Right, so we’re now fully immersed in a brand new year!! Whooohoooo!
…Hold on a minute, are you sure this is a new one? A fresh one? It’s seems strangely reminiscent of the last one, to be honest, it feels very much identical.
Oh well, let’s make the most of it, for what it’s worth every day is a blessing, even the ones that don’t feel it.
So what have I been up to?….
The end…..
Hahhahaha…pretty much this, just nothing.
What’s made it worse this time, is I haven’t been feeling too well since early November.
Long story short, just over four years ago I had severe labyrinthitis, I was rough with the main symptoms for about 4 weeks, then milder symptoms for about 5 months.
Well, in November a lot of the original symptoms came back.
Not quite as bad as the first time, but definitely enough to cause concern, especially in an already health phobic person like myself.
I put up with it for ages, hoping it would go away. Which it didn’t, so I finally booked a GP appointment just before Christmas, she suggested an ENT appointment was probably wise, but then added let’s do some blood tests to rule anything else out.
Well, that set me off into a spiral of fear.
I am hypersensitive to thoughts of this nature.
When you’ve lived the worst case scenario, twice in our case, it’s hard to focus on the positives.
I put the blood tests off and off, always a sensible course of action (not!! Do not do this!), well anyway, long story short I finally had the tests done and they’ve all come back fine, apart from one which was a bit high but the GP said that it isn’t medically worrisome.
All that fear for nothing. My fear isn’t shocking, it’s learned behaviour. It’s also exacerbated by the hugely perilous times we’re living in.
So, not only was I worried about the fact something could be wrong, I was also terrified that it wouldn’t be able to be put right if it was.
My local private hospital, that I went to for bloods, has had to cancel all operations, because even small ops carry a risk. One in two thousand, five hundred have complications, and they rely on the local NHS hospital to transfer those complications to, well the NHS hospital is closed to all elective ops, due to being over run with covid. So the private hospital can’t do them either, as they have no emergency route to back it up.
Hearing things like this does nothing to calm my fears.
Thankfully the bloods didn’t show anything up that needs looking into. So now I will pursue the ENT route.
As you can see, it’s all fun and games living in my head space. Hahaha.
I got myself all worked up, I could hardly think straight, so full to the brim of what ifs.
In day to day life, if you met me, I’m a pretty happy go lucky sort. Add in any health query and I melt into the most feeble, wet lettuce you’re ever going to meet. Add in feeling dizzy, vertigo and headaches and my goodness I’m a delight to behold!! :)
I’m sure it’s just a resurgence of the old inner ear issue, which I don’t think they can do much about anyway. For now I shall just stick to the head exercises I learnt back then.
So, what have I been up to so far this year? Fretting, that’s about it. ;)
In between frets (not a word but it works), I have managed to occupy my time.
When the third lockdown was announced I visibly deflated. It’s so bloody wearing. It’s so daunting and demoralising.
I can’t be doing with feeling like that, so the next day, after the announcement, I booked myself onto a new online course.
I did the dog grooming course last March during lockdown 1.
Now don’t be put in doubt of my skills that my one and only client passed away a few weeks after I qualified, neither of these incidents are connected I can assure you.
I only did the course because I wanted to save that cranky old lady a trip to the groomers, she wasn’t a fan, and I had to pay the groomer £5 extra danger money each time, due to Pepper’s temperament and tendency to bite.
This time round I’m doing a floristry course. Which I’m very excited about. I have zero artistic ability but the course only cost £25, so what’s the worst that could happen? Nothing, nothing at all. Nothing is banked on it, nothing is riding on it. It’s just something to do.
If it fills a few minutes of the day then thank god for that - it’s £25 well spent.
I was invited back on to BBC radio Essex to discuss the impact of the new lockdown on me. I spoke about the floristry course, and about the Spanish course I’m doing.
The presenter asked me at the end of the interview if I thought I’d come out of the corona crisis a better person?
