Well Hello,
What glorious weather we’ve been having here. Okay, so I might be getting a bit ahead of myself seeing it’s only been two days of sunshine. But at this point I’ll take any signs of positivity.
I have been feeling totally fed up with little health niggles. Nothing life threatening or anything and I am truly grateful for that. I feel guilty for being fed up, when people are going through such a tough time themselves.
But I am having on going womb and bladder issues. To explain my complicated set up we have to go back 12 years to the surgery to remove the bowel tumour.
So leading up to the operation I had radiotherapy and chemotherapy.
My womb and ovaries were radiated to destruction, along with the tumour.
So when it came to the operation my womb and ovaries were to be removed too. Well, I was asleep for the drama that unfolded, but my ovaries were removed, the tumour was removed, along with local lymph nodes…that’s the good bit. But the shit the fan and I hemmoraged and lost nine pints of blood.
Like I said, I was asleep and in blissful ignorance. It must have been horrible for the theatre team though.
So they aborted mission to get my womb out. They had to patch me up and bring me back. Long term health is irrelevant if the patient dies on the table.
But this means I’ve been left in a bit of a predicament. Wombs are useless empty sacks if there are no ovaries to bring them an egg to nurture.
There’s no good that comes from a womb that isn’t connected to anything. It’s just a redundant bag.
I started HRT six weeks after my surgery. It was okay ish. It worked so so. I felt like shit most of the time but I was managing.
And that went on until last year when I decided enough was enough I wanted as full a life as possible. And I definitely wanted to be free of constant UTIs, thrush and general unpleasant symptoms down below (if you get my drift).
So I started on some all singing. all dancing turbocharged HRT. Tablets, patches and pessaries, the whole shebang. And for the most part things improved. Far less UTIs for a start.
But four months in I started bleeding and it’s pretty much not stopped since October last year.
Now periods are bad enough and inconvenient enough when there are fertile eggs involved. Periods that are empty of eggs are to be honest my Achilles heel.
I have coped with an extraordinary amount of blows in my time. But nothing really compares to losing my fertility.
I know what you’re thinking, and I am indeed very lucky I have two beautiful children. But losing my ability to make more at the age of 36 has been the biggest challenge to overcome.
More so as it turns out than getting used to a stoma.
I remember the oncologist telling me what my treatment plan would be. He said (and he was a wonderfully warm and kind man) “Mrs Doré, you will need radiotherapy and chemotherapy and the stoma of course. Your womb and ovaries will be destroyed beyond repair, but that’s okay because you’ve got children. Oh and the good news is you won’t lose your hair with this type of chemotherapy!”
I appreciate he was trying to find the positives in a awful situation. But as I told him, “I couldn’t give a flying fig about my hair, it would have grown back anyway, so unless my womb will I’ll decide what is the positives and negatives in this scenario in my life”
It remains as painful as it was in that moment, even now. And I know you will think - well babes you’re 48 your baby making days are well and truly over, ovaries or not.
But when I hear of pregnancies, especially in older women, happens a lot these days, I think that might have been me if life had turned out differently, I wasn’t finished making babies. Or maybe I was, but I didn’t get to decide that.
So bleeding on and off most weeks since October has been had work emotionally. I was given Tranexamic acid to try and stop it.
I took just two tablets back in December and it worked straight away. I have had mild bleeding off and on since then, but manageable.
Then last week it was like someone had turned on the taps. Honestly it was so scary. Even when I had egg filled, normal periods I didn’t get anything like that.
I tried the Tranexamic acid again but even after 16 tablets nothing was helping.
So Monday night I had an emergency appointment at the private GPs we use.
What a breath of fresh air she was. She just happens to specialise in hormones and gynaecology (which I didn’t know when I booked it but thank god for her).
Long story short she’s upped all my HRT. Doubled it all. She’s hopeful we can get it sorted this way. She did say that if it doesn’t she’s going to refer me to her favourite consultant gynaecologist for womb zapping.
She listened, and more importantly heard me when I said I can’t keep going on like this, it’s distressing and debilitating and bloody annoying.
