I have news!!!
I have done things!!
I feel like I’ve finally come out of my chrysalis and now I’m a vibrant butterfly!
(alright, that is a slight exaggeration, I feel as drained and depleted as I usually feel but I have been to shops!). Freedom!!
The reason we can come out and play again is our amazing NHS has vaccinated all of the vulnerable categories. What an incredible achievement!
I doubt we’ll ever be fully free of covid, bugs have always and will always exist. But with the people most risk now protected, we can move forward. Happily, merrily...marchingly towards the airport to go on holiday…only kidding, I’m not flying off till October. :)
This woman ventured out into the world. Well, I went to Neptune in Colchester to see my happy place for the first time since December. And it felt good!
Top from Karl Largerfeld, Leggings from TK Maxx, Shoes from Gucci, Bag from Chanel.
It felt so wonderful to be back in there. I used to find being in work (I work for Neptune Colchester remotely, so I haven’t needed to go in) a treat anyway. But it’s extra special now. It felt like normality was on the horizon.
I don’t really need to go to any other shops, I’ve managed, for the last 3 lockdowns to get most everything I want from the comfort of my own home.
I just miss looking at, and buying beautiful homewares. Call it a hobby, call it an obsession, the choice is yours, the line between the two are so blurred I can’t even tell anymore! Hahahahaha.
****************
I wore a convex stoma bag with these leggings, as they are a little more snug than they used to be. And that’s ok, I’m ok with it. I simply added a convex bag to take my weight gain into account, and to prevent leaks.
*In the 10 years prior to finally being diagnosed with cancer, having been misdiagnosed with cancer for some 10 years, I was very very slim.
I thought it was because I worked hard on it. I really convinced myself it was because I ate well and moved a lot. I didn’t particularly.
BUT I regularly deprived myself of food, I have always had issues with disordered thoughts about food. But as it turns out, my weight was mostly being kept down by a tumour at that point.
Well, after I was diagnosed, treated and cured, I gained a lot of weight, mainly because I was able to eat anything and everything. I have a bag, tummy upsets are no longer an issue.
Although I have never starved myself again since I was diagnosed with cancer, basically cancer cured that bit, but sometimes the negative thoughts and binging would still occur.
From my teenage years onwards I have always felt food was both punishment and an earned treat. But it isn’t, this isn’t normal or necessary.
Food should be just food.
Well, enter stage left, my salvation...after an appointment with Sophie Medlin, dietitian and all round good egg, she, and her words and her work, broke down my food disordered thinking.
(Follow her on Instagram for good all round, level headed food and eating advice).
Yes, I am bigger than I used to be, and yes, I am overweight by BMI standards. But what I actually am is the happiest with my body I’ve ever been, and more importantly, happy with myself, plus I’ve stopped over thinking food.
I am enjoying food, I’m loving food. I’m not using food as retribution or reward.
I have what I want, when I want, no restrictions, no damming myself for eating it too.
I have freed myself of poisonous thoughts. “I should be thin, I used to be thin, why aren’t I now?”.
Forgetting the 2 main reasons I was thin; 1) I used to regularly starve myself, and 2) there was a massive cancerous tumour up my arse.
I now eat for pleasure, for joy.
If I gain weight and my clothes don’t fit, that’s ok. Because I feel ok. And you know shops sell bigger sizes right?
I no longer keep a food diary, I no longer weigh daily, a slave to the scales, with the number on the screen deciding my mood for the day. I am free of judging myself on a number I happen to be that day.
I also fully register that when I’ve been at my thinnest, I have NEVER ever been at my happiest. It is worth checking to see if being thin/thinner is really what you are yearning for. Or if there is something else that’s making you feel unhappy and unsettled, and you’ve just gravitated towards thinking weight is the problem.
Because having given it some thought, I really don’t think it’s something I desperately want anymore;
I was thin whilst starving myself, loathing myself and cutting myself as a teenager and beyond.
I was thin whilst misdiagnosed with cancer. In agonising pain and shitting myself for years.
