Last week feels like it passed in a blur as life often does.
Once I got a chance to sit back and think about writing this blog, I realised just how much I’m able to do now.
Of course, some of that is down to having a stoma. If I was suffering from the bowel issues I had pre cancer diagnosis I wouldn’t get to do any of this stuff.
So I’m always grateful that having a stoma has given me the chance to not only live…but really live!!
I can’t feel sadness for having a stoma. It’s just not something I have ever felt post op. I have only ever felt this kind of high from surviving. BUT, I completely and utterly understand why someone might feel differently about it to me.
Being happy and at peace with a stoma is not something that can be stated as fact for everyone. Everyone on the planet feels differently to everyone else, not just about stoma owning, but every experience we have will be felt differently by different people.
And that’s okay. There is no one size that fits all. There is no template we all have to use and follow.
It’s okay to feel upset (I’m not saying it’s good to be upset) I just mean everyone is entitled to feel what they feel, without being judged.
Life can be really bloody hard sometimes, like trying to walk through waist deep tar. So we all need to focus on our own happiness, and remember to let others do the same.
If you are struggling with your stoma, please don’t hesitate to reach out to someone, me if you want, and get it all off your chest. It’s okay to want to vent. I get it.
It’s also good to remember not every stoma is the same, even if you have it for the same reason as someone else. They’re all so different. They look different, they behave differently. No two humans are the same, and no two stomas are either.
I love my life, with my stoma, because it’s very well behaved and easy. So it stands to reason I will feel positively about it.
I can’t tell you how to feel, and I do totally understand if it’s not the same as I do. xx
*****
The other reason I’m able to get out and about and enjoy myself at the moment is because of the new HRT regime I’m on;
Evorel 100 patches
Mirena coil
Intrarosa pessary
And Testosterone
This combo has had a remarkable impact on my life and body.
I’ve had a lot of people say to me that they’ve noticed a difference in me.
Also they have noticed I’ve lost some weight. This isn’t something I’m going to discuss in great detail, because I think someone’s weight is the least important or interesting thing about them.
The drugs I’m on don’t themselves cause weight loss, but they have increased my enthusiasm to do life.
So I’m more active, more productive, more focused.
I do get out and exercise more than I used to (not at a gym…it’s not a miracle worker…but I walk more than I did. I just generally do more than I did).
For the 12 years after I lost my reproductive organs to cancer, I was on a very basic HRT. I felt like a damp, limp lettuce. I had no energy, no oomph, and definitely no libido.
So last year I decided I wanted more. More of what I couldn’t really verbalise. But I knew there must be something more than what I was feeling.
I was also suffering from recurring UTIs.
I had a lot of damage done to all my lower internal organs during treatment for colon cancer.
If you think about how close together a female’s bowels, urethra and vagina/womb are it’s no surprise that if you radiotherapy and then operate on one, the others would suffer too.
Through the lockdowns in 2020, I was plagued with UTIs. I swear to God I only had to think about it and I’d get one.
I spoke to my GP, who prescribed antibiotics for the infections multiple times. I then went to my private GP to discuss this further, and they put me on Vagifem pessary to help with, hopefully, preventing further infection.
*Vagifem pessaries are a type of Hormone Replacement Therapy tablets used to treat vaginal dryness and irritation associated with menopause. These small tablets are applied directly inside your vagina using a convenient, plastic applicator, giving localised relief from some menopausal symptoms*
I tried them for a about 8 months, with no success. The UTIs were just as bad.
I was beginning to think I was just broken, a washed up old lady who would just have to put up with it.
It was only when I posted a message with words to that effect on Dr. Louise Newson’s menopause Instagram page. A lovely lady in America replied to me.
She said she had felt the same defeated feelings whilst using Vagifem. She had friends who were using it with great success, but it was doing nothing to abate her symptoms. She then said she had started using Intrarosa and it was so much better!
Intrarosa is different to Vagifem, It has different properties.
I took a note of the name of it, and booked an appointment with my private GP (you just get that bit longer to explain everything there).
She had never heard of Intrarosa, so she Googled it there and then while I sat there, she read the info, and happily prescribed it.
I can confirm what the lady from America told me - It is life changing!
I’ve only had one uti in 8 months. Compared to previous years - it was about 6 or 7 in that time frame.
*And the one incidence I had was when we were away skiing in January, and altitude can affect bladders apparently. Who knew? So it may not have been a UTI, it might have just been aggravated up the mountain.
So that’s the pessary sorted, it’s done an amazing job. I’d definitely recommend suggesting it to your GP.
I have the Mirena coil because I was suffering from very heavy, continuous bleeding for 4 months. It was incredibly debilitating, and not to be too gory, messy too!!
