Going to the chapel… — Gladrags & Bags

I write my blog about living a good life, after cancer. Because the expectation is probably that it would be, a lesser life.

But my experience, and that of many others is that it’s unexpectedly good, despite a traumatic event.

Well, in our case a few tragic events one after the other.

We are lucky. Why? Well, because we were fortunate enough to have made it through.

Some might see our story and think that we are not naturally “lucky” people.

But others will see us alive and well, grabbing life with both hands, and know we definitely are.

Cancer is a thief. It can steal our peace of mind, and leave us yearning for the life we enjoyed in blissful ignorance beforehand, and fill us with fear…

…And that’s when you know you are one of the lucky ones. The lucky ones are here loving life, but scared of recurrence. As fucked up as that may be, we are lucky to still be here.

Cancer can devastate lives and steal loved ones from us.

I don’t think a day has gone by in 14 years since where I don’t think shit “Could it be cancer?”

It doesn’t matter what I’m doing or where I am. I fear it. I feel vulnerable. I’m scared - all the time. Sometimes it’s only the hint of a whisper, and sometimes it’s screaming, loud and clear.

I have learned to get on with life despite this. That’s why I grab it while I can, and very rarely say no to anything.

I have limits of what I feel comfortable doing, but I will always try to live in the moment.

So yes, I agree getting cancer is unfortunate. But surviving it is incredibly lucky, and something I will be forever grateful.

It is a privilege that I’m still here, that our son Sam is still here (after his encounter with stage 3 nasopharyngeal cancer at 13), and my dad’s still here after his cancers. We are lucky.

It’s possible to be unlucky and incredibly lucky at the same time. It just depends on your perspective.

The other reason I started writing my blog was because I was pleasantly surprised by how well I was able to still dress once I had the surgery.

In the grand scheme of things, dressing well isn’t the be all and end all. But it is important to me, and I feel no shame or embarrassment about saying that.

Mainly because I didn’t think it would be possible to do so.

But also because I love clothes and styling them.

And finding out there are very few limitations to dressing has been a sense unending joy.

And even the few limitations I can think of, if I actually wanted to wear the clothes, I could and would. I simply choose not to.

I don’t wear crop tops, not because of my stoma, not because my belly bulges with two hernias and a colostomy bag, not because I’m 51…. But because I don’t want to.

But if I did want to, I bloody well would!

I don’t wear silky slinky slip dresses, again, for the same reasons above.

Also the bag’s outline would show through. I personally choose not to wear anything that you can see it through. I prefer smooth lines and a sleek look. But if I really really wanted to, if my greatest desire was to wear a slinky slip dress - I would.

Because I get to decide what I wear. And I really didn’t see that on the horizon of being a stoma wearer when I was first told I needed the surgery.

I have an interest in style, but not fashion.

If asked I’d say my style is elegant classic, or at least that’s how I see it. That is what I pursue.

I don’t feel any need to follow fashion. That’s way more complicated than I can cope with. Fashions change, elegance and style are forever.

There are definitely some trends that come along that I can add in to my collection. But fashion isn’t my primary focus. Fashion is really tricky, or at least it seems like it to an outsider like me.

I want to dress well, to the best of my ability, and live well; For myself, and to show the world that stoma owning isn’t the end. It isn’t the worst case scenario. It isn’t awful. It isn’t unbearable.

It’s actually fucking amazing!

Despite everything, I’m happy, I’m lucky, I’m grateful. And a life lived in gratitude cannot be underestimated or diminished.

I’m a huge believer in recognising things to be grateful for, whether you write them down or say them in your head. Listing gratitudes can be very beneficial and uplifting.

I’m also a big believer in taking a moment to appreciate small joys.

Like Friday night. Chris text me from work to say did I fancy fish and chips at the seaside to watch the sun set.

And I really did. Who wouldn’t. Chris hates sand and even he was drawn to the beach.

So that’s what we did. We took ourselves…and our cutlery, and off we went. I can’t eat it with those little wooden forks…they remind me of having my sore throat looked at by the doctor as a child. No, I like metal cutlery. So I take my own.

It was heaven. A simple pleasure. Not free because we bought fish and chips. But a homemade picnic would have been just as pleasant.

Cap from Amie Leon Doré, T shirt set from Boohoo, shoes from Gucci

I love this photo. I hadn’t noticed till I got home that my shadow fell between the gaps of the beach huts.

It was a beautiful evening, and a stunning sunset.

The weather had been amazing on Friday, so assumed the beach would be rammed. But it was just us two for the most part. With some dog walkers in the far distance.

It was lovely. And being near the sea is always restorative.

I posted these photos on my instagram, and I received so many lovely messages.

The reason I look so well, if that’s what you’re also thinking, is that I’ve decided to have spray tans regularly instead of risking sun damage.

So I go to the glorious Ellie from Bare_faced (find her on instagram, she’s based in Halstead, Essex. And if you are local I would recommend.

And, No Ellie hasn’t paid me to hype her up, but I adore her and think she’s the best in the business!).

The other reason Chris and I are looking better, is because on the 17th December last year we decided to embrace a new healthier lifestyle. So with the assistance of a fabulous healthy eating coach we have been working on shifting some pounds.

