I suppose I should count myself lucky that I had something to occupy me for the first 7 weeks of lockdown.
All I could really think about was my upcoming birthday (I know, I’m a 47 year old child!).
Anyway, the birthday is done and dusted, and now there’s just emptiness and a void!
This must be what you’ve all been going through all this time! I now feel your pain. ;)
Thankfully I have had plenty to keep me occupied this week.
I had a couple of Zoom meetings with Bowel & Cancer Research which were great. We’re working on some interesting projects, so that keeps my brain a little more occupied.
I had a great focus group Zoom meeting on Tuesday, it’s great to get involved with really fast paced research. Plus it makes me feel like I’m helping in some small way as I have done very little in the corona effort.
Dress from Zara, Shoes from LK Bennet.
This is a great dress for hiding in. I have been enjoying my lockdown baking but I really think I need to stop now. I bake a cake, we eat the cake. Just the two of us with no one to share it with and we are in danger of becoming so obese they’re going to have to take the windows out to get us out of here. Hahahahaha
I have bowed out on a high though, look at this little beauty. Fresh, double cream, Victoria Sandwich. My mouth is watering just looking at the photo.
Then Friday I had our regular Patient & Public Involvement group session with Bowel & Cancer Research…although, Chris and I were meant to be at Chelsea Flower Show, before the dreaded C word turned up (and for once I don’t mean that C word!)
I bought this dress in Jigsaw in February way before the world imploded.
It cost a fortune, but I specifically wanted a dress with orange in it as I have a pair of Jimmy Choo wedges that are a tad tricky to coordinate with anything.
So I paid over the odds to get what I wanted (I’m sure I could have got a similar quality dress from Tesco for £120 cheaper, and I would have if they had any, you know me, I do love a bargain).
I thought I’d get a lot of wear out of it...then 2020 revealed itself! Hahahahaha
I planned to wear it for Chelsea Flower Show and then again to the Cartier Polo in June, with said orange wedges (for grass events I prefer a wedge). Then after that I guess I would have relegated it to day clothes, I think it would be cute worn with white trainers.
Instead of all that, I wore it to the kitchen for a Zoom call.
Dress from Jigsaw, Shoes from Jimmy Choo, Bag from Chloe.
This would have been the look for the polo, but what actually happened in the dress was a Zoom call and then pretty much this…
For the days that I’ve got nothing to do I’m not really too bothered about making an effort.
I have spent quite a considerable amount of time in the new summer pjs Michelle bought me.
They are soooo comfy, they wash and dry well so why wear anything else?
Probably in reality it’s less this…and more this…
I’ve done a considerable amount of just sitting during lockdown. I wish I could say I’ve adopted a new, healthier regime but sadly with my bladder playing up I’ve not been able to do much.
Still no idea what’s wrong with it. I have a feeling it’s to do with constipation. I have noticed that output has dropped, yet input has remained at an all time high. ;)
I’ve kept myself busy as best I can with baking (obviously) and gardening (unfortunately). I’m not one of life’s natural gardeners. I’m ploughing on, delighted by the results, but it’s keeping me settled, rather than euphoric.
We are so summer ready this year, never been more summer ready…ready for no one to be able to see it! The irony is not lost on me.
Get ready to be bombarded with garden pics.
Saturday Chris and I tentatively braved the outside world, OK, so it was in a very controlled way.
We went to my work (although, that said I very rarely work in store even without a pandemic), I work for Neptune in Colchester from my home. So for me going to the store has always been a treat. If I’m actually in the store I will be most of the time shopping rather than working.
If you’ve ever been in a Neptune store you will totally understand where I’m coming from, it’s my happy place.
The store has been closed for 7 weeks but it’s now allowed to open by appointment (for now), anti bac hand gel greets you by the front door, and all hard surfaces are regularly wiped down with antibacterial spray. We felt perfectly safe. It felt so good to be back in there, it feels and smells like home, mainly because my home is 95% kitted out from there. Hahahahaha.
We wore face masks to potentially protect the staff from us. Masks are the right thing to do, they say I love my fellow man.
I decided to get a bit dolled up, seeing as this was the biggest trip out in 2 months, it felt like a special occasion.
I loved being in there. I look forward to going back again soon too.