She was amazing. I feel like I have a plan. I feel like I have a way through it.
She did say that this dose of HRT could make me want to eat more carbs (is it even possible to eat more than I already do?), she also said it might make me incredibly horny but also a bit angry and stabby! So what a wonderful combination that’s going to be! Hahahahaha, good luck Chris. Hahahahaha.
Still, forewarned is forearmed and all that. He’s being very careful to put things into the dishwasher and laundry bin of late. So maybe there are more positives than were expected from this new regime. :)
So that’s my moan of the week. :)
I would just like to mention that we all should really know more about menopause and peri menopause. Fifty percent of the worlds population will go through it, but pretty much a hundred percent will be affected by it, directly or indirectly.
Have a Google if you don’t know much about either.
It’s actually very sad to think that some women are throwing away marriages (relationships) or jobs and careers because they don’t know what they are actually suffering from is peri menopause or menopause itself. The symptoms can be so insidious that it’s unknown to be connected to either of those issues. I believe most people think, if they think about menopause at all, that your periods stop and you have hot flushes.
It can be all consuming than that for a lot of people. Not all, of course, some just sail through it and to them I say bravo!! Thank goodness, hooray!
It’s worth everyone knowing more about menopause. Because lives can be made better if needed. HRT is a very good thing for an awful lot of people.
As sad as I am about the loss of my ovaries, at least I know what my issues have been caused by. And have been able to get it sorted out.
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Anyway, what have I been up to? Well a bit actually, I was still able to function. Just feeling yucky and exhausted.
Friday night we went to Bury St Edmunds to meet a friend of ours and his sons for dinner. We don’t usually go out on Friday nights for some reason. But I have booked a few in as it really feels like a longer weekend if you’ve packed more in.
Dress from Finery, Tights from Tesco, Boots from Valentino Rockstuds.
I’m dressing in dresses for the moment. I don’t want anything round my belly. Firstly, it’s ideal for stoma output. But it’s just far more comfortable all round.
I cut a hole in my tights for my stoma bag to poke through. I know some people feel no need to do this, but I have had a few filter failures from too tight clothing, so I tend to bring the whole bag through the hole and let it fill without restriction.
It was so good to see our friend. We hadn’t been to the house he moved to a while back. It was also nice to go out in an area we’ve not really explored before. And very nice it was too.
Then Saturday we pottered in the garden in the morning and then went off to Hampshire to visit Sam, Milly and Zak.
It’s Millys birthday coming up so we wanted to pop over, take them out for dinner and drop off Mils birthday present.
Zak was in great form. He’s 3 soon but his sense of humour is very refined. He’s just so funny.
I found the pulse oxometer I had bought them for the pandemic in his toy box. I put it on my finger, it was on there a few seconds, he came over, viewed the screen and said “oh, dead”. His comic timing is impeccable.
We all cracked up. He is a ray of sunshine.
We had such a lovely time with them. Milly liked her pressie. We all enjoyed the curry at a restaurant close to their home. I’m very fussy when it comes to curry. But it was delicious.
Again a dress seemed the right choice. Especially for eating.
(Happy birthday Milly, hope those boys spoil you xx).
Dress from Matalan, Tights from Tesco, Boots from Valentino.
Then Sunday was a special day for Chris and Ben. Kaitlyn and I bought them a guided tour of Arsenal’s Emirates Stadium for Christmas. I’ve no idea why anyone would want this, but apparently people enjoy it.
So we all went up to London together. The boys went off to do their fooottttbbbbaaalllll thing. And Kaitlyn and I went to Selfridges. I know who I think got the better of the deal.
Dress from Oasis, Tights from Tesco, Boots from Gucci
I haven’t been able to get the colour foundation I usually use, something to do with the EU blocking this particular colour due to an ingredient. Can you believe my luck. Two colours have been stopped, both of which I use. So I had to try and find a substitute.
Kaitlyn needed to get a new concealer, it was at the beauty counter Kaitlyn was trialing concealer, I happened to say “I’ve never used concealer”
and Kaitlyn said “oh really!?!”