I was thin when my Sam was going through cancer treatment when he was 13.
I was thinner even, at Christmas just gone because I lost 7lbs due to fretting about a health issue.
None of these moments in my life are happy occasions. I was thin, or thinner, I was certainly not happy, in fact I was deeply, intensely unhappy, stressed or sad.
We really need to focus on having good relationships with food, and stop seeing it as ‘naughty’, bad, or any other disordered thinking about it.
It is delicious, and nourishing. It is not a weapon, to be binged on or restricted.
None of your, or my friends are thinking ‘I really wish she’d lose some weight, she’d be nicer, better, improved, happier”.
None of them are thinking about your weight at all actually, they’re thinking about their own maybe, but I doubt they’ve ever given yours any thought at all. I literally couldn’t even take a guess at what my friends weigh, I bet you couldn’t either. For something that fixated me for so long about myself it’s actually at the bottom of a very long and extensive pile when my thoughts turn to other people.
*If they are obsessed with your weight, I’d suggest you need new friends rather than a diet.
Obviously obesity isn’t ideal for multiple health reasons. But nor is an eating disorder. Or disordered food thoughts.
There is no good and bad, there is just food. We all deserve it. We’ve ALL ‘earned it’, no matter what we did or didn’t do prior to it, We all need it.
Moderation is the key, a little of what you fancy does you good…and most importantly, joy when eating. That’s all we need to focus on.
So all these ‘celebs’ and Instagramers with their ‘earning what they eat’, skinny teas and skinny jabs, are selling us a dud. Because happy looks better than skinny ever will.
**************
On the subject of enjoying food, our delivery from The Cornish Fishmonger came on Friday. We had ourselves a delicious fruits de mer treat Saturday lunchtime.
Two things, no, I won’t be watching Seaspircy any time soon, I’m fully aware of the bad practices of some countries using super trawlers and decimating the oceans.
I never buy fish from supermarkets, I no longer buy canned fish, and I only buy from fishmongers, that use sustainable fishing methods.
I love fish, I’m not giving it up.
Second point, it’s a bit of luck that’s not a scratch and sniff photo because I was covered in fish-ness, to the point I had to shower and change.
I’m also glad we decided to go to Neptune before we had lunch. :)
It was an absolute delicious treat. I tried a clam for the first time, I do not like clams as it turns out. I’m very basic, prawns, langoustines, crab and a smidge of lobster occasionally. That’s it. Chris however loved it all, which is why I bought it really.
He is having an absolute nightmare. He’s had back problems for 30 odd years but he had some weird and not so wonderful new things occur.
He went to physio last week and it really helped with the back pain he was in.
But then his leg went weird. He’s in excruciating pain and numbness, a weird combo by anyone’s standards. But he can’t lift his foot up too. I thought it was weird and said he should go to A&E (ER).
He refused, struggling on, hobbling about.
Anyway it must have got really bad because he booked an online doctors appointment on Saturday night, the doctor said to go to A&E…so he did…I’m sure someone else suggested that days ago, but never mind hahah.
We have avoided A&E due to covid. We have avoided any DIY that might lead to it too. I hadn’t been cycling since October/November time. We stayed safe and avoided anything daring.
But Chris says A&E was perfectly fine. He felt very safe. And lucky bugger that he is, (sort of) the doctor treating him had had Drop Foot, caused by a compressed sciatic nerve too, so not only did she know exactly what it was, she knew personally exactly how it felt too.
I think doctors who have experienced health issues make better doctors.
My surgeon has been hospitalised with bowel problems in the past, it gave him a far greater understanding and bedside manner.
Chris was at A&E, seen, and back home in 3 hours! This is something of a record.
(On that note, please please don’t put off seeing a doctor if you have any health concerns. It’s very safe now. It wasn’t for a while as hospital acquired infection was very high. But I do believe they have things under control now).
He is lolloping around love him, it’s a bit tricky walking whilst numb and in pain, with a foot that won’t respond to instructions, It should heal itself, with some strong pain meds and anti inflammatories in about 3-4 weeks.
