It’s been a busy one! And so as night follows day my brain has been working in self imposed, insecure overdrive. ;)
Part of Chris’s job he takes clients out, wining and dining them.
This is not a world I was used to. I was a Nanny by profession, and there was very little schmoozing involved, well, none to be precise.
I have been a part of Chris’s life for 28 years, but it’s something that I’ve never gotten used to.
I have some serious social anxiety and severe imposter syndrome.
I still feel like a children’s Nanny when faced with business people. I have no clue what they are all on about, or what people in offices actually do (including Chris).
Their world is alien to me.
I think a lot of that insecurity comes from failing miserably academically all my school life. I have dyslexia, dyscalculia and dyspraxia. None of which was picked up during my schooling. I only found out when it was confirmed Sam and Ben had/have these issues too, although they have a different combination of the dys’s to me though.
Thankfully neither one of them have dyscalculia (which I thank the universe for regularly. It’s the one thing that still haunts me personally).
I can read, and obviously I can write (hello you, reading my writing). But the maths thing defined me as ‘thick’ at school. And that label has stuck with me like Gorilla glue since then.
I feel very insecure. But maybe perversely - luckily, not getting the help I needed through school made my brain develop coping strategies. I am a master (mistress) manipulator, and an expert smoke and mirrors creator.
I can deflect and disguise my ‘failings’ incredibly well. And something which caused me so much distress as a child I now at times consider my super power,
I can see my way around problems when they arise. My brain has been trained from a very young age to get where I need to go by unconventional routes.
Often I can find a solution to something ahead of Chris, with his classic academic intellect ~ his is considerable, and measurable because he can take exams to prove it.
And although I don’t consider my dys’s as failings anymore they still at times cause me some angst. No idea why, it’s not like someone is going to make me stand in front of a hushed room to repeat my times tables ~ I feel queasy at the very suggestion.
I do see how far I’ve come with those hindrances in tow, and now know they were a blessing. I’m me, this me, because of them, in spite of them, and it really would be boring as f*** if we were all the same.
The world needs everyone, because everyone brings something different to the table.
I wholeheartedly believe that, but it doesn’t help me much when I enter into business social situations, actually come to that, all and any social situations that are new to me. I feel like that condemned ‘thick girl’ all over again.
So, yes, I do go, and stand by Chris’s side and smile, but that insecure voice inside my brain is screaming “get out!!! You don’t belong here!!!
In the build up to Thursday’s day out with the clients I was having the usual symptoms. Rapid heartbeat, feeling like I can’t catch my breath. Pins and needles in my hands and arms, cold sweaty palms. Thoughts of I must be pending a heart attack swirling through the fog. And general feelings of dread.
The funny thing is the feelings do dissipate, but then they are replaced by torturing myself with feeling like I must have said something stupid, wrong, offensive, incendiary during the course of the day.
Oh it’s so much fun inside my head. The most peculiar thing is I love meeting new people. I make friends wherever I go. For example I have friends I met on flights, trains, shops etc. The difference is of course I chose to initiate those conversations. It was on my terms. I chose to put myself out there.
I’m a professional over thinker. I panic before and after any gatherings. I’ve got it all covered. :)
On top of all this swirling round my head, I have the added nerves that my stoma will misbehave in some publicly, emotionally distressing way. A loud unexpected fart, a leak, something out of my control.
Then add in the normal amount of social interaction anxiety that most other humans feel anyway.
As you can imagine I’m a right barrel of laughs in the build up to days/evenings out. Hahaha
Thursday we were on one of the British Pullman trains with clients from one of the businesses Chris works for. The clients were people I had never met before.
This is the pinnacle of anxiety for me. I’m gobby, I’m loud, I’m a bit much, I’m best served in small doses, so the thought of imposing me on clients for a whole day is a bit nerve racking.
However these days I take solace in the fact I gave up drinking 5 years ago. Because that Suzanne was even worse than this one I presently reside in. ;)
My first issue is finding the right outfit (like that actually matters in the grand scheme of things - I believe we may have found the definition of a first world problem).
But in the moment it matters to me. I want to hit the right note of not under dressed and not over dressed. Which is hilarious on this particular day out. It was a murder mystery trip on the Belmond British Pullman train.
Over dressed? Not possible as it turns out. So many people (men and women) came dressed in full 1930s inspired outfits.