Top from Ralph Lauren, Jeans from New Look, Shoes from Fendi
....And then we come to Sunday. It’s been an absolute whirlwind. I was invited to be part of a charity fundraising Facebook webinar for all things bowels by my absolute favourite dietician Sophie Medlin (aka @sophiedietician) and her co organiser Mesha (aka @mrcolitiscrohns).
Have a look at @storiesfromtheinsides on Instagram and Facebook if you didn’t get a chance to catch any of it over the weekend.
It was So good and I believe they hit their fundraising target which is fantastic!
I’m still at this point stunned to have been asked, but so proud and honoured. I am so grateful for the opportunity.
I was more than a little surprised (and a tad star struck) that I was sharing a platform with Sarah Russell, the author of the book, ‘The Bowel cancer recovery tool kit’, which I recommended last year on here.
I had been so excited about it for weeks. Nervous like you wouldn’t believe but really really excited.
Obviously if you’re on a webinar where they can only see your head you want to get totally dolled up! Hahahahaha
Dress from M&S, Shoes from Manolo Blahnik
The whole weekend was a collection of people who are highly respected and prominent in the bowel and stoma world (hence my shock at being invited to be involved, I am a tiny little fish).
I dipped in and out all weekend and was fascinated by the many different ways people end up at the stoma junction.
Hearing people’s stories, is very reassuring.
There is a commonality, even if the journey to a stoma has been different.
I’ve never looked to support groups (I’m a lone wolf, hahahahaha), but I could see why people get so much from them.
Then it came to my bit. I could feel my heart literally trying to burst out of my chest. Nervous nowhere near covers it.
I spoke my truth, from the heart, that’s the one thing about me I like. I will tell it how it is, I don’t hide from the reality of stoma owning, even if I’m the happiest ostomist around. :)
I’m not ashamed to say that pre bag I was horrified and traumatised by the thought of having to have it done.
I could not feel more differently about it now. In fact as soon as I came round from the operation I felt at peace with it.
That peace has led me to have the best 10 years a person could ever hope for. I have loved every minute. Does that mean it hasn’t had its disasters and downsides? Absolutely not, I wanted to curl up and die in Harvey Nic’s when my bag leaked in the Jimmy Choo shoe department. Did I run away and sob? Yes, a little pity party was held by me, for me...BUT then I went back to my car (yes, I change my bag in my car, I prefer it to public toilets to be honest, that is a bonus of a colostomy, I have solid output) changed my bag...turned round and went straight back to Harvey Nic’s and bought the shoes.
Nothing keeps this gal and her shoes separated for long.
There have been times were I want the world to swallow me whole, with the unannounced fart noises at inopportune times, the leaks, the bowel pain with trapped wind and constipation.
But let’s face it, life wasn’t a bed of roses pre diagnosis.
I had leaks pre bag (or as it’s referred to from a bottom), I s*** myself on many occasion. How is that preferable to having a bag? It isn’t! Simple as that. My bag has opened up the world to me.
A world I was too scared to play in before my diagnosis.
I was symptomatic for 7-10 years. In that time, one little iddy biddy, unchecked, undiscovered polyp became a rather sizeable tumour.
I now don’t live in the fear of accidents or the excruciating pain I was in back then, I have a fantastic life, full of wonderful experiences (although my bladder is being a pest at the moment so I need to get that seen to).
In general you don’t end up with a colostomy for no reason, it serves a purpose. Mine was to keep me alive after cancer tried to interrupt that.
I’m very lucky that my brain reset as soon as I saw my stoma.
Some people take a long time to come to terms with it, some never do. I can understand and empathise, even if I don’t feel that way myself. I understand why you could struggle.
I can’t give the magic answer for how to feel at peace with a stoma. For me it just happened. I’m not clever or talented. My brain did it for me. Bit of luck really as I’m naturally very lazy and would have hated to put the hard work in. ;)
I do know that I am a great believer in gratitude, maybe that helps.
I really hope you’re all keeping safe.
Thank you again to Sophie & Mesha for the invite. xx
Not to get too political, it’s way above my pay grade, but if I could perhaps offer our government some advice for free (and I won’t even pop to Durham with coronavirus)…I am a self confessed shopaholic, but I would much rather see my parents, my children and more than anything my darling little grandson before I even contemplate popping in to Next to see this seasons offerings.
Clothes can wait. Family can’t. Get your priorities straight.
The End xx