I think it’s pretty clear from reading my blogs or following me on social media that I am very comfortable with stoma owning.
And sometimes I think people wonder how that is possible.
Some of it was determination to not let something that nearly killed me take up any more of my valuable time. Cancer has taken a lot from us as a family, our peace of mind mostly. It took a lot from me personally, but I refuse to let it take my sense of self, my sense of humour, and love of life.
All that said, last week I had a wobble. Twice actually. One was a big one (for me).
Chris was heading up to London for a meeting. And I decided to go up, do a final bit of Christmas shopping, a spot of lunch, and then head to The Savoy Hotel to meet Chris for dinner. And to see the fabulous Christmas exhibit, which Belinda (goddess in charge of the flower and seasonal displays at The Savoy) and her team had created.
We have a little tradition of staying at The Savoy around this time of year, but India was a bit spenny, so we decided that just having dinner was a perfectly lovely alternative.
It was going to be a very long day for me. One which I’d be on my own for most of it.
And it was at the point of getting ready in the morning that I started to get a little antsy, panicked and frustrated.
I wanted to wear jeans because it was absolutely freezing out. And jeans are just so easy to wear…well they are for the unbagged.
…Not so much for me, and that’s what pissed me off. I had to find something warm, but also with the lowest risk of leaking possible.
So jeans weren’t going to work. It’s moments like that that really bring the reality of stoma-ing into very sharp focus.
I don’t dwell, or think about the negatives in general. But on a cold December day I felt really fed up.
Yes, I found an alternative outfit, but it pissed me off in that moment that I had to.
I’m fine about it now, actually I was fine about it then, it was just a flash of frustration, and a big “FFS, this would be so much easier if I didn’t have a bag!”
And you know what, that’s okay. It’s okay to feel disappointed and defeated sometimes. We’re only human. It’s okay to just feel really sad or angry or both!
(…as long as it’s fleeting and doesn’t consume you. If that’s happening, it would be best to speak to a professional).
As it turned out, having a stoma was the least of my concerns that day. And that’s how it usually transpires every time I feel the disappointment with my stoma, life has a way of coming along and resetting my brain.
Dress from Primark, Bag from Goyard, Boots from Russell and Bromley.
So off I go, it my snuggly, warm, unlikely to cause leaks dress, and my beautiful black wool coat, and my brand new oversized (Acne Studios dupe) scarf.
And for whatever reason…I think I got a bit muddled, and rushed at the last minute…because I bought this scarf from Osprey to wear with my camel coloured wool coat. Not the black version.
In hindsight, it doesn’t take a genius to work out, that a fluffy oversized scarf in light coloured fabric is not ideal to wear with black wool. Might get away with it a black shiny polyester, but definitely not on wool.
I had been in London about 3 minutes when it became apparent that I had made a terrible decision by choosing this coat.
The black coat was becoming fluffier and fluffier with pale colour fibres. I tried to ignore it, but it was really bothering me.
I am an imperfect perfectionist. I want and need it, but just can’t seem to ever attain perfection. But I ruthlessly demand it of myself again and again. I am constantly setting myself up for a fall.
By the time I had got across London to Harrods I was a walking fur ball, I looked like I lived with a pack of a thousand golden retrievers.
At this point I noticed people’s stares and glances, I knew exactly what they were thinking, because I was thinking the self same thing. “Oops, someone’s made a mistake with their life/fashion choices today”.
The problem was it was so cold out I couldn’t take the coat off, and I couldn’t just take the scarf off because of the fluff covered coat.
Should it have bothered me in the grand scheme of things? Obviously not. There are bigger problems in the world than fluff.
Did it bother me? Yesssss! It really did!
I was beginning to sweat, and a little bubble of embarrassment mixed with anxiety started rising within.
So I decided to go for lunch. Which meant I could take the coat and the scarf off and have a bit of a think about a plan.
Coat from Boss, Scarf from Osprey.
When it came to paying my bill for lunch the waiter asked if I wanted to use my Harrods Reward Points (clubcard points) to pay for it. I then asked them how much I had on the loyalty card.
And that’s when a plan came together. I paid for my lunch and then headed off to look in women’s wear.
I was looking to buy a gilet of some sort at some stage in the future. I like my arms being free to move, I don’t like the restricted feeling of coat wearing.
So on the fourth floor I found the solution to my fluff fluff up.
I said the classic line “don’t wrap it, I’ll wear it…But could give me a big enough bag to put my big coat in please?”
Okay, so not as snappy as the original line, but much needed nonetheless.
The solution ~ all paid for with clubcard points, so by girl math, that makes it free. ;)
Once I’d sorted my mistake out I was free to enjoy the rest of my day.
I walked for miles, I shopped for hours.
I walked through Covent Garden to get to The Savoy. It’s so beautiful and Christmassy and utterly glorious. It was dark by this point and it felt so lovely to see all the people enjoying the season of good cheer.
I love London, but I especially love it at Christmas.
I then headed to the Savoy, where I was a bit early to meet Chris, but I was able to have a chat and a catch up with the incredible Belinda to complement her on her beautiful display.
If you are passing the Savoy it’s definitely worth a visit. And if you go on the hours of 5pm, 6pm and 7pm you’ll see the ‘snow’ outside.
Yep, they have a train, inside the foyer. :)
It’s absolutely magical.
Of course I couldn’t resist a play in the ‘snow’. :)
Date night in my Primark Dress at the Savoy.
I waited in the American Bar for Chris, with a glass of alcohol free bubbles. It felt very cosy and Christmassy.
