Hello Christmas — Gladrags & Bags

I am a walking ball of anxiety presently. So that’s super fun. I’m fine, don’t worry about me at all, I’m not fishing for sympathy, I’m absolutely fine, mainly because I’m used to this feeling, this time of year. I’m just mentioning it, because if you’re feeling it too, just know you are not alone.

Mine is ridiculous, mine is caused by Christmas. Yes! The happiest time of the year and I’m walking round with a very disturbing sensation of an actual solid lump in my throat, and a feeling of impending doom.

It happens every year, it has done since I was a teenager, I have no idea why fully, I have some ideas, but nothing definitive.

I love Christmas, I love decorations and the festive spirit. All while screaming inside my head “germs!! Germs, germs!!”

And there you have it, that’s the bit that makes me feel uneasy. I have a emetophobia, and general germ anxiety/phobia.

This extreme feeling happens at Christmas, or in the build up to a big event or holiday. I become consumed with fear.

To the point where often I can only see people as walking germ carriers, not humans anymore. A bit like in a cartoon where they see things as a rotisserie chicken in a little thought bubble.

We’ve had a fair few ruined Christmases over the years, from the normal incidents, the ones where the boys had chicken pox, stomach bugs, where we all had flu (that one was a write off that year), but added to that we’ve had the cancer years. So I get why I’m like it.

There’s a lot of pressure for Christmas to be perfect and magical, and I know that sometimes things can happen which can derail it.

Pretty much, for me anyway, illness is the only thing that could ruin it fully. Everything else is rectifiable, or salvageable.

I was already anxious about the Christmas build up as a teenager. I panic about people getting home safely.

When I was 18, I was working as a Nanny. I was coming home from work late one night, a day or two before Christmas, when a girl got off the bus, and crossed the road. Not sure who was at fault, maybe she didn’t check, maybe he shouldn’t have pulled out, but a car overtook the parked bus at that exact time, and hit her.

I was trained in first aid from a young age via the Red Cross. So I got off the bus and performed first aid on her. I knew she had at the very least a fractured skull and leg. I dealt with her until the ambulance arrived. I have no idea how she got on after that. I often think about her. I picture her lying there in the rain, in the dark, just the headlights of the cars lighting the scene, straw coloured fluid coming from her ears and nose, leg twisted unpleasantly out of place. I was very calm in the moment, mainly because that’s what she needed the most, some reassurance and kindness. So maybe it’s just a residual reaction to that experience that makes me panic about everyone being home safe.

But probably most of all it’s because I’m a control freak with a need for perfection, even though I’m almost entirely devoid of the ability to do anything to perfection. As you can imagine, it’s a loosing battle to start with. Makes for a great headspace though that’s for sure. Hahaha

I am fine, I am absolutely fine, I appreciate I’m very lucky to have a fabulous life, with wonderful friends and family. I am incredibly aware how blessed we are.

I know this ‘off’ feeling will pass. It always does. I just wish it didn’t happen to start with. But I’m kind enough to myself to recognise what is happening, and that it’s okay.

So as I type this I am in full hibernation mode. Don’t ask me to leave the comfort of my bubble, because it’ll be awkward when I very bluntly say no thanks, and I definitely will. Hahaha

My final weekend of doing anything was last weekend, and it was wonderful.

I do all my Christmas fun in the last couple of weeks in November, until mid December. And after that, I’ll see you from January onwards.

It’s okay to set boundaries you are comfortable with, and stick with them.

Life’s too short to be doing things that don’t bring you joy.

So what have I been up to? And what have I been wearing?

A mixed bag actually, it’s dreadfully dreary, drab, damp weather here right now. I don’t think weather like that is ever going to inspire anyone to feel good.

I’ve been dressed cosy for the most part. Because the weather is so utterly murky.

My stoma has been behaving incredibly well for a while, which seems odd, especially when I’m suffering from physical manifestations of anxiety in my throat. I’d have thought my stoma output would go haywire. I count my blessings where I can though. So yay for a well functioning bowel. :)

If you are likely to have some stoma issues, contact your stoma nurse or supplier. They may well have some ideas for you to try.

Top from Micheal Kors, Cardigan from The White Company, Jeans from M&S, Boots from Tods.

Something that does lift my spirits a bit is the outside decorations. I’ve had lots of little visitors come play in the snow machine snow. Which has been super cute.