To which I jokingly replied “darrrrrling, I’m wonderful, what would I ever need to conceal!”
…as I said it I turned away, and just as I did that I caught sight of myself in the mirror, under the bright lights…and this grey hair (I have 6 actually, but there’s one that will not behave) pinged up and sparkled under the lights. It lit up like a Christmas tree!!
We both saw it at the same time. She just turned to me and said “that!!”
Fair enough, good point, well made! Hahahahaha
It made me laugh so much. I don’t have a problem with grey hair. I mean, in that I don’t mind them. I’ve earned them as far as I can tell. I am 50 next year. I am getting old, Yay me!!
I love all birthdays, none of them are promised. Every single new number on the cake is exciting and amazing.
I do colour my hair, big shock…I’m not a natural blonde. But I have no interest in colouring it for covering the greys. I just prefer fair hair.
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We had lunch in Aubaine in Selfridges, I had another salad nicoise but this time I made sure I didn’t lose an earring.
We then popped to Primark. I mean who doesn’t love a rummage in there.
I then took Kaitlyn to Mecarto Mayfair. The little foodie place in a converted church, not far from Oxford Street.
She had never been before, and really enjoyed it. What’s not to love, great food, drinks and live music.
The boys headed over after the stadium tour and we had drinks before the dinner Chris had booked.
He’s set himself the task of finding weird and wonderful things to see and do in London.
I’ve loved it. I saw my first Banksy in the wild on one of his tours.
But this wasn’t a looking at place. This was a dining experience. I can’t believe I’ve never heard of it before. It was rammed. So clearly I’m slow to the party.
It was fantastic. Totally, utterly would recommend…that said, judging by how busy it was, you probably already know about it and have been countless times.
It’s called Brassiere Zédel. It has a few different options to choose from. But we went to the Brassiere, rather than the American Bar or Café.
…me eyeing up a crem brûlée. :)
The food was delicious. And really very reasonably priced too. It was half the price that say, Chutney Mary usually comes to.
We had a lovely day. But my belly was super full.
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This week I had another meeting with Bowel Research UK. This particular project we’re working on is fascinating and will lead to something extraordinary. But I had such a weird feeling during the meeting. Have you ever felt you shouldn’t be somewhere? Well that’s how I felt. All the other people on the Zoom, were super bright, most of whom have been in the academic field. And I’d say all of them either had or have high performing jobs.
I don’t often feel anxious on a Zoom meeting but I really felt like a fish out of water.
There was no reason for this. The group are lovely people. It was just so weird.
I’m not smart, and definitely not academic and I’ve only really had one job. I was a Nanny, and I only did that for five years, until I retired to become a mummy.
I’m happy with how life has gone. I have achieved everything I’ve ever set out to do. So there really was no reason to feel insecure about this situation. But hey, don’t fight the feelings that come. Just learn to roll with them.
Weirdly, I’m really very interested in this particular project. So I have no idea what happened there.
It’s a great charity to be involved with. I can give you details if you’d like to join too. It feels really meaningful to be involved in research projects that will help others in the future.
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*Super excited for Sam. He got his new hearing aids. He lost hearing due to the chemotherapy and radiotherapy he had for cancer when he was 13.
He went to the audiology appointment a few weeks ago. She explained that had he been born with the level of hearing he’s been left with due to treatment, he wouldn’t be a talker now.
But because he lost his hearing (not totally) after he had learned to talk - he can speak. Fascinating really.
Being a cancer survivor is amazing. It’s the only outcome anyone could want. But survival comes with adaptions, alterations and on going issues.
Cancer can be vanished in people, if they are lucky. But the side effects can last a life time. And not just the physical ones too.
I feel very grateful that Sam and I cope very well with our lot. We are very lucky.
Sam’s very happy with these new hearing aids. There’s an app on his phone that can do all sorts of functions. So that’s very exciting for the future. :)
He loves a bit of tech that boy. :)
I hope you are well. I hope the weather continues to brighten. :) xx