I’ve mentioned it a few times before, probably too many to be honest, (are you bored of me by now?) but I’ve suffered with insomnia for the last 13 years, I manage, but it’s sometimes hard.
I don’t think anyone sleeps well again once they become a parent, the level of sleep, dependent on the level of listening for choking, vomiting or non breathing (and other assorted nocturnal issues) in their offspring. Restful sleep seems to be a thing of the past, no matter how old the child gets too. (Which could explain why parents look older than their non parent contemporaries).
But my dreadful sleep started escalating during Sam’s cancer diagnosis, and then my cancer diagnosis 6 months later.
Actually it probably predates that somewhat, because I was in agony for a long period of time before Sam was even diagnosed (I had misdiagnosed bowel cancer, which was extremely painful and symptomatic). Which made sleeping somewhat difficult.
But I remember my sleep patterns changing when Sam was diagnosed. It’s not really a surprise is it? Your 13 year old child being diagnosed with stage three cancer (nasopharyngeal carcinoma) is probably going to cause a few sleepless nights for most people. The trauma inflicted, the horror of not knowing how it will play out. Plus staying on hospital wards with him, or being away from him while Chris was up at the hospital with him, plus being away from Ben at home, whilst in London staying at the hospital with Sam, really all adds up to living a very horrific experience.
And then added to that my diagnosis of stage three cancer six months later. Then Ben having some mental health issues in his late teens added to my sleep disorder (Ben’s blip caused by the 2 cancer diagnosis of his brother and mum when he was age 11).
Life happens, we live it in the moment, not knowing how we will get through it all, but you just put one foot in front of the other and carry on, but living life compounds issues around sleep.
Four years ago it all got a bit much, I felt drained by my lack of sleep. So I asked for help. I didn’t want to pursue the big guns of sleep medication, in fact, I was reluctant to take any form of sleep medication at all. It felt like I was a failure (which I appreciate is ridiculous, but it’s how I felt then, it’s how I feel now).
I was prescribed 50mg Phenegan by a doctor. As a short term solution.
…Well 4 years later and I’m still taking phenegan. Although I only take 25mg now.
I find there is no difference in my sleep with the higher dosage.
So I take one 25mg phenegan tablet…and one dropper of OTO 10% CBD oil as my bedtime routine.
I wanted to see if I could get by without the use of any medication and supplements at all…short answer is…no, I absolutely can’t!!
By day 4 of 3 nights with no sleep I was an absolute mess. Completely and utterly exhausted, incoherent and completely washed out, tearful and miserable.
So it was back to the phenegan and CBD oil for me. But I felt it was important to explore other options for better sleep too. I refuse to accept what is now until I look everywhere for the answers I need.
So I did a bit of Googling and discovered CBT-i. I wasn’t familiar with the process but having looked into it a bit I decided to give it a go!
What’s the worst that could happen?
(Incidentally that phrase is both my mantra and my pet hate).
I feel it’s acceptable for me to say to myself, to motivate and inspire. But completely unacceptable for others to say to me as a way to diminish and invalidate my feelings and fears.
I’ve had 3 sessions so far. Nothing to note on the sleep problems, but I’m open to seeing where this goes.
I thought I’d share some suggestions that have been made, as it might help others;
* Check on your sleep hygiene. No electronics in the bedroom. No phones, tablets, TV. Nothing. Kick it all out. (I did this about 15 years ago so that’s not one of my issues). I’ve gone back to paper books. So I don’t even have a kindle in the room anymore.
*Bed is for sex and sleep. I guess one out of two ain’t bad. ;)
*Explore mindfulness and meditation. These can very very useful tools to combat anxiety and stress. But also even if you aren’t feeling those things, it certainly can’t hurt to be more mindful and at greater level of peace.
*Keep a note book by your bed so you can jot down any thoughts that might cause you to spiral in the night.
It also helps to write down your thoughts on the day. How did it go? What could be improved upon. What could you change? What went well? How could you add more of that in?
I find gratitude lists are very useful and beneficial too. Even if the only thing you were grateful for was the day ending so you can try again tomorrow.
I’m always grateful that I wake up in the morning, so I start my list with that, and then move through the day of things I was happy happened.
The note pad and pen by the bed is particularly helpful for me to write down my following day’s to do list.
Because quite honestly, without it I’m f***ed! Hahaha
Sadly I have a memory like a sieve, which then makes me anxious about remembering things for the next day. So I write my to do list before bed and it takes away the fear of forgetting. I keep the note pad and pen accessible through the night for any random tasks and thoughts that may pop up throughout the night.
The note pad and pen is a mighty weapon against sleep disturbances. I find it very useful and very effective.
It won’t cure severe insomnia but it certainly helps take the sting out of its tail. And at the very least it won’t add to the symptoms.