My ovaries were removed in my original bowel cancer surgery. They were intending on taking my womb out too, but pain in the arse that I am I started to haemorrhage, and they had to get that stopped to save my life. So I am alive still, but inconvenienced with having a broken womb. I think we can agree it’s a small price to pay for being alive. :)
I also have oestrogen patches - Evorel 100.
I got to a point in my climbing back to myself endeavour where I was on the patches, the coil, the pessaries, they were all doing their jobs well, but still I didn’t feel quite right. Something was lacking.
Better is great, but it’s not good enough if you still feel washed out and lost, inferior even.
So I went back to my gynaecologist and explained that although I felt better, and that he’d stopped the horrific blood loss I was suffering from (he did a womb ablation last March, it worked a treat), I still felt like a damp squib.
He then suggested I try testosterone…And hello world!! Here I am!!
It’s nothing short of miraculous! Life changing!
Whole life!! All life! In every aspect!!
I feel fantastic! I feel empowered, emboldened. I feel amazing!!
Obviously the benefits of feeling horny as hell are worth it just for that. But it’s not just that, I’m sharper, more engaged, more energised, my concentration and problem solving abilities are off the chart…I’m also reverse parking more these days so that’s fun too! ;) hahaha
I feel sharp, on fire, I can do anything!
For example, and this is just something that happened within the last week, I was at the food bank. There were two hard plastic boxes stuck together, wedged solid. Multiple people had tried to separate them with no success…I gave it a go, and failed, I then put them down, went out to my car got some heavy duty metal thingy (a tyre iron maybe), went back inside walloped the boxes and instantly got them apart. Problem solved! And it’s that sort of thing I’m noticing more and more.
The sharpness, the problem solving. The ability to get through the day without wanting to curl up into a ball and cry because I feel so wretched.
The fog has cleared and I feel reborn and rebooted!
I have no idea why UK doctors are reluctant to prescribe it, maybe it’s a government policy, that they are scared that with every woman at full power the world would implode. ;)
I do know that losing my ovaries aged 36, I really should have been given it way before last year. Where I had got to the point of being on my knees with exhaustion and fatigue and general lost-ness.
Menopause will affect 50% of the population directly, and equally the same number indirectly.
We all benefit from a woman being given the right treatment for menopause.
It’s not just about periods stopping and being grumpy. It’s about the entire being.
*not all women suffer through menopause. Some sail through. And that’s fantastic! I love that. But for those who don’t, the help needs to be appropriate and effective.
It took me 13 years to get to this stage, and that’s as someone who had a surgical menopause. It happened slowly, day after day, week after week through radiation therapy as my womb and ovaries were blasted and destroyed. And then immediately, due to the follow up surgery to remove the ovaries.
So it should have been as simple as “this is what you’ll be lacking now, and this is what you need to counteract it”.
It should not have been me putting up with symptoms I had no idea were connected to menopause for 12 years, then finally snapping and saying I want more from my life!!
A year on from starting the new regime of patches, coil, testosterone, and then 8 months on from starting Intrarosa;
I am very happy, very very…And I think Chris might be a bit pleased too. ;)
If a picture paints a thousand words these photos are saying plenty. :)
She’s back!!
*******
So, on to last week.
Chris and I headed up to London on Thursday night to pick something up that we had ordered.
So it seemed a perfect time to stop for a curry after at Madhus Brassiere in Harvey Nics.
Yes! On a school night too!
Coat from Boss, Scarf from Ferragamo, Jeans from Tesco, Shoes from Tods, new bag from Christian Dior. I have wanted a saddle bag for years and years, and Chris very kindly bought me one last week.
My friend suggested that I seemed to be doing the whole 50 for 50 thing in presents, rather than experiences. Which I think we both know suits me better than climbing mountains and abseiling buildings, that some choose to do to commemorate big birthdays.
One of my friends wanted to achieve 30 things before 30. Thirty for thirty! She was up and down mountains etc etc. I’m sure she enjoyed it, but I’d have preferred a slice of cake and a hot chocolate in the visitors centres at all her destinations. ;)
I have said to Chris that this is the final bag for my collection (it was obviously utter bull****, but I felt I should probably have the decency and pretend). ;)
I love Christian Dior because it is the epitome of elegance, but also it’s Chris’s initials.
******
What do I love more? Chris or curry?…
……..
…let’s play it safe and go with Chris. :)
The curry at Madhus is amazing.
Chutney Mary or any of the Madhus restaurants are all worth a visit.
I have seen another one advertised on Insta that I want to try. So I will report back once I’ve been.
We had a lovely evening. we ate too much and came home stuffed to the brim.
Then, Friday morning I had to go to get my dodgy moles removed.
It unfortunately happens to be the same hospital I was diagnosed with cancer in, so it’s such a hard place to be, for both of us.