He is going for an MRI and to see a specialist, just to make sure it’s not going to be a permanent issue.
Just praying it doesn’t start another back spasm off again. He really needs a break. He’s so good, he never moans, he just gets on with life. xx
********
Sunday we had a momentous occasion, we had friends coming over! Actual real life friends!
I did ask Chris if he wanted to cancel, but as he said he was going to be in pain with or without company, so he might as well enjoy himself as much as he can.
He’s on strong medication, it’s not really touching it, but a lot better than nothing.
Chris rested, I did all the day’s prep. I’m not completely evil (well I am a bit, I did ask him to attach the new gate to the new fence, but in my defence our friends have 3 year old twins and I didn’t want them escaping the garden.
He made a lovely job of the new fencing. Yes, he did that over the last few weeks, all whilst in agony. Humans are incredible creatures, and some are superhuman and superheroes.
I was serving my specialty…salt beef bagels and all the trimmings. I have never tasted salt beef in my life as I only eat chicken and fish. But apparently (why would they lie?) I make incredible salt beef!
Dress from Ghost, Shoes from Christian Dior.
I bought this dress in January, it was long sleeved, but Chris took them up a bit for me. I’m a bit stumpy, with very short arms.
I got myself dolled up, I cooked the food, I dressed the table, I got the toys out for the girls.
Can I, at this point draw your eye and your attention to my balls, my beautiful big balls of ice. I was so excited to make them, although I didn’t put any flowers in as planned, I did think just the ice balls alone were very striking.
Well, I wouldn’t bother making them if I were you. I know I won’t be again.
Utterly underwhelmed, 1 star.
What I hadn’t taken into account is once the ice bucket is filled with drinks, no one could see my beautiful ice ball display!
What a waste of my time, effort and saturation, as I kept having accidents whilst filling them at pressure from the tap. Spraying myself and the kitchen throughout the entire process.
The lady I saw on Instagram that gave me the idea did only have one bottle of champagne in her display now I come to think about it, I don’t know about you but one bottle isn’t going to satisfy any of my friends. ;)
Salt beef for them, salmon and cream cheese for me.
Throw on a blanket and run round with it blowing in the air and you have yourself Elsa and Anna costumes. We played the music from Frozen a lot. :)
It was wonderful seeing the garden being used to its full potential, with joyous little people running around loving it.
I either need to get myself some more small children or move to a smaller house and garden.
We had such a wonderful day. Obviously it was great to see our friends, but also, the sun was shining. the birds were singing and the food was good (even if I do say do myself).
Chris managed to stay awake, which was lovely, and not altogether expected, although he did go to bed very early.
I got the boy’s old toys out of storage a few weeks ago. And very well they went down too.
I felt rather sprightly this morning, no idea why, probably a good dose of friends and laughter certainly must have helped though.
I decided to go for a little bike ride, my first one of the year! I only went for a quick 20 minuter. But it was lovely to be back out there again.
We continued with our lunch time walk, it was part of Chris’s back rehab, but now it’s part of his Drop Foot recovery too.
I enjoy a walk so now it’s nice to have someone to go with.
A ride and a walk in one day, that’s athlete status in my usually sedentary world!! Hahah
I had a lovely interaction with an elderly lady in the village the other day.
Chris and I were on our daily walk.
I wore a dress, I didn’t think much about it, but we walked past two ladies having a catch up and a cuppa on a bench.
One of the ladies looked up and said “oh that’s the first pretty summer dress I’ve seen this year, you look wonderful my dear!”
Well I bounced home with a real spring in my step.
If you see someone dressed nicely, why not tell them whether you know them or not. Spread a little happiness. xxx
Dress from H&M, Shoes from Jimmy Choo
I was wearing running shoes and socks for the walk, so the compliment was greatly appreciated, as it’s not quite a look I’d go out out in. :)
I now just wander the village, courting compliments from strangers…I’ll be knocking on doors next! hahahahah ;)