Once Chris arrived we headed to The Grill for dinner, where I discovered that the wonderful Belinda had made a bouquet of flowers for us. She’s not only incredibly talented, but absolutely the nicest person too. :)
I was a bit stunned to be honest. And my flowers caused quite the stir and intrigue from other diners.
So, thank you B, thank you so much. Xx
We had a fabulous meal. And a really great evening. It really did get me in the Christmas spirit.
We then got the Tube back to our car parked in Stratford. And it’s at this point I have an apology to make to the persons who sat in my seat next on the Central line, because I hadn’t taken into account the flowers would have water in them, and I laid them down on my lap, and water being water, poured onto my lap, seaped between my legs and came to rest on the seat of the train. Thankfully my dress didn’t show the massive wet patch…but the seat did once I stood up.
I was mortified, and grabbed Chris’s hand once we reached our stop and just said “run!”.
He had no idea why, but came with me anyway.
So to all the subsequent travellers on the Central Line, that was just water. No need to fret. :)
It’s cold here now, so that makes everything seem even more Christmassy and beautiful.
I decided to get cracking on the inside of my Christmas decorating.
Tree 1, the dining room;
The retro Christmas tree, with vintage baubles. Some belong to my mum and dad, from their first Christmas in 1969.
Tree 2, the living room;
The fairytale/Nutcracker tree
Tree 3, the kitchen;
The up-cycled decor tree
*These are previous purchases’s empty boxes and box trimmings. I have simply up-cycled them, because they are too pretty to throw away.
There will be no Dior under the tree this year, cue the violins. Hahahaha.
Tree 4, the bedroom;
The grotto, and yes, there is a tree in this room too. It’s a tiny little tree in front of the dolls house.
I’ve had so many people message me about my Christmas decor. Which is so lovely.
Thank you to them. Xx
I feel I do need to point out though that no one should ever feel theirs aren’t up to standard. All Christmas decorations are beautiful.
And the main point is, I have way way wayyyyyyy more available time than most to think about decorations. I have very little else to do, so of course I have tons of head space for thinking up weird and wonderful ideas.
I start planning my decor designs in January. I have a great interest and passion for it. It’s almost a full time job. ;)
I’ve been wearing my new ‘free’ gilet a lot. It’s heaven to have my arms free of the restrictions of tight sleeves. :)
Gilet from Max Mara, Jeans from Tesco, Top from Ralph Lauren, Shoes from Tods
It’s super warm and cosy, and exactly what I was hoping for.
Right, now we come to Saturday, it was super fun and super Christmassy.
Chris takes work clients out entertaining. And very luckily for me I get to go along too. Which is bloody brilliant for the jobless like myself. :)
I get to get all dolled up and experience these wonderful events, meet lovely people and generally have a great time.
I know, I have to pinch myself that this is happening to me of all people too. ;)
Dress from All Saints, Shoes from Jimmy Choo, Bag from Chanel. Cape from Burberry.
The dress is old now (by social norms. This was its third outing!), The cape is even older, but an absolute classic and will last forever (or for as long as the moths are kept at bay). But I decided to change a few things to make it feel like a fresh look.
So I bought a diamanté belt and headband from Primark and gave myself a glittery Christmas make over.
I absolutely love the headband, and for £3.50 it’s a bargain.
It reminded of that rumour that leaked from the royal family that Charles banned anyone but his wife from wearing tiaras for the coronation…which must have put Kate out a bit because she had a shiny hairband bought or commissioned instead.
Which looked exactly like a tiara, without actually being a tiara. I love that sort of response to petty people. Good for her! Hahahaha.
Don’t let anyone dull your sparkle!
It’s very sparkly, as is the £7.00 belt. Money well spent this time.
My second dose of stoma reality came in the form of paranoia about potentially having a bag leak on the train.
It hits me like a punch in the guts sometimes.
Again, I am only human, I can only be human. I’d love to say it wouldn’t bother me if my bag did leak. But that would be a big fat lie. I’d be mortified, devastated and probably a bit traumatised.
But life, especially my life, is all about choices. I get to choose if I go out and play or not. I get to choose if I stay home and hide. My life, my choice.
But I just can’t do it. One day the fear might get the better of me and I might stay home. But so far, my defiance has seen me through.
I am very defiant…and some might say contrary. :)
Which has really come in handy in life as it turns out.
If I’d stayed at home on Saturday I’d have missed going on the Belmond British Pullman train, I’d have missed a day out with Chris, and the really lovely clients, I’d have missed the fabulous food, I’d have missed out on seeing the snow in Kent. I would have missed out.
Which for me would be a greater risk to my wellbeing than the risk of a potential leak.
The Belmond train trips are magical to start with, I’m very fortunate to have been on so many. But add in some Christmas decor and a sprinkling of snow…Mag-ical!!
Lucky doesn’t even begin to describe it. I am very very grateful for this life, for the people I have in it, and for all the experiences I get to have. Xx
I really hope you are enjoying the build up to Christmas. Wishing you well. Xx
Not stoma related, but I just thought I’d mention these clever little wipes I’ve just discovered.
I am a spiller, I’m a nightmare for it. Is it even dinner time if I’m not wearing half of it?
I spilt curry on my All Saints dress in these photos while we were in Mumbai. I took it to the dry cleaners and they couldn’t get it out. Anyway, I saw these online and thought it was definitely worth a try.
So having spilt the curry down myself 2 weeks ago, and it having been dry cleaned in the meantime, I used the wipes on the stains and managed to get them out!!
So if they can do it on curry stains, that are old and fixed in, imagine what they can do on a fresh stain!??
They come in a handy handbag size sachet form, I’m not going to leave home without them now. :)
Keep well, stay stain free 🤍