I don’t want to upset anyone who has an eating disorder. So I won’t discuss weight loss too much.

But we have changed our lifestyle and our approach to eating.

I have always had a disordered relationship with food. So I have to make sure that doesn’t creep back up on me.

But at the same time I had to acknowledge I was far heavier than is healthy.

I am now back into the healthy range of BMI (although I do know BMI is bullshittery, invented for the American health insurance industry, it does give a rough indication of healthy/unhealthy weight levels, but it’s not always accurate).

Waist measurements are better indicator. It’s worth googling if you are interested.

Annabelle, my coach, helped me with choosing better foods, whilst still eating food, and although she says she didn’t do that much for me, she’s wrong, she was there with any query about nutrition I had. It felt like I had a guide along the way.

A professional guardian angel. 🥰

For example, Friday night, fish and chips at the beach was actually Fish (remove the batter) and mushy peas. Still delicious, but with a focus on healthier versions of things we love.

Again, not a paid advertisement. I never have any sponsorship or paid ads in my blogs. I just pass on things that have been helpful to me, or things I have enjoyed.

I needed help to sort out where I was going wrong with food. And where I was going to go wrong if I’d tried to pursue a healthier lifestyle by myself.

And it’s been extremely beneficial to both Chris and myself.

I’m really grateful to Annabelle for setting me on the right path.

It’s my birthday this week, I’m the big fifty one! I love all of my birthdays. They are such a blessing. I love every day I get, and birthdays are especially poignant and precious.

I’m getting older!! Yay for me!! How lucky I am.

Ben arranged a special birthday day out on Saturday. He researched and found something he knew I’d enjoy.

I have a deep love of India. If you’ve been you probably feel the same way. India seeps into your heart and soul.

So he took me to see the Ranjit Singh: Sikh, Warrior, King exhibition at the Wallace collection.

It was so thoughtful of him. And kind of him and Erin to come up with such a lovely day out for me.

Because as much as I loved the exhibit, I loved being with them too.

Dress from M&S, Shoes from Gucci, Bag from Christian Dior.

We then headed to Arros in Marylebone for Paella. It’s the best I’ve ever had. Including in Spain in the last 24 years.

We then headed off to meet James and Tanya for drinks and a catch up as they were in town too.

It would have been a wasted day not to go and sit in a park and enjoy the brief sunshine.

This was a particularly easy day, a day where the car is parked near by, full of stoma supplies, and spent with friends. This is the peak of easy.

I rate days on a scale of car near by, spent with friends, to no car with us, spent with people I don’t know.

And my levels of happiness/comfort/discomfort/enjoyment are on a scale of that.

Then Sunday was a very special day.

Sunday we were invited to the wedding of one of the babies I used to be the Nanny for 33 years ago.

It was my one and only full time job…I know, even I think I’m a lazy bitch. I trained to be a Nanny for 2 years at college, I worked a part time job, for maternity cover, for 2 months as a live in Nanny in London, then moved on to my one and only ever full time job, which lasted 5 years, then I retired from that to become a wife and mum, and never went back to work again.

It’s not everyone’s dream life, but I have enjoyed it very much 😊

I started working for the family when Charlotte was 12 weeks, and I was 18, then two years later along came Annabel, and this Sunday was baby Annabel’s wedding.

It was a wonderful day. One of the best I’ve ever seen or been to.

From the flowers (perfection) to the bridesmaids dresses (flawless) to the wedding dress (absolutely sensational!).

It was beautiful. Everything was so well thought through and executed to perfection.

Annabel looked absolutely stunning! She is very naturally beautiful, she’s gorgeous. I am biased because she’s my second baby, but she really is.

I chose my outfit a while back. I saw it in M&S and thought it was such a change of direction for me. I don’t think I’ve ever owed a waistcoat in my life. But I saw it and really fancied it. I tried it on and felt fabulous in it.

I did have some hesitation: having never worn a waistcoat before I did have a panic that I might look like David Essex in it, but Chris reassured me that wasn’t a risk. :)

Chris bought me the shoes from Hermes in February. They are beautiful, but I did wonder how I would style a Christmas fabric (dark green velvet), summer shoe.

I really felt they went well with the suit, I just needed to find a camisole to match with it.

I googled bottle green camisoles and this one came up from Shein.

Shein isn’t my usual go to brand, but it was exactly what I was looking for.

All put together it exceeded my hopes. The colour match for the shoes and top were spot on. And the camisole was only a few pounds too, which is even better.

Suit from M&S, Camisole from Shein, Shoes from Hermes, Bag from Louis Vuitton.

Look at how elegant and classy this looks. The whole day was breathtaking. And exactly how I’d want it if it were my day, but as I’ve already had 2 weddings, I doubt I’d get another one. ;)

The bridesmaids looked fabulous. The colour choices were amazing. But the dresses are great. It’s all the same dress but it can be worn a hundred different ways. Which means each woman can choose the dress that flatters their shape! How fantastic is that!!

One style will not necessarily suit all women. It’s less than ideal to put them all in the same dress, unless they are identical in shape and colouring.