Errrrrrrrr, no, I think that’s highly unlikely, and I might add - unnecessary thank you very much!! I’m a delight as I am! Hahahahaha
I did explain that my only hope is to come out of it still sane, and keeping occupied it a very good way to do that.
I am great at creating jobs for other people to do too. I bought some clothes in many and various online sales. I knew they were cute but I also knew they just might not be exactly what I was looking for. But I have my very own in house tailor that has made said new clothes fit like a glove.
Chris is the best, I really like him. I think I’ll definitely keep him around. ;)
I bought the leggings, pictured below, in a size too big, for my required “poo room”. It’s a preserve of a stoma wearer to need clothes that they can poo in.
It’s such a weird thing to vocalise, but without poo room my clothes are no good to me. It’s no good having clothes that look great if it’s going to cause a bag leak.
The only problem was, buying a size too big in leggings made them baggy, bell bottom leggings aren’t really desirable.
Well, enter stage left my fantastic husband who can now, as it turns out, tailor my clothes to fit. As a short arse myself, you have no idea how amazing that new skill is to have around. :)
Leggings from Shein, Jumper from River Island, Shoes from Jimmy Choo
Leggings from Shein, Jumper from TK Maxx, Shoes from Chanel
I bought some dresses too, but I felt the sleeves didn’t match the season I’d wear them in, so Chris cut them down for me and made short sleeve dresses.
As you can see, I’m hopeful that I’ll need dresses to wear in the real world this year. I haven’t totally lost my spark of hope and positivity. Hahahahaha
We’ve also booked a holiday, which kind of suggests I still think we can get out of this mess. We’re off to Iceland for 3 nights, and then on to NYC for 4 nights in November (as long as we’re both vaccinated by then, it’s only 314 days away so I really hope we are). I’m really really looking forward to it.
We’re hoping to get away earlier than that too. We’re planning on driving to our house in Spain. Which is the first time we’ll have ever done that. It’s really exciting too. Because we are driving it’s made me think of all the things I can take with us!
The car is going to look like the Clampets arriving in Beverly Hills!! Hahahahaha
Fingers crossed we get jabbed soon. Inshallah. xx
We’ve kept ourselves busy at the weekends with garden projects. We can’t go anywhere, so it feels a bit like the walls are closing in. Garden work is a fantastic way to spend time, and I dislike gardening very much. But tidying one bit of the garden at a time is very therapeutic.
…I say we, and I did help tidy the trimmings up but for reasons unclear (apart from my lack of spatial awareness, dyspraxia and vertigo Chris wouldn’t allow me on the power tools) ;)
I kept myself busy by reworking my Christmas door wreath. I took it down after Christmas, but the door seemed so bare. I decided to give it a spring update.
From this…
To this…
The weekends are easier because Chris is home and I have someone to talk to.
The week days are a bit trickier, and as someone who loathes people saying they’re bored (although during pandemics as it turns out I am one of those people some of the time), it is hard to fill a day.
My heart goes out to anyone going through this pandemic alone or worse still, with someone you don’t want to.
Please reach out if you need support. There are places that can help.
I live a very privileged life, I get that. I have no right to complain. I understand that. My heart breaks for people in actual shit situations.
My angst is just fuelled by frustration of not being able to live our old life. Not one of loneliness or danger. Please ask for help if needed.
I have kept myself busy some of the time by cooking. I swore off cake making after the last lockdown as it was very dangerously tipping me towards diabetes.
But I have made some fantastic soups…this one was a real treat.
I saw this it on a fashion influencer, Lorna Luxe’s Instagram;
It was delicious. Really really very good. A real pick me up. Even better the next day too. Anything like soups and curries always taste better day 2.
I have also made my first ever Irish Soda Bread. I have no idea if it compares favourably with Irish made Irish Soda Bread, as I’ve never had it in my life before, but it tasted delicious.
*missing text. Once you turn it down cook for a further 20 minutes.
*I didn’t add rosemary.
I also made (yes, I broke my own no cakes rule) a Bread and Butter Pudding. I used up a panettone that we were very kindly bought for Christmas.
It was out of this world!!
