Life can be a bit of a struggle, even for the perkiest of people. I’m generally, pretty happy, I’m usually able to live in gratitude, which helps keep me bobbing along merrily.
I’m just having a bit of trouble right now.
If you don’t have pets, then I guess my heartache may seem a little melodramatic, but I loved my dog, very much, actually I love her more than I love a lot of humans.
I don’t work, so most days, for the last 13 years it’s just been us two, together. Her following me round like I was some deity.
I miss her, my house feels empty and I’m lonely.
Chris has offered to follow me round but it just wouldn’t be the same, and if he pushes the bathroom door open so hard it hits me on the head, it really doesn’t have the same cuteness factor when relaying the story. In fact it would be highly frowned upon.
I know I will recover, I know I will heal. I know I will learn to live without her. I’ve been here many times before, we have suffered so many losses over the last 13 years, far too many, but through all those I had her. And now it’s her I’ve lost, so this one smarts that bit more.
(I had a friend in her 50’s that had only ever lost grandparents, I can’t imagine what that’s like).
For the first few days I cried solidly (great fun to be with I can assure you). The tears have become less often. They’re still bubbling away though. I ate a whole apple the other day and that made me cry, I haven’t eaten an entire apple to myself in my 16 years of dog ownership. And when I’m cooking I keep throwing off cuts on the floor waiting for them to be joyously gobbled up by my living breathing vacuum cleaner.
Don’t worry, I have cleaned it all up, we’re not living with an ever growing compost heap on the kitchen floor. ;)
I will get there, I know to give myself time. xx
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On one of my many scrolls through Instagram I saw a dress recommendation from an instagramer, it was from Morrison’s, the supermarket. I’ve never shopped in Morrison’s before but for £10 I definitely thought it was worth giving it a go.
Well it arrived after some considerable time…with a security tag still attached, I can’t say I’ll be rushing to order again.
I took it to one of their stores and had the tag removed, so I could at least wear it. I did email them to ask for my delivery cost to be refunded, seeing as I had to drive to the next town along to get it taken off, which rather negated the delivery. In fairness to them they said they would.
For a tenner it’s totally worth it. It’s a great season transition dress, but with tights and boots we can move it on a season too.
Dress from Morrison’s, Shoes from Louis Vuitton.
The days have been a bit of a blur really. I’ve been careful to monitor stoma output. Any stress can change how my guts behave and I really don’t want to end up in the predicament I had earlier in the summer with my failing to spot the signs of constipation in time.
I’ve been wearing dresses mainly to allow for free flow and less chance of blockages.
Look at me actually learning from my mistakes and being proactive! :)
Dress from TK Max, Shoes from Hermes.
Dresses are one of the best ways I know of keeping my bowels happy. Which sounds odd, but not inexplicable. Non restrictive clothing means everything in, can come out at will.
If you are suffering a little backlog, it’s a good idea to wear dresses, skirts or very loose trousers.
I know from previous encounters with grief that I need to channel my sadness. I’ve taken on lots of charity volunteering in the past, which I found hugely helpful, and very therapeutic.
I’m not ready for that in a big way yet, but I cleaned all Peppers beds (yes, all, she had 5 to choose from, was she spoilt?! NEVER!) and took them to the local dog rescue centre, along with her food, and other bits and bobs.
She bloody hated other animals, but it gave me comfort to think some lucky dog would get some use out of them.
While I was there dropping them off I made enquires about volunteering there, so that’s something to consider for the future.
(A lot of people have suggested getting a new dog. I understand people are being kind, but I can’t get THAT dog back, which is all I want, even though she was terribly badly behaved, I don’t want another dog. I want my one).
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But my main distraction at the moment has been cycling. I have done some epically long rides (I feel this might need a caveat. I am the unfittest, least exercise-y person you could ever meet. I hate sport, I pretty much hate sweating too, but I took up cycling a few months back now and thank God I did. It’s been a life saver).
I went out for my longest ride of my life last week.
Twenty three miles!!! I can’t actually believe that was me. Although, I know it was because my bottom felt every mile of it! But me?! 23 miles!!
And last month I racked up over 265 miles. It’s doable. It’s possible to get into cycling, even at this late stage in the game.
Literally if I can do it, anyone can. I only started my cycling journey just a few weeks back after reading The Bowel Cancer Recovery Toolkit, by Sarah Russell.
If you have or anyone you know has a bowel cancer diagnosis please do yourself or someone else a favour and buy this book. It should be given out to every newly diagnosed patient. It is a bible of getting through. It’s even helped me and I’m 10 years post cancer.
Firstly it should help me ward off any further interactions with cancer, getting fit is vital. But also it’s distracting me and calming my brain. So it’s a win win as far as I can see.
I’m so thankful that I can go out and cycle and clear my mind. I’ve never understood the desire to exercise before but I get it now. I really really get it.
We booked some holidays, specifically dog friendly holidays, we had no idea Pep was so poorly. We just wanted to make a few more memories with her because she was getting on a bit.
The first holiday we booked for her was a “log cabin” in Wales.
Even though we weren’t flying off anywhere, I wore my cosy travelling clothes. Probably equally important for long car journeys.