The fringed Charleston dresses, the headbands and a fair few with long gloved hands and cigarette holders. It was an incredible sight. So much care and attention. And there’s me wondering if my slightly shimmery dress was a bit OTT. Hahaha
Dress from Ted Baker, Shoes from Jimmy Choo, bag from Valentino Rockstuds, Cape from Burberry.
I love this cape. It’s beautiful. But I haven’t got the wear out of it I’d have liked, mainly because of the whole being in lockdown for two years extravaganza.
The train carriages themselves are spectacular. Most are original from the 1930s, 40s and 50s. If you’re ever tempted to do one I recommend the trips that have a destination involved. Where you get off and go sightseeing, then get back on later on in the day. They are such lovely days out. Really very special. We’ve done a lot of the trips now. My favourite destination being Bath, my least favourite was Stratford upon Avon - to Shakespeare country (God it was dull, like being on a school trip. I didn’t care about Shakespeare as a child, and I definitely don’t care now).
That said the train journey part is always amazing. The food is incredible. The decor and surroundings are stunning. The staff are hilarious and warm and beyond welcoming.
They have great stories to tell about guests they’ve entertained on board, from The Queen Mother to Nelson Mandela to the Rolling Stones.
I know Holly Willouby and her gal pals enjoy it, because they were on the train we went on in December last year.
It’s a real treat. I’m very grateful I get to tag along. Even if I am a like a fish out of water.
Our guests on Thursday were absolutely lovely. This is the ridiculous part of my fretting before and after the client entertaining - all the guests we’ve ever taken out have been amazing. Such fun, warm and friendly people. Never met a rotten one yet.
We’re looked after very well by the on board team. Everything about the day is perfect.
The food is so good I polish off every scrap, I feel like a fois gras-ed goose by the end of it I’m so full.
I have a few cold sweats fretting about if my bag leaks on the train - what would I do? People with stomas, in my case a colostomy, do not smell day to day. If you spent the day with me you are very unlikely to smell anything from me at all, as long as my bag doesn’t leak. Some of the contents of the bag have been in there for 24 hours, it’s not pleasant come bag change time (And that’s coming from me, the bag owner).
My bag very rarely leaks. But it has happened in the past. Which means I’m on heightened alert for it.
I’m also on tenterhooks worrying about noise from it.
It’s all well and good people saying “oh don’t worry about it, everyone farts”. I appreciate they do. But it’s not something I’d do voluntarily.
I have no control over what my stoma decides to do. And I think that is the scary bit. The not knowing if and when it will sound.
But, I have two options 1, stay home and never take the risk…or 2, live life to the full and accept the small, but ever present risk of embarrassment.
It’s take the risk all day long for me personally! What would have been the point of going through everything that I did if I’m just going to stay home cocooned by the safety of the same four walls.
No, it’s far better, though not easier, to go and literally live my best life. :)
And I really do!
Thursday was great fun as always, then on to Friday. We were headed for a weekend in Wales. We usually head to north Wales to stay at Port Meirion. But this weekend away was super exciting. Firstly we had been invited to a friend’s wedding and secondly we were going to an area I had holidayed a lot as a child.
We were off to South Wales, to the Gower Peninsular.
There was a group of us coming in from the Essex area. The groom is our friend and a visitor to our home for many a Curry Club.
*(our friends started to come regularly for curry, and more and more people started coming along. A couple of times there was 14 of us round the table. We named it Curry Club - for obvious reasons. I cooked, and I can absolutely assure you none of our friends came for the food, I am a diabolical cook. I was doing salad for dinner last night. I put a pan of new potatoes on the hob to boil, walked away and forgot about it. I burnt them!! Boiled potatoes for a salad and I burnt them!!).
Jumper, skirt and boots from Ralph Lauren, bag from Goyard.
I had this outfit in my head for a long time. It doesn’t look how it looked in my head, mainly because I pictured it on a Ralph Lauren model type, of which I am clearly not!
No holiday in the UK would be complete without a stop off at Greggs on the way. I started my over indulging, over eating at this point in the trip and didn’t stop the entire weekend. Which does explain the 5lb weight gain in 3 days. ;)
James, the groom booked us into a fantastic restaurant in Mumbles for lunch. Which meant a very early start for us coming in from England.
The restaurant, Gin and Juice was great, I’d definitely recommend it.
