It’s been a pretty tough week this week. You know one of those weeks where life gets in the way.
There’s a saying I love “we make plans and God laughs”.
Well that’s what we’re living at the moment. I’m sure everything will be fine. But waiting is tricky. Spiralling is almost impossible to avoid and catastrophizing becomes the norm.
But we move on. Slowly and surely. All will be well.
All and any emotions we are experiencing, are not only valid, they are normal and to be expected.
If you’re having a rough time at the moment too, I’m sending love. I wish all is well for you.
I’m not really in any mood to write, but I really wanted to write this blog about something I feel is very important. But my brain is a bit fried from fear and worry (not about me, I’m fine).
I still think it’s important to mention;
Twelve years ago, during my colorectal cancer tumour removal I also had an oophorectomy. My ovaries had been destroyed by radiation and there was a cyst on one of them so it was decided by my colorectal surgeon that removing them would be the best plan of action.
It’s a shame my womb was left in place. Don’t get me wrong, I was distraught about losing my ovaries, devastated actually. I was only 36 at the time.
My womb and ovaries defined me as a woman (I’m not speaking for anyone else but myself here).
Losing the ovaries to surgery, and a functioning womb to chemo and radiation nearly broke me.
So I guess you’ll think it’s weird that I’m saying I wish they had taken the womb too. I get why you’d think that.
I didn’t want to lose any of it to be honest. If I could I’d have kept it all, come to that if I’m wishing for things I might as well wish for cancer never appearing in the first place. But them’s the breaks - being left with a womb but no ovaries has caused me no end of problems.
I started on HRT six weeks after my surgery. And for eleven years I was on one particular brand.
And for eleven years I lived half a life. You wouldn’t know it to see me, or to read my blogs, but I have suffered from horrendous hormone damage symptoms, amongst other things extreme fatigued - exhaustion like you wouldn’t believe.
I’ve not been pretending this whole time. I do have a fabulous life. But at the same time I was a shell of a woman. Two things can be true at the same time.
I, at times have had to force myself to get up out of bed, literally crawling. It doesn’t help that I have a B12 deficiency too, that is true. But even after I’d have my 8 weekly injections, I still didn’t ever feel pumped and amazing, I usually feel, just slightly less like a bog monster.
Last year I decided I wanted more. I wanted to feel more human, less dug up corpse and more vibrant nearly 50 year old (okay, so the young will feel that’s oxymoronic to start with). I knew something wasn’t right. I felt I could make changes to become the woman I wanted to be.
So I set about seeing private GPs for advice. They were great. They listened, they understood, they heard me.
I changed my 1 HRT tablet a day, for a whole range of HRT medicines. Patches, increased tablets, and vaginal pessaries for the raging bladder symptoms I was suffering.
And for a few weeks things were okay. Not incredible, but okay.
Then I started bleeding in October. Which shouldn’t be possible with no ovaries in place. But hey, that’s me! I like to be different.
The bleeding was draining me. I became iron deficient on top of everything else.
I finally had that seen to in March this year when I had a womb ablation and Mirena coil fitted.
I can’t explain to you the joy of not bleeding anymore after months and months of continuous heavy ‘periods’. Not sure mine can be described as that, but it’s effectively what it was.
But I still didn’t feel great. I went back to my gynaecologist and explained that although I was endlessly grateful that he stopped the bleeding I still felt washed out, lack lustre and like a slug.
He then suggested I start taking testosterone…a bit panicked due to my not being a man, I asked why I would take testosterone.
Oh he says, women’s bodies make testosterone too, in the ovaries. It’s just with the combination of oestrogen and progesterone women’s bodies regulate how it’s used by the body.
Then a light bulb went off in my head.
If ovaries make all 3 hormones, and I had my ovaries removed, what hope did I have?!?
Twelve years it’s taken to be on the right track.
I’ve been on all 3 hormone therapies now for just over a month. And I can already feel the difference (okay, I can see the difference too, because I’ve had to tweeze a few extra black hairs from my chin, but it’s a small price to pay)
My head is clearer, the fog is lifting. My energy levels are raised. I find I get to bed now shocked and delighted about how much I’ve achieved in the day, I’m less achey in my muscles and tendons, which would usually take turns in causing me pain. My sex drive has gone from below zero to mind you’re own business we’re having a lot of fun!
I can see a drastic change. A huge improvement. I’m not ready to run marathons, but I’m also not whimpering with fatigue by the end of the day either.
If you are experiencing probable menopause and peri menopause symptoms please please please go and see your doctor.
Women, and men come to that, are incredibly under informed about menopause.
Ask any pre menopausal person what menopause is and they will probably say “your periods stop”.
Some might say women go a bit bonkers with it and start shop lifting - like Dot Cotton did in Eastenders (circa 1992).
But for the most part people don’t know much about it.
Now, I’m not saying every woman will suffer terribly through menopause, in fact 20% of women sail through it, and to them I say ‘thank the lord!!’ It’s comforting to know some women get through it okay. That’s great!
But for some it is the most horrific time of their life, and to those people I say please don’t take it sitting down. Don’t accept what we are largely told is our fate as women.
Speak up, speak out. Educate yourself and others along the way.
Speak to your GP.
Help is out there. Don’t give up hope.
Find menopause support groups, there’re plenty about.