But this way, they get to choose what looks the best on them, and really that’s all you want on the day. The bride wants her maids equally as happy as the maids want to feel.

The bus from the church to the reception venue was adorable.

And Charlie, the first baby I ever looked after in the world looked absolutely beautiful!

I felt so emotional seeing them so grown up and happy. I felt very honoured to be invited.

…And just look at this glorious creature! She is beautiful…

The mummy, The baby, and The Nanny.

Lisa, my former boss, and now friend, nailed her Mother of the Bride outfit. It was perfect. Just the right amount of oomph, classic and classy. She looked gorgeous.

My first children. My bonus children. The first babies I cared for.

Whenever people say “oh are you sad you only had boys?”

Firstly I always think what a stupid fucking thing to say! Of course not! It’s what I was lucky enough to be given, so no. But also, I already had two girls, before I had two boys. And I enjoyed them all equally.

Look at these two. I still see them as babies. They were a huge part of my formative years.

Here they are as bridesmaids at my wedding.

And at my blessing…

(I mean “our”, but you knew they were my big days…featuring Chris, right?) ;)

We had such a wonderful day. It was so so special. It was lovely to meet Belle’s new husband. And to see all of my boss’s family members, who I haven’t seen in the 27 years, since I retired.

The church service was really lovely. The vicar gave his sermon about loving each other in kindness and compassion and respect and caring. It’s like a refresher course for married couples to attend church weddings.

Because sometimes we all just forget the vows we made. And how we should be cherishing our partners.

Wishing Jonathan and Annabel a very very happy happily ever after. And a lifetime of love and friendship.

Then Monday it was off out client entertaining with Chris.

I chose a mix of old and new for this event.

The dress is new. The shoes are not, the bag is a vintage piece I bought last year in a high end reseller store.

Dress from Ralph Lauren, Bag from LV, Shoes, both pairs, from Fendi.

…and when I said both pairs, that’s exactly what I meant.

I bought two pairs of the same style shoe, in two different colour ways. And I decided to mix and match them.

So in answer to any possible questions;

“Yes, I know they don’t match”

“Yes it was intentional”

“And yes, funnily enough I do have another pair just like this at home”

😂

I thought it looked great, especially with the multi coloured design on the bag.

It was a really fun day, the customers who had been invited to join us were all new people to me. Which I find incredibly daunting because I’m socially awkward and completely and utterly socially inept. But they were all fantastically good company!

I had a great day, so hopefully they did too. There was a lot of laughter, which is always a good sign.

It was a jam packed day. First off there was a lunch at Heston Blumenthal’s restaurant The Hinds head, in Bray.

Then on a coach to a river cruise down the Thames, to Windsor racecourse for the evening’s horse racing event.

It was a long day. But great fun.

It is a tricky day for me because we didn’t have a car nearby for storing stoma supplies in.

But this bag was big enough to carry spares. Plus, scissors, stain removing wipes, first aid kit (with resuscitation face mask - I kid you not), plasters, make up, insect repellent, sewing kit, kitchen sink and tissues for when the portaloos invariably run out of loo roll.

I know, I’m a proper little Girl Scout. :)

I’m not going to slag off the food at The Hinds Head, after all who am I to say what’s good or not (apart from all my years spent gorging on the stuff of course)…but who puts whole still firm peas in pea and mint soup!?!

I mean come on, pea and mint is a liquidised smooth form of soupage. Minestrone is a lumpy sort.

Don’t play games Heston, don’t freak out those who struggle with textures, by adding surprise whole peas to it! Hahahahah.

If you’re wondering, yes, I made a right tit of myself by nearly choking on the said surprise peas, then voicing my surprise at peas in a pea and mint soup! Hahahah.

I also added to that when I asked the waiter where the teeny tiny little cucumbers came from in the pâté of my fellow diners.

The waiter looked a bit confused, and explained they weren’t in fact tiny little cucumbers, but actually pistachios!! My fellow guests led me to making a show of myself there, so thanks for that! Hahahahahah you know exactly who you are! 🤣

The food wasn’t a taste sensation like I’d been expecting. Maybe I built it up in my head because Heston has so many Michelin stars. And it’s probably not fair to judge on a day where it’s a mass catered set menu. I’d give it another go sometime, but on the full menu.

The boat trip was fab, even for the sick at sea, like Chris and I. An afternoon pootling down the river looking into the gardens and homes of some of the most spectacular and expensive properties in the country.

Followed by the horse racing. I bet on the final race and won a whopping £27.50, so I’ll be spending that on a new pair of shoes or bag…I probably will need to borrow the rest towards it though! Hahahaha.

It’s been a fun few days, my heart is happy, my social battery is on just next to zero.

So I’m going to celebrate my birthday. And then chill out and hide for a day or so before it all kicks off again.

I’ve got an exciting few weeks coming up with so many adventures ahead.

My birthday was spent exactly how I like it, chilling out, shopping in my fave shop, then dinner with some of my favourites, in my favourite place in London.

Obviously I chose Chutney Mary to celebrate my 51st birthday!

It was fantastic as always.