrs. Alice ones, only these ones were from Etsy at a fraction of the price.
The table cloth was made by Chris.
The candle sticks were from a car boot sale.
…and the battery powered candles (ideal for use in wooden sheds) are from Lights for Fun.
I’m not sure anyone but me really likes my scapes. But as it doesn’t hurt anyone for me to have a little fixation here and there, what’s the harm. :)
We were actually able to enjoy the garden. The weather was great.
My friend Kim’s daughters were happily playing tag. And for reasons unclear, because I’m about as sporty as stale yogurt…I asked if they wanted me to join in.
And they said yes.
So I did!
And I don’t really know what happened, but I somehow managed to run head first into the ground!!
I swear to god I went from standing, to ploughing full speed into floor. It’s almost impressive.
I couldn’t stop laughing, because I have a very nasty habit of laughing at people’s unfortunate tumbles, but also, I very much enjoy participating in them too.
Falls will never not be funny no matter who is doing them. 😂
No harm done, although I did wake up the next day with a throbbing hip, and then I started laughing again at my catastrophic sporting failure!
I’m fine by the way. Hahahah
We went to Ben and Erin’s for dinner on Monday night. Erin cooked a fabulous curry. And they showed us photos of their new kitten, who will be arriving at theirs shortly.
So we have a new Grandkitten on the way. So that’s exciting. Chris and I are not cat people. But we will embrace this new adventure, and new stage in our lives.
Top from Kate Spade, Trousers from Tesco, Shoes from Chanel.
Introducing…
Our Grandkitten - Master Thierry Daniel Henry Chamberlin Doré, or Ti-ti to his friends. 🐈
He reminds me of our actual grandson…probably because Zak loves a filter on FaceTime, he’s often been a cat on video calls. :)