I was feeling bold in October, so I invited a few friends from the Food bank over for the beginning of December (Of course by the beginning of December I’m a completely different person). 🫣😬

There was a big Christmas lunch for all the Foodbank staff, but I find that sort of thing too overwhelming. So I invited a few people over for soup and a roll. Much more enjoyable and manageable.

I can’t cook, but my soup is edible. And I laid a nice table.

Top from The White Company, Trousers from Micheal Kors, Shoes from Fendi

My food sucks, but I feel the welcome you feel from the table scaping makes up for it…I hope. ;)

It was really nice. So actually it was a good idea after all.

We had a wonderful day out in London, early December. Lunch with friends at Hide in Mayfair. The food was okay, the virgin cocktails were an absolute sensation, I would definitely recommend.

Top and Trousers from M&S, Boots and Bag from Dior.

They do amazing virgin cocktails, I’d recommend their take on a Bloody Mary, plus they had a great selection of alcohol free beers and sparkling wine alternatives. Which is such a refreshing treat.

I very much appreciate when a restaurant brings you a little stool for your bag, you don’t get that in the Toby Carvery. :)

We had a great time, a lovely catch up with some of our favourites. Then after lunch Chris and I headed off to a treat Chris booked for my Christmas present.

I really enjoy Kathy Burkes podcast “Where there’s a will, there’s a wake”

It’s a really entertaining show about death. Yeah, you read that correctly.

But us humans are strange creatures, and we don’t talk about death enough. Or rather we don’t talk about the specifics that we’d want for our funerals enough.

So when the time comes, it’s difficult to know what to do, what the person really wanted. Which exacerbates the distress of those left behind.

Make a few notes about it while you’re alive and in good spirits. It will really help family members at such a difficult time.

Anyway, this was a live recording of her podcast.

It was really very enjoyable. Even though I despise being in close confines with large groups of people.

I did well, I stayed for the first half. But I had to make a run for it at the interval, because there was so much coughing and sneezing, and the four people next to us wouldn’t shut up the whole way through.

So I had a mixture of germ anxiety and nigh of homicidal feelings towards the ignorant twats chatting away!

It was a very good episode, definitely worth a listen if you’ve not already.

We’ve had a few more nights out with friends for pre Christmas catch ups.

Dress from TK Maxx, Boots from Holland Cooper, Bag from Dior.

My early December is busy with seeing people. Because I’m done, and hiding at home 10 days before the big day.

In that sense I really enjoyed lockdowns, because everyone had to do it too. And I didn’t feel like the odd one out. Hahahah

Top from N.Peal, Trousers from Micheal Kors, Shoes from Jimmy Choo.

And then last weekend we had Christmas, not actual Christmas, not fake Christmas as we had coined it. But our family Christmas.

Because it’s the first year both my sons will be somewhere else for the actual day.

My son and daughter in law, with our grandson Zak, will be in Hampshire.

My youngest son, who has never been anywhere but ours at Christmas before is going to his in-laws in Liverpool.

And my mum and dad were flying to Malta for Christmas and new year.

So this was, to all intents and purposes, Christmas.

It was wonderful, it was exactly what Christmas should be. Family, love, gifts and fun. We’re not religious, so it can be any day of the year if the core elements are there.

I didn’t have to lift a finger because Erin and Sam cooked the full Christmas meal.

I managed to accidentally slip on some spilt fat and landed ungraciously full force, head first into the dishwasher. It must have been quite the sight!!

It was hilarious! I am a big fan of the comedy fall, even if it’s me doing the falling. This one was particularly spectacular!

My legs and hands were throbbing, so I was excused from having to help in the slightest (almost worth the discomfort to be honest).

The boys were very disappointed the whole incident was out of shot of the CCTV cameras. Hahahaha.

I dressed for the occasion…this was pre dishwasher fall.

Top and trousers from the Sienna Miller collection at M&S, Shoes from Mulberry.

I had set a beautiful table scape, my contribution to the day.

I left the cooking in the capable hands of others, with Ben and Zak helping peel the potatoes and Sprouts.

While I sat out of the way nursing my throbbing legs. Hahahah. Thankfully Milly was on hand to serve drinks.