* I replaced the bread with panettone.
I find things to do. I set myself the task of sorting a cupboard or two a day too. A good declutter is good for the soul.
My house is sparkling at the moment. As are the insides of the cupboards. This is very new for me. Usually I shove more and more in without a care in the world. And once we’re allowed back out into the world I shall revert to form. Hahaha
But for now, to fill time, I shall be the most organised person (in this house, I’m not going to go overboard, my tidy is probably still someone else’s room 101).
I read an article last week about plants that can help aid insomniacs. Well as I fully paid up member of that club for the last 11 years it piqued my interest. I then bought some of the plants recommended.
I had such high hopes, after spending a fortune on them and turning our bedroom into a set from Day of The Triffids, I really thought I’d cracked it!
Well the first night, I can report ~ was the worst nights sleep I’ve had in a long time!! Worse than the other bad nights sleep I’ve had for 11 years.
Did I put too much pressure on myself, on the plants themselves? Did I expect too much?
Clearly!!
But if nothing else the room looks super cute. So there’s always a silver lining.
These a selection of insomnia aiding plants. Prevention, rather than instigation.
I always live in hope though, and it’s always worth giving non medical ideas a go.
The best thing about the new year, is my meetings with the charity I volunteer for (Bowel Research UK) are back on.
I really do look forward to them for many and various reasons but the main one right now is that it’s breaking up the week.
I don’t see anyone but Chris 24/7, and I have no complaints about that, but I do miss seeing people mid week.
And no, I’m not keen to go back to a world of handshakes and casual hugs…keep you germs up yourself thank you very much. But I do miss talking to other people.
(I had Pilates this week with Ostomy Studio, if you have a stoma, hernia or have had abdominal surgery this is the class for you. Sarah Russell is amazing at tailoring the class to your individual needs. Look her up on Facebook or online. Highly recommend.
I chat regularly with my friends on the phone, which does help.
We FaceTime with Sam, Milly and Zak, which is riotous fun. Zak was so cute. The other day I said something to him and he turned round and said “whyyyyyyyyy?” Oh what fun they are going to have now the whys have started. Hahahahaha.
I see Ben on the front porch when he picks up parcels. At a safe distance obviously, I can assure you as Chris and I are so paranoid about catching covid we take no chances.
There’re too many people in our local area to risk contact with people.
People we know well are dropping like flies, people we know have been put on ventilators, it’s all getting a bit too close for comfort here. So no, we don’t have anyone coming into our home, it simply isn’t worth it right now).
Anyway, the meetings with Bowel Research UK have been a god send through this time.
I used to go to London regularly for them, but Zoom is a pretty good alternative.
We catch up, we discuss projects…but mainly it gives me a reason to get up, washed and dressed.
I walked past my bedroom mirror the other day and I was horrified! I looked like Kathy Bates in Misery!!
….and that’s being generous to me, I realised that Chris, bless him has had to look at that for days on end. I realised very quickly I needed a bit of a lift and a bit of a boost!
It’s very difficult to stay positive, I’m certainly not always a positive Polly, my default is negative Nelly.
But I do feel it’s important that I work hard on my positivity, it’s worth making the effort. It’s worth winning the battle over negative demons. And if you don’t feel particularly positive, get yourself dolled up, put your glad rags on and fake it till you make it!
Having a reason to get dressed helps. So I’m very grateful to volunteer for BRUK.
It’s not easy. But it’s worth it
Dress from H&M, Tights from Tesco, Boots from Jimmy Choo
Things I do to boost my mood;
Wash and blow dry my hair and put a face on
Play uplifting music and sing along full volume
Dance around the house, I often pretend I can do ballet as I hoover…I cannot do ballet, but who cares
Go for a walk in greenery
Though a walk in snow would perk me up more
Eat raw fruit and veg
Jump out on Chris at any given opportunity - not appreciated by Chris, but again, who cares ;)
Call a friend that’s fun
Let yourself notice the good things, look for the good things that happen every day
And more than anything, believe things will get better. xx