I have an app that I used for a time to look what help was available.
It was quite eye opening, and good to know I wasn’t alone.
My journey through menopause has actually been quite simplistic in a way.
Mine was never a guessing game. Mine was very simple. My ovaries were removed when I was 36. Job done, book closed.
But actually. There was a problem in so so much as all the medical professionals I saw in the last 12 years with the symptoms I was having, didn’t give me what I needed. Which was a combination of the all three vital hormones I was missing the instant my ovaries were removed.
I finally feel like I’m on stable ground. I finally can see the light. I can finally hope that I will feel more human again.
I think a lot of people, men and women will be surprised by some of the actual menopausal symptoms, knowing only the main ones;
hot flushes
night sweats
vaginal dryness and discomfort during sex
difficulty sleeping
low mood or anxiety
reduced sex drive (libido)
problems with memory and concentration
But it can be so much more than that. For some it can feel like they are losing their mind.
I feel for women who have to go through the full natural process.
Even though I hated losing my ovaries, at least I knew what was causing my problems for the most part.
But to go through some of the list below and not not what was happening, well, that would be incredibly traumatic;
There was a study in the 90s that found that HRT increased the risk of some cancers. This study has been re-examined and found to be flawed.
But still women are fearful of taking HRT because of that flawed study.
And again, if you don’t want to take HRT I totally get that. I understand and I have no wish to influence anyone if they are absolutely against the idea.
But for those that are interested, there are benefits of HRT which include:
Reduction in vasomotor symptoms.
Improvement in quality of life. ...
Improvement in mood changes.
Improvement of urogenital symptoms.
Reduction in osteoporosis risk.
Reduction in cardiovascular disease.
Lower risk of colorectal cancer.
The key is finding the right combination of HRT preparations that suit your symptoms. Sometimes the first drugs you try are the right ones. And sometimes, in cases like mine, it takes 12 years to find the right combo.
Please don’t give up hope. There is always hope. Believe me. There is always hope. Xx
Dress from Marks and Spenser, Shoes from Hermes
I’ve kept myself busy and occupied this week. And thankfully we had a night out planned on Friday, which I knew was going to be fun, we were really looking forward to it.
We were off out to Sketch in London - Sketch - famous for its funky/trendy decor, and even funkier pod toilets.
No visit is complete without taking toilet selfies. Hahahahaha
Some girls, are totally oblivious to the fact that they are actually functioning toilets.
Chris was joined at the urinals section by an overly eager to impress Instagramer!!
Can’t wait to see her face when she looks back at those photos of her pouting and Chris using the facilities behind her - completely unaware of his existence in the moment.
Dress from Micheal Kors, Shoes from Jimmy Choo, Bag from Dior
The newly refurbished Gallery is beautiful. It’s now a more grown up, sophisticated Instagrammers dream, compared to the garish EL&AN type, in your face pink that it was prior.
The food as ever was delicious. The waiter did seem to have an issue with how and what I ate though. It was like the old days, being in the company of unpleasant people who would chide and criticise my every waking moment.
It was bad enough from them, but for the waiter to be doing it it seemed extraordinary. It made me laugh a lot though.
Our guests were, as expected great company and an absolute delight.
It was such a wonderful evening.
Make sure you eat all the tomatoes, the waiter doesn’t like it if you leave some.
Make sure you don’t put too much of the butter dressing he brought to you in a jug, he doesn’t like it if you put too much on. Hahaha
I had to tell him it’s ok, I’ve eaten food before, l’ve got this! I know what I’m doing.
We had such a lovely evening. I look forward to catching up with our guests again soon.
Saturday we headed down to see Sam, Milly and Zak.
They did us a wonderful bbq. They’ve just bought some new patio furniture and their garden looked amazing!
It was such a lovely visit. I picked up some more eco cleaning cloths that Milly makes (check out Boundless Interiors online).
We left fairly early so they could chill out and rest.
While we headed to Bicester Village to get some more Penhaligan’s hand wash, and Chris some new work trousers.
Dress from M&S Shows from Hermes, Bag from Louis Vuitton
Sunday Chris and I headed into London for one of our favourite activities. We met up with our dear friend James, for our regular (it’s actually not that regular at all, the last time we did it was the end of November) picnic in the park.
We head to Fortnum and Mason as soon as it opens. We buy up most of the deli counter (no exaggeration).
*I have a correction to make. In all my previous blogs I’ve said that we picnic in St James Park. But it’s actually Green Park as it turns out.
Top from Sandro, Shorts from Tesco, Shoes from Gina, Bag from Chloe
I bought another picnic bag in there. Why? Well, why the devil not!
And my pièce de résistance…
A scotch egg carrier!!!!
Tragic though it may be, my life is now complete. :)
We had such a chilled out time. And way too much food (if only the waiter from Sketch had been there to assist us!!) hahaha
We were utterly beaten by the amount we bought.
You can get a picnic box in F&M. Either the £10 box or the £12 box.
Obviously we ordered the £12 box - each!
Reader, save yourself the money and the bloating. You only need the £10 box - between two people!
You do not need a £12 box each, I repeat - you do not need one each!!
It was such a great day.
Then back home. Back to reality. And the wait.
Keep well, check yourself and get others to check for signs and symptoms of cancer. All and any weird things going on need to be looked into. Without delay. Xx
Much love xx