My blog is playing up, so this is a bit delayed.
The 2nd of October it was World Ostomy Day.
As you know I like/love my life as it is with a stoma. But for obvious reasons this isn’t the case for every stoma wearer.
I think it’s fair to say my joy of stoma life stems from the fact that the only alternative was death, plus the fact that, although having a stoma was my best chance of survival, it wasn’t just down to that. I needed to chemotherapy and radiotherapy therapy to do their bit. And the stoma creation and cancerous tumour removal played its part.
In no way was being here to live another day, to breathe another breath, or to eat another cake guaranteed.
I felt joy as soon as I came out of the ICU. I saw my stoma for the first time (they put a clear bag on to start with), I felt a colossal rush of emotion and gratitude.
That feeling has never left me.
BUT, let’s face it, I think that makes me a bit weird. I totally understand if anyone struggles with a stoma.
I have an easy time of it because I have a very well behaved colostomy. Would I be so excited for life if I had a tricky one? Nope!
I would feel the trauma and stress that people struggling to adjust feel. Probably more so as I am a tad on the dramatic side. ;)
I’ve had some rather unfortunate leaks. The main one being in Harvey Nics (a rather fancy department store in London). The upset I felt in that moment will stay with me forever.
I was embarrassed of course, but it went deeper into my soul than that. It was so destabilising. So truly distressing, so mortifying.
If I had accidents regularly. I would feel those emotions regularly. Which would mean I wouldn’t be the happy little bunny with a stoma I am now.
Yes, I am completely and utterly positive and at peace with my stoma life. I love life, I have a zest for life.
But if you don’t feel that way, please don’t feel any added burden of guilt because of the way you feel, when you see others enjoying their similar life experiences.
For one thing, we’re all different. It’s ok to feel how you feel.
I really hope that you make peace with stoma life. But if you don’t love the stoma then so be it.
I can think of many reasons why you can’t see the joy. I get it. You’re carrying a bag of shit on your abdomen. What the **** is that all about?!?
That’s not what we expected of life! This wasn’t on my goal’s list.
So I very much count myself as very lucky that I feel as comfortable as I do, but it’s certainly peculiar that I love my stoma.
There are probably some deeply bizarre reasons for this.
One, it makes me different. And I like being different.
Two, as soon as I saw my body with a bag attached I felt free of the expectations of social norms. I’m never going to be a flat stomached bikini model (I mean, I never was going to be, but I was hard on myself because I didn’t look like the women in magazines. My stoma freed me from perverse thoughts of body dysmorphia, and of self loathing. When my body was whole I starved it, I loathed it, I punished it for not being better).
But now, because I definitely can’t look like a swimwear model, my brain re set and gave me a hall pass on hating my body.
I happen to be very happy and comfortable in my skin. I see the positives in my body now.
How can having something so drastic, that is deemed so negative by society actually free me from disliking my body? I have no idea! (But see reason one). ;)
Three, It’s very convenient not to have to rush to the toilet 10 times a day. And I guess I’m inherently lazy and having a bag suits my temperament and nature.
(I have a colostomy so my output is firm and easy to get along with. I appreciate this is very different from a high output, liquidy ilesostomy).
Four, I don’t have that sweaty panic, that my bottomed friends have when a surprise but urgently needed poo happens. I really don’t miss that fear at all.
There are many many more reasons I enjoy my life with a stoma.
But I am odd. And that’s ok. I am me. I make no apologies for being who I am. And nor should anyone else.
I have proudly worn a bikini all round the world. I wear a bikini because I want an all over tan, and not because I think my body is anything special to others.
I imagine some people are impressed that I feel so bold and confident. And some are horrified for those same reasons.
That’s really not a me problem though is it. That’s their issue.
I’ve said many times before “other people’s opinion of me is none of my business”. xx
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I’ve been volunteering at the vaccine centre quite a bit. I really enjoy it. I have been very entertained by the comings and goings of life.
And were I to be writing a comedy show I would have an abundance of material to use.
We’ve moved to a different age group now. We’re on boosters for the people that were in the first wave of vaccinated.
So I’ve gone from checking in the under 30s to the very elderly. One lady last week was 93 and I thought she was marvellous. Imagine living to 93?! That’s the dream.
I love the spirit of most of the people coming in.
But mixed in with those lovely ones are some really unpleasant, self entitled posh folk. I cannot bear that demeanour in a person, but they are a source of amusement to me.
I had such a funny interaction with a couple. And hands down best comment of the day.
An old couple arrived. I asked her for the time of the appointment, to which she replied with their surname. I explained very politely that appointments were not alphabeticalized by name, but done on time of the appointment. So could I have the time of their appointment please.
She then rather bluntly, rudely and loudly;
“can you hurry up! My husband is dying!!!”
I was a bit taken aback, and stunned into silence, I then said
”oh my goodness is he ok to have the jab then!?”
She said, with not an iota of self awareness of what she had actually just declared, and not a jot of humour;
“Well he’s just very old, so we don’t know how long he has left!!”
So when she said he’s “dying!!” She just meant as in he’s old. I mean, we’re all dying technically. I actually cracked up. She wasn’t amused, but I think that is one of the most unintentionally funny statements I’ve ever heard.
The poor man, standing there, referred to as dying didn’t seem to notice her nonsense. Poor thing, he must be used to it buy now though I would have thought.
I wouldn’t mind but the minute delay in checking them in was down to her being unable to give me the appointment time, and not my ability to do the job. But the self entitled never think it’s them do they.
I had another elderly man (I won’t say gentleman), hit me on the head with a rather heavy book! My crime? Mishearing his name! As I bent down to check for him on the system for a second time he whacked me on the noggin. I was stunned into disbelief that someone had just clonked me on the head to pull him up on it.
It’s funny because it’s such an utterly preposterous way to behave. Actually thinking it’s ok to hit someone on the head to admonish them, like I was a naughty school girl and he was the headmaster. he had a real, pompous headmaster vibe about him.
But that’s the posh and old for you, thankfully they are few and far between round here. :)
I have been outside doing the job since I began way back in June. It was fine. But now the weather is on the turn it’s a bit trickier.
I went off for my shift the other day in what I thought was a perfectly lovely outfit.
But sadly I was very definitely wrong. I was freezing cold. So cold in fact I could barely think straight.
So I sent Chris a begging message asking if he could bring me some socks and Ugg’s please and thank you very much. He was luckily working from home so he brought them up to me in his lunch break. I have never been more grateful.
My feet will be forever in his debt. :)
Jumper from TK Maxx, Leggings from Mint Velvet, Shoes from Tods
With warm and toasty feet I could get on with the job at hand.
One of my tasks for the day was to look after an elderly gentleman’s dog whilst he went in for his covid booster and flu jab. And it’s moments like this that I volunteer at the centre for. I was able to help, be useful and needed. I don’t think there is a greater feeling than helping others.
I do meet some wonderful people. And I’ve become very friendly with the people who work at the clinic too.
I’m very grateful to my friend Kathy who called me out of the blue one day back in June to say volunteers were needed at the centre. I really do enjoy helping.
I was asked by someone coming for a jab why I was there. I said because I love volunteering and helping.
To which they replied “but why?”
There is only one response “why not?”
I have free time. I have a very nice life. Why not give something back? :)