But my mole surgeon (well, he’s a plastic surgeon, but he was just dealing with my moles) seems pretty confident that these ones are still ok. The reason he took them off is because they have potential to cause problems. But hopefully he got there in time.
Dress from H&M, Boots from Jimmy Choo.
Yeah, I got dolled up to have minor surgery! Hahahaha, it’s a day out if nothing else! :)
“Oh where were your moles?”
Nowhere normal!!!
Well, one was on my thigh, so that’s pretty normal. But the other one was in between my little toe and the next one in.
Oh come on now! Who has moles there! That’s ridiculous.
When I showed the GP, she was so exasperated. ‘For goodness sake Suzanne, stop being pesky!’ Hahahah
She did say that feet are quite common for problematic moles, because most of us forget to sunscreen there. Although in fairness, there’s no way sun damage got in between my toes.
And apparently soles of the feet can be a problem too as no one ever thinks to protect them and they are face up, when we are face down.
I just assumed he’d pop them out with a hole punch thing like I had before on a mole on my head. But he cut them both out and stitched them shut. I have stitches in between my toes!!! And on my thigh too.
So the best thing to do after is put your feet up…
Which I did straight after.
But Saturday was a very exciting day!
We had arranged to go clay pigeon shooting with our friends. Chris won a raffle prize last year of a £500 voucher at a charity event. It was for clay pigeon shooting for up to the value of £500, which we had intended to use on just us two and go up there a few times over the course of the year to use it up.
But we ran out of time, so we decided to invite some of our friends for a one day excursion, and use it up in one go.
A slight problem was I wasn’t allowed to get either wound site wet, and I can’t cope with just a flannel wash, it makes me retch at the thought of it.
So instead I got Chris to help me tape bags to my thigh and foot, then help me get into the dry bath, lay down, with my legs out of the bath, in the air, whilst he hosed me down like a sea lion at the zoo!
I even managed to wash my hair thank you very much CD.
Artist impression. Apologies for the graphic nature and nude content! :)
Once I was washed and dressed we headed up to Suffolk to meet the others.
Jacket and Jumper from Holland Cooper, jeans from Tesco, Boots from Penelope Chilvers.
I was looking at these photos on the way to the shooting. I saw how bulgy my belly was. And I think for the first time in my life I wasn’t disappointed or appalled. I was accepting of what I saw.
I have nearly 50 years of life in that belly, 2 beautiful children, abdominal surgery, a colostomy, two hernias and a lot of cake and curry.
It’s okay that it bulges. Honestly, yes, I’d prefer it if didn’t, but the fact that it does isn’t a sin. It’s just life.
How lucky to have that. :)
We had a blast! Pun most definitely intended! :)
I really enjoy clay pigeon shooting, I don’t shoot living things. I’m pretty much vegetarian, so that would be weird.
Guns here are strictly controlled. Which is fair enough. It’s nice to be able to go for a lesson and enjoy it in the moment.
Am I any good at it? Good God no!! Absolutely dreadful. I think I hit maybe 4 or 5 out of 25 over the entire day. My joy is not dependent on hitting the target, it’s from firing the gun.
I close the wrong eye all the time, which is a bit annoying. :)
It was the first time shooting for most of our gun gang on Saturday. But I don’t think it’ll be the last, as everyone loved it! Bang bang gang. :)
We had a few quid left on our voucher so the gun club put on a lunch for us. It was such a fantastic day, and one we were so happy to share with our friends.
…and this is why bulging bellies are an irrelevance…
We just need to remember that daily. :)
Or rather….
Love love love love!
Sunday was really lovely. Chris had organised the whole family to meet at Bicester Village for breakfast, shopping, lunch and shopping ~ his treat.
So me, Chris, Ben, Milly, Sam and Zak had a great day! Everyone got some new bits and bobs, and if nothing else we had amazing food.
I would definitely recommend the new Ciccone’s there.
Although the surgeon said my toe would be incredibly painful, and that I’d need to avoid walking on it for a while, it wasn’t actually that bad.
Saturday it was sore, and I was hobbling a bit. But Sunday it was just like I had a mild blister, that sort of sensation, nothing awful, like he suggested. And yesterday (Monday), I put high heeled boots on, forgetting that I’d had anything done at all.
It was a bit sore when I got home and remembered it has stitches in it. But again, perfectly fine, nothing dreadful at all.
When the surgeon said to me that it would be very painful I did laugh a little and say “I think I’ll be okay, I had an AP Resection and oophorectomy, and I refused the morphine after”.
He looked at me and said “oh, right, yes, you’ll absolutely be fine then” hahaha
Life experiences shape us and help us, whether we want them to or not. :)
Keep well, take care, much love xx