*I’m now giving Progressive muscle relaxation (PMR) a go. It’s along the lines of meditation and mindfulness but it’s adapted to be a more active version. It’s very interesting and I felt definitely worth a try. Have a Google and see if it’s for you. I’ve had some slight improvements, nothing major, but I’m happy to take any scraps of improved sleep that’s on offer.
So that’s my learnings so far in my CBT-i journey…and just by reading this you’ve saved £75 a session. So you can add that to your gratitude list straight away! ;)
*I saw an article on insomnia being improved if you sleep in the astronaut position. Which is laying on your back, with head and legs elevated. I haven’t got a bed that does that position but I have pillows, therefore I will give it a go. What’s the worst that could happen?! ;)
I’m in the process of writing my holiday reminder lists too. Lists, written, lists are a way of life here.
Things I need to pack for upcoming holidays;
Clothes, make up, hairbrush, sunscreen, shoes and bags ~ the hand and colostomy variety.
But I also need to remember bag removal spray, disposing bags (nappy sacks), dry wipes and kitchen towel.
I think I’ve pretty much forgotten to take one or more of these items on many and various trips.
You’d think the amount that the amount of travel I do would make me better at packing? It really hasn’t.
Once I had to pull my stoma bags off with no release spray, not fun.
Once I’ve had to use toilet paper for cleaning and drying my stoma. Not as bad as ripping bags off, but still less than ideal.
Thrice I forgot to take the disposal bags. On two occasions I just bought nappy sacks. On one notable occasion I had to buy full sized bin bags, as it’s all the shop up the mountain in the ski resort had.
It felt wildly unacceptable, I appreciate I’m one of the least eco friendly people on the planet, but even for me, a giant bin bag each time I changed my stoma bag was a very bad option.
And on many occasions I haven’t packed enough stoma bags, which means I felt I had to restrict myself from activities I’d otherwise have liked to have done.
So lists, lists and more lists…just to add, there’s no guarantee that I will read the list correctly. But it’s a fighting chance.
*******
We had a very chilled weekend. We drove over to Emmaus in Cambridge to drop off the bags of stuff I’d collected up for them.
I mentioned Emmaus a few weeks ago. It’s a fantastic charity that really makes a difference to people struggling with homelessness.
It actually makes real time, tangible improvements to the lives of the people it helps.
I love the concept. I love that you can see where your donations go and the difference it makes.
So that’s what we did on Saturday. We dropped off a car full of stuff we no longer need or use…and we stopped by the shop…rude not to while we were there…to see all the pretty things to buy.
My Friday therapy outfit…
Top from Kate Spade, Jeans from Tesco
My Saturday charity shop drop off /holiday shopping outfit.
Jumper from Gyles & George at Rowing Blazers, Fake blouse from River Island, Jeans from Tesco, Shoes from Tods, Bag from CD.
A few new dresses and sunglasses bought we headed for lunch at Wagamama, where I proceeded to burn my mouth on everything I ordered yet again. I have issues, I mean, I know we know that but why do I end up with blisters every single time!
Notice the lack of make up on my nose (from trying on clothes, that mostly didn’t fit as it happens, and the now lack of fake blouse because I ditched it due to being a ball ache to keep taking off and putting on again.
I show you, on a weekly basis, how I go out looking. It’s only just occurred to me that you never see me at the end of the day. I look like a 5th grader after a full day at school, and one of the lessons was PE most of the time!
I also bought a collection of hoodies and summer jumpers to add to my holiday packing as the upcoming weather forecast for Greece is proper dirty. But what will be will be. I can control many things (or at least I believe I can), but I cannot control the weather. I will still be surrounded by 14 of my favourite people. And that’s all that matters.
I have booked the house sitters for while we’re away, I’ve got all my personal jobs done in preparation, I have bikinis, hoodies and a brolly. I’m ready for whatever life brings.
I can’t wait!
The rest of the long weekend was spent in the garden, in between the rain showers, and in garden centres buying stuff to plant, in between the rain showers.
I had a new flowerbed installed, it’s cost me a fortune to fill it up, but it looks incredible already. And the flowers aren’t even in bloom yet. But the expectation and anticipation is palpable. ;)
I think I can probably get addicted to absolutely anything. But my current preoccupation is buying and planting Agapanthus and Alliums!
Yes, at nearly 50, I have become that person. The “let’s go to a garden centre” type!! It’s my rite of passage now. I am garden centres at the weekend years old!
By the time I see you next I will be 50! Yes! Five Oh!! And I cannot wait!
I am so excited for my birthday, as I am every year - as I am every day come to that.
I feel so blessed and grateful to have got here. There’s no panic or midlife crisis here! Only absolute un-dilutable joy!
Happy upcoming birthday to me, what a blessing, happy week to you. Xx