It was World Cancer Day on Saturday.
Which is such a weird day for me, and many other people too I don’t doubt.
What is it a day for?
Do those who have cancer reflect? More than they already are?
Do those who have lost loved ones mourn the loss more than they do any other day?
Do those that have survived celebrate?
Do those who think they might have cancer make the appointment to get tested?
What is it?
For me, I feel a combination of guilt and gratitude about surviving.
Guilt because there are far nicer people than me that didn’t get that outcome.
But at the same time I’m so glad I did get to stay here, and then a spiral of guilt because I’m glad I got lucky.
It’s definitely a poignant day - it’s a day to be so thankful that I survived, that Sam survived, and my dad survived.
(I never fail to feel grateful. How could I? I’m really very lucky. I have very few bad days.
Bad things can happen throughout the week, I can acknowledge the bad stuff, without dwelling on it. I tend to focus on the good and positive things.
Coming close to death, but being alive still, means that I wholly understand the only thing in life that really matters is just that, being alive. There is nothing else to fret about. For me there are no bad days, just bad moments. Keep going, keep rolling with the punches, put a smile on your face and carry on).
So WCD is such a weird day. But hopefully some good comes out of it each year. Hopefully people sharing their stories will jolt someone into getting checked out and tested if needed.
**********
Some people think it’s weird that I consider myself to be very lucky.
And I appreciate some people will think “how are you lucky, you ended up with a colostomy?”
To some, stomas are a fate worse than death. To some they are the worst case scenario.
And that is a mindset I can’t personally comprehend.
Death is the only worst case scenario.
A stoma is way short of that.
In all honesty I absolutely love mine. Again, some might find that weird (and for someone struggling to come to terms with a stoma they might find it offensive even).
But I think I got lucky to start with. I don’t mean I got lucky to get cancer (shit happens - literally), but having been misdiagnosed for so long I’m so incredibly thankful and lucky to still be here.
Do you know how ridiculously lucky that is?
The younger you are diagnosed the more likely it is that the cancer will be aggressive.
I was misdiagnosed for at least 7 years, if not 10. That one little polyp was left unchecked for all that time, until it grew up to be a large tumour. But still luck was on my side as it was a slow growing, less aggressive, older person type of cancer.
That’s crazy good fortune.
The other lucky thing was my tumour was high in the rectum. Which meant I had to have an AP Resection
*What Is a Laparoscopic Abdominoperineal Resection? It's an operation in which a surgeon removes your anus, rectum, and sigmoid colon and some large intestine, through small cuts in your belly. A colostomy bag is then needed*
Why do I consider this lucky?
Well, my colostomy surgery was always going to be a permanent solution. There was never going to be a possibility of a reversal.
And I truly believe this saved me so much negative headspace, being overwrought with feelings of despair and sadness and desperation to return to the original plumbing.
To be back to “normal”….what does that even mean anyway?! Normal just sounds so utterly dull. ;)
I cut all that internal struggle and dialogue out instantly.
This is forever.
Okay, I can do that.
Well, I’ve simplified it, and skipped a tad here.
I did not feel okay Pre op. I felt the furthest from mentally okay you could possibly get. But once I came round from the operation, all I felt was an overwhelming sense of relief and joy.
“Ohhhh, right, is that it? Oh Christ yeah, I can do that no problem”
And that’s how it’s been ever since.
So I do find it interesting, amusing even, that people think I’m the one that got ‘unlucky’.
I really love my stoma. My feelings are extreme. I understand why people think I’m weird, and that some people with a stoma don’t like theirs. I get it, I really do, but I don’t feel the same way.
I have no problem with people who are struggling with theirs thinking I’m a weirdo for loving mine.
I feel sad that they haven’t gotten used to it, or haven’t found peace with it, but I totally get it. It’s a big adjustment and some stomas are much trickier than others. Mine is just very well behaved. It’s the model stoma.
What I will not accept is criticism or negative comments from people who don’t have a stoma. Those people…well, those people can just **** right off.
My life is better with a stoma than it was without one.
I was extremely symptomatic during the misdiagnosed years. My life and world became very small. It was half a life really. One controlled by being near toilets.
So now I get to eat what I like and do what I like.
If nothing else, I’m 50% down on my use of toilets now, just think of all that money I’m saving on toilet paper! :)
Let’s also compare and contrast…
Pre diagnosis, but fully symptomatic I flew 0 times in 8 years.
Last year I flew 22 times.
And so far this year I have flown twice.
I kind of judge the quality of my life, and how I’m feeling on the amount of flights, holidays and general gadding about and having fun I get to do.
I’d say I’m living the dream. And not in-spite or despite my colostomy ~ but because of it.
For those struggling with a stoma I wish you peace. And if you don’t or can’t love it, then at the very least I wish you neutrality towards it.
*******
We had a relatively quiet weekend. Last week was manic, so it was nice to have a chilled one.