Five of our group are non drinkers, two are. So we had designated drinkers with us to try the cocktails.
As you can see by Catie’s one, they go to town on making the cocktails memorable.
I didn’t want to miss out, so I stole some candy floss and stuck it in my Peroni zero. :)
Even when having a fairly low calorie drink I managed to add sugar in! It’s a talent to be honest. :)
Once we’d finished lunch with the bride and groom to be we took ourselves off for a walk round the shops of Mumbles.
We went into a shop that Catie had scouted earlier as they had arrived before us.
Coco Blush Boutique is quite the spectacle. I have never seen so many bright colours and so many bold patterns in all my life. If an acid trip were to be a shop, this is it! And it’s bloody amazing!
All the girls in our party bought something.
I chose a vivid pink short, shirt dress for holiday.
(Some of Curry Club are going on holiday to Corfu soon. (A holiday? Me? It’s ages since I’ve had one ;) )
We got chatting to the extremely helpful, very welcoming staff. It turns out that the husband of one of the ladies who works there is the executive chef at the wedding venue we were going to on the Saturday.
Small world. But even funnier was the fact that this welsh lady in Wales used to live in Ilford, not far from where Chris and I lived in Romford, and she used to work in the same department store as my aunt worked in Ilford.
We had a lovely chat and bought all our goodies and left.
We then all headed to our separate cars. As our friends and us drove off Chris said he’d like both the dresses that I had tried on, but I only bought the one. So we drove straight back into Mumbles, I jumped out the car whilst Chris parked and stayed with it.
I rang him from the shop and started showing him the two options through the window. I said “I’m holding both up, which dress do you prefer??”
It was only when he said that he couldn’t see me that I realised I was showing a man in the wrong black car my outfit options!! Hahaha
The lady in the shop was peeing herself laughing at me, as was I. We still don’t know if the other man preferred the short or long dress option! Hahaha.
Anyway, I bought my dress, and headed off to catch the others up at the house that the groom had hired for us all to share for his final night as a single man
Probably a wise choice of friends to share that night with. It’s not like us, the temperance society would get him drunk is it. ;)
I have to be honest. When Chris told me we were staying in a house share with all our friends I panicked. If I thought days out were stressful, I can tell you now the prospect of my bag leaking, and bag changing whilst in the same house as my friends was terrifying.
I knew we’d have our own room and en-suite bathroom. But the smell of bag change is extremely strong and cloying. I was in a right state about it.
My friends are lovely. I know they wouldn’t be unkind. But it’s not the point. It’s just how I felt.
The house James had rented for us all was amazing!
It used to be a small hotel which has been changed to a private holiday rental.
It was beautifully designed and decorated.
We had a lovely evening eating, playing shit board games that none of us were any good at…which added to the fun really.
Early Saturday morning the groom, best man and usher went for a run (they’re very sporty and have done many Iron Man competitions together).
Chris and I aren’t sporty, at all, not even slightly. So Chris surprised me when he agreed to come for a walk to the beach.
The previous evening Chris, Catie and I had headed to a beach I used to go on holiday to for many years running as a child. It hadn’t changed a bit in the 35 years I’d been away, even the fish and chip shop was exactly as I remembered it.
So Saturday morning we continued my childhood reminiscing by visiting another beach we used to go to.
It meant a long walk to it (35 minutes one way is long to us), but it was totally worth the early start and a bit of effort.
Tracksuit from Ralph Lauren, Shoes from Louis Vuitton.
After our bracing walk on the beach it was back to the house for breakfast, bag change and to get all gussied up for the wedding.
Thankfully there was a window in our en-suite. This makes life that little easier. Fresh air, Ostomy room spray and a good dousing of perfume helps alleviate some of the stress.
I love my friends very much. But I don’t usually share a house with them.
I had an outside toilet built in our Spain house for when friends come to visit us. That way I can take myself off and not have the embarrassment of smells in the house. So it’s definitely something I feel strongly about.
It was fine while we were away at the weekend though. No one said anything about any smells, so I’m assuming I combated the smell to start with, or my friends are just genuinely decent people and didn’t say anything. Either option is perfectly possible. :)
Dress from Michael Kors, Shoes from YSL, Bag from Chloe
The groom and his support team headed off and we followed behind.