My advice for a good Christmas Day; fall over and let everyone else do it 🥰🤩

Zak has a tradition of handing out the gifts whilst sitting in the sleigh I bought a few years ago.

And then we all go and visit the Christmas lights up the road.

It’s a simple Christmas, but I love it.

And Zak very luckily has his own snow machine at Nana and Pop’s house, so it’s always a white Christmas here.

It was so nice to have everyone together before heading off to do their own things.

I have to be honest though, I cried my eyes out when they all left, and the house was empty.

My heart was full of happiness and fond memories, but it was over far too soon.

Top from Hollister, Jeans from M&S.

So it was an evening on the settee with these little boys.

They really are doing wonders to lift my spirits. It’s worked out far better than I expected. Even if Gus does get a bit beaky and nibbles a little bit too hard.

They are fabulous company. Absolute clowns, and very entertaining. 10/10 would recommend. :)

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I posted this on my socials on Tuesday. I wanted to give it a full year before I could say what I wanted about our journey.

I needed to make sure the changes I’d made were consistent, and rigorous enough to stick, and they have been.

There was no point for me personally to go down any fad weight loss route, because I wouldn’t stick to it, and I don’t like feeling ill, so it was a huge no from me on that one.

I admire anyone who is prepared to feel like death warmed up in pursuit of their goals, you have my absolute respect and admiration.

I needed a slow and steady, long term achievable process. One that I could do forever with no negative side effects.

And I found that with Annabelle;

On the 17th December last year I decided to change a few things in my life, with the help of Annabelle I set out to have a better relationship with food.

I have been in a cycle of disordered eating for most of my life. I am a binger and starver. And I really wanted to be able to be free of it.

It was never about my body - before & after, I see no point in making comparisons of myself with myself, or anyone else.

It wasn’t about that for me. I was perfectly happy and body confident to start with! The amount of bikinis you’ve seen me in proves that.

It was more about being unhappy with how I saw food and the choices I made.

I explained my situation to Annabelle and she was able to guide me through my issues, and helped me start making better choices.

My main focus wasn’t weight loss particularly, it was mainly to break the cycle of what I had been doing to that point. Weight loss occurred because I managed to get out of bad habits.

Also, I had extreme paranoia about getting type 2 diabetes, no idea why, I wasn’t even close to it, but it was a fixation.

It’s been a year now, yes, I’ve lost weight, but also I exercise more, well, I move more. I’m more of a walker than a gym bunny.

I haven’t starved myself or binged. I’ve eaten whole healthy foods. And on the days I’m not feeling so happy in the world I turn to fruit, not cake and biscuits for comfort (Strawberries are a godsend).

Chris noticed the difference in my appearance very quickly, and decided to hop on board and join me. He’s lost 2 and a half stone. He feels better in himself too.

We eat homemade, wholemeal, wholesome foods. Fibre, and protein, are two important things for a healthier body. (I obsess about fibre like fitness influencers obsess about protein. Fibre could possibly save your life, so I’m all in!).

We stopped all ultra processed foods, we choose more wisely. The biggest revelation I found was that once you stop eating crap food, you stop craving it. I honestly thought it’d be the other way round.

Being happy on the inside is the most important thing in life, being healthier certainly helps with that.

Huge thank you to @the.mindful.diet.coach for steering me through the first 3 months ~ after that I was able to fly solo. I would definitely recommend;

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Knowing we would be Ben free for the first time ever this Christmas, Chris booked us something absolutely magical to do. I’m very very excited about it and looking forward to it very much.

To the point I’m sure we’ll be thinking “Ben who?”

….I’m kidding, I’m kidding, I will miss him of course. We’ve been blessed to have him with us for 26 years, and that’s been wonderful, I’m aware of how lucky we are. I feel it every single day.

But our children should most definitely grow up and live independent lives.

So I fully support him spending Christmas with his girlfriend and his in laws. They are going to alternate where they spend Christmas. So we have something to look forward to next year.

Even though it’s sad for us this time round. I’m happy for both my boys that they will be with the women they love, enjoying the festivities. You can’t ask for more than that as a parent.

Plus my parents will be enjoying themselves somewhere warm. Everyone’s a winner. 🥰🎄

Wishing you all a very merry Christmas. I hope it’s filled with love and joy. Xx

I’ve shut down now, so until the big day I will be here with these two…