Ben invited me to see the Cezanne exhibition at the Tate Modern. And we combined that with a late lunch with friends.
It just made sense seeing as Tanya had booked for us to meet for lunch last week, and then had to work, so she missed out.
I booked us into Arros QD again. When something is that good why risk going anywhere else?
I got up Saturday morning, after a lovely lie in. I got showered and hair washed and ready to get dressed.
It was at this point I realised that I may well have overdone the 100% pure pressed cherry juice.
I heard it was really good for reducing inflammation…so I did a me and drank nearly a litre in 2 days.
It may well reduce inflammation, but it also unblocks everything in its path. Which meant that my bowels were retracting after being so brutally overused.
I felt a little off by Saturday. A little other worldly.
The main symptom of this was the fact that I couldn’t bear clothes on me.
I tried 6 outfits, but each time I dressed I had to rip them off at speed. Everything was giving me the ick.
Which was giving me anxiety, as I felt I should wear some clothes to lunch, I think everyone would prefer me to.
I finally decided on a floaty dress and some very stretchy, comfy maternity tights, and hoped for the best.
I felt ropey af though. Bilious doesn’t even begin to cover it.
I played the game of ‘stomach bug or over cherried’ in my head all the way into town.
I start getting anxious because I fret I might be vomity. So that’s super fun.
All totally avoidable too. I am aware. I know it was my own fault.
Dress from French Connection, Tights from Tesco, Boots from Gucci.
Arros was as good as ever, which is super good to start with.
If you love paella it’s a must!
For the 5 of us dining, we ordered many many starters. The special bread (which tastes like heaven) and three paellas.
The Brontosaurus…no, not brontosaurus, I mean the Tomahawk…but it looks pretty brontosaurus-y to me, the Valencian and the chicken.
I don’t eat red meat but I was assured the steak tasted amazing.
We had the rabbit free Valencian one, which was new to me but absolutely delicious.
The chicken is my favourite, it is incredible.
Nothing went to waste. It was so good. So good.
I really love the atmosphere at Arros QD. Pretty much all of the other customers are Spanish. Which I love, you know you’ve made the right choice if a restaurant is full of its countrymen.
We ordered alcohol free beers, they do stock them now. But they had sold out, so rather than disappoint us, they sent one of the waiters out to get some.
Like I said, they really are fantastic! It’s such a relaxed vibe in there. And the toilets are impeccable..I can’t say that for every restaurant in London.
Make sure to order the bread. Honestly it’s so good, it’s hand made by cherubs I believe. :)
After a long and joyful lunch, we headed to the Tate, and James and Tanya headed home.
We are now officially the age where brunches and lunches are so much more desirable than evening meals. I suppose one benefit is you can eat loads, but it has time to digest before bed.
We got a cab to St. Paul’s and walked across the Millennium Bridge. The copious amounts of food digesting with every step.
I was so pleased Ben suggested going to the exhibition. I had seen it advertised, but I hadn’t caught where it was going to be held.
I love Impressionist art. Always have.
I’m a huge fan of Cezanne, Gauguin and Monet. I love Van Gogh and Manet and his wife Berthe Morisot. I love it all. So I was delighted when Ben asked if I wanted to go.
It’s a really good exhibition if you love Cezanne. Lots of works to see.
Sunday we did sweet FA. And it was wonderful.
We did however do loads of jobs around the house that have needed doing since Christmas, we just just haven’t been around to get them done.
I did a lovely brunch for us. I made the worst croissants you will ever see in your life, and they tasted nasty too. So 10 bonus points to me! Hahaha
The rest of the day was just a pottering and tidying day. It was surprisingly good. It’s good to have a restful rest day. :)
******
We’ve discovered a new TV show. So if you loved Ted Lasso, I think I’m safe in saying that you’ll very much enjoy Shrinking on Apple TV. It’s sooooooo good!!
Like Ted Lasso, it’s just so full of heart. It’s the best role I think I’ve ever seen Harrison Ford play too.
Monday I decided get my steps up as my watch keeps judging me…and it’s really pissing me off.
That said, if it hadn’t have shamed me into moving my arse I would have missed a beautiful day. Fifteen thousand steps and some beautiful scenery later I arrived home to find my new Skims delivery had arrived.
…and this is how you’ll find me forever!
I’m never leaving this loungewear. It’s the cosiest, fluffiest, snuggliest clothing you will ever have. And I bought it in the sale too - winning :)
I’ve literally wrapped myself in cotton wool, which I’ve wanted to do for years quite honestly. And now I can. :)
Oh and new ailment of the week alert. I seem to have developed something called Dry Eye. Which is a ridiculous name for something that has left my eyes streaming tears continuously for days on end. So much so the skin on my face is all burnt and sore from the salty water running down it.
I’m turning 50 in 96 days time and I’m extremely happy and excited to do so. I could just do without the daily reminders that I’m now an old lady hahaha.
So far I have bought 6 different types of eye drops to no avail. So if you have any suggestions please hit me up. ;)