The wedding took place at Fairy Hill. If you are planning a wedding in South Wales I’m going to wholeheartedly recommend it to be held there. I think I’d go as far as to say even if you weren’t planning a wedding in Wales, change your plans and go there anyway.
James and Beccy’s taste is impeccable. I have never been to such a seamless, flawless most perfect wedding before, and I’ve had two of my own!!
This isn’t meant as a criticism of any of the other wedding I’ve ever been to, including my own. But the team at Fairy Hill are incredible.
I’m not sure how they’ve done it, but the venue is spot on for everything. A lot of that must be down to Beccy and James’s planning and input. But the staff were impeccable. The food was the best large scale catering I’ve ever had at any event ever!
My compliments to the lady in the shop in Mumbles husband.
Beccy’s choice in flowers was perfect. Exactly as I would have wanted. I think I’d probably faint if I saw the cost, but they were faultless.
Beccy’s dress? Well, I think it’s the best dress I’ve ever seen…
Why?…
Well for one it had pockets!!
It had already captured my heart with its colour and design but then I found out it had pockets and I was lost in the desire for this spectacular creation…only to find there was more to it than all those things…
….hiding underneath this glorious gown was another dress!!! A sleek, slimline version for the evening!!
Beccy wore both, very well.
I really need this dress in my life! ;)
Heaven, absolutely spot on perfection. Every detail of the day was perfect.
From the From the Hors-d'œuvres to the ice cream stall, to the venue just being fun and quirky and expertly staffed.
Not sure you can top home made ice cream in a bath in a forest. :)
We had such a wonderful time, we were with a big group of friends which meant it was very relaxing to start with. But we met so many lovely people. The bride and groom’s families were so warm and welcoming. We had a fantastic time.
Jo, our friends James and Michael’s mum came too, and is our designated dancer. Jo danced for us all. :)
I wish I did dance, but I’m very boring. I used to just drink at dos and leave the dancing to others, Now I don’t even do that bit, at this point I’m almost a social pariah. :o hahaha
I even met a lovely lady, called Suzanna, who told me she reads my blog. It’s a very very small world as it turns out. I was a bit overwhelmed and didn’t know what to say.
I know people do read it but because I don’t see them doing it I never remember I am speaking to any one but myself.
So thank you for coming if you’ve got this far. :)
We were staying at the venue for the night. It’s not a hotel, but they have fantastic rooms to stay if you’re at a wedding there.
Our room was incredible, overlooking a forest. This place is perfection.
Jumper from Sainsbury’s, Leggings from River Island, Boots from Ralph Lauren.
We bumped into the groom on his way to take the dress to his car in the morning. I tried to do a runner with it. :)
I would have done too if it wasn’t for the fact I can’t run without wetting myself. But it might have been worth the risk. ;)
After a delicious cooked breakfast (some of which was new to us - warm cockles and larva bread served with a fry up? I didn’t, but Chris did and he said it was really delicious) we then headed to the new Mr and Mrs Kings home for a bbq (yep, more food).
Well to say I’m green with envy doesn’t even begin to cover it.
They moved to Wales a few years before all the lockdowns, before people realised they could work from home and still do their job properly.
I think they have bought themselves a slice of heaven.
Twenty three aces of heaven to be precise.
They have their new life in the country, with their dogs, horses and miniature donkeys (could I be more jealous if I tried?!?).
They have their own country walks with all the adventures that that holds.
We had spectacular weather too.
It was an out door ceremony. Which was really special, but always a risk in Wales or the UK as a whole.
It was cloudy, and a few spots of rain fell as the bride got out of the car but it stopped as she walked down the aisle.
You don’t want bright sunshine for an outdoor wedding either. All the photos would be full of people painfully squinting or sunglasses. And you don’t want it so hot the guests or participants start passing out.
The weather, like everything else at Fairy Hall was perfect. :)
I wanted to get a photo of me sitting on this log. But I was forbidden to try by my companions. Something to do with I’m a clumsy bastard and no one was in the mood to sit in A&E with me.
Oh ye of little faith.
It’s the first time we’ve visited James and Beccy, but sadly for them I don’t think it will be our last. Hahahahah.
It’s a glorious place. They literally are living the dream.
I wish them, the dogs, the horses, the donkeys and the solo chicken a very happy happily ever after…and as James, the best man, quite brilliantly said in his speech…
Long Live The Kings!