Top from Gap, Joggers from Jack Wills, Shoes from Louis Vuitton
I appreciate I was going through a tough time having just lost her, and I wasn’t in a great head space, but my God I couldn’t have been more disappointed with our abode for our mini break.
I wasn’t expecting a dream log cabin, although I was hoping for one.
Ok, so this one was probably unlikely…
..But this mouldy smelling, horribly furnished/decorated one was a bit of a let down…
Oh and advertised as log cabin with mountain views…
Thankfully north Wales is spectacularly beautiful so we spent as little time in this as possible.
I love Wales, we used to holiday there a lot when I was a child. Chris however has never been before (as far as he can remember oi yoy yoy, he remembers very little of his youth).
I personally would totally recommend a trip to Wales though. See, corona brought with it a trail of death and destruction, but as we weren’t holidaying abroad this year it made us focus our attention closer to home. As the modern folk like to refer to it as a “staycation”. Or as we used to call it as a child - a holiday! Hahahahaha.
Shitty log cabin aside, we had a lovely break, tinged with sadness that she didn’t get to come. We booked a house in Scotland for her next month too, with a 2 acre fenced in garden and a mile and a half from the next property, she would have absolutely loved that, it’s a crushing blow that she didn’t get to do these trips.
But we’ll enjoy the solitude and scenery. Chris needs a good rest from work. So all is not lost.
The main reason I wanted to go to Wales was to go to Portmerion, I must have seen it somewhere on the telly years ago (there was a TV series in the sixties, set there called The Prisoner, but that was slightly before my time).
I’ve always wanted to go, I have been asking Chris to go for as long as I’ve known him, so it’s only taken 27 years. Admittedly, although I wanted to go I had no idea of what it was in real terms. I didn’t know if people lived there or if they were just facades, like Disneyland.
Well all can now be revealed. No, no one lives at Portmerion. It is solely a tourist attraction. The buildings are tourist shops downstairs, tearooms and souvenir shops etc…but, here’s where the magic is…there are hotel suites above them. So as well as being a beautiful place to visit by day, you can actually stay overnight…and we only bloody well are next month!
We were walking around, drinking it all in, it is a feast for the eyes. Chris disappears off to the hotel reception and so blown away by it was he, that he booked us in for a couple nights on our way back from our Scotland holiday in October.
This made me very happy of course but it also cracked me up. We haven’t ever been to Wales before, as a couple, but now we’ll be there two months on the trot. He’s full of surprises that one. :)
Jumper from The White Company, Jeans from New Look, Boots from Dubarry
Portmerion was the brainchild of architect and I’d say eccentric - Sir Clough Williams-Ellis.
*Portmeirion's designer, denied repeated claims that the design was based on the fishing village of Portofino on the Italian Rivera. He stated only that he wanted to pay tribute to the atmosphere of the Mediterranean. He did, however, draw from a love of the Italian village stating, "How should I not have fallen for Portofino? Indeed its image remained with me as an almost perfect example of the man-made adornment and use of an exquisite site. Williams-Ellis designed and constructed the village between 1925 and 1975. He incorporated fragments of demolished buildings, including works by a number of other architects. Portmeirion's architectural bricolage and deliberately fanciful nostalgia have been noted as an influence on the development of postmodernism in architecture in the late 20th century.*
It’s hard to believe it was not inspired by Portofino, it definitely has a strong familiarity and similarity to the Italian Rivera. And as I can’t (won’t) go to Italy right now, this is good enough.
Coming back here to stay next month is a dream come true…even though I didn’t know it was possible until we got there and found out you could. ;)
Some dreams are old, and some, as in this case are new.
It really is very exciting. It’s lovely to visit by day, but I can’t imagine what it will be like come five o clock when the tourists leave.
While we were here we booked in to Castell Deudraeth, which is part of Portmerion, for lunch, with that you get free entry into village. The food was pretty darn good so it’s well worth it if you are thinking of visiting.
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Right, so you know how I’ve been cycling? Well for reasons unclear I assumed with that would come a better, more improved fitness level…oh how wrong I was!!
I was going on and on to Chris about climbing Mount Snowdon. He wasn’t keen, he’s not a fan of walking in general anyway plus he’s working on his back with a rehab physiotherapist and is understandably nervous about further injury.
But I was all “oh come on, how hard can it be, it’s just walking up a hill!!”
I really thought - arrogantly so - that I’d be sooooo much fitter by now. I’m actually OK out cycling, I’m great on hills, I’m slow, yes, but I haven’t had to get off and walk any so far. I’ve built a bit of cycling stamina, BUT this does not translate to mountain hiking stamina sadly.
…and then reality hit me!! Walking upwards is hard actually!
I struggled up the first 1/4 of a mile!! The first quarter of a mile!!! I made it to the little tearoom there.
We had a hot chocolate and some Welsh fruit cake. Which, delicious though it was, it was foolishly, the first thing I’d eaten or drank that day.
Now, what’s ridiculous is, when I go off on my rides I prep for them, with some Weetabix for breakfast and at the very least 500ml of hydration solution.
Why I thought you can just climb a mountain on an empty stomach and no fluids I’m not quite sure.
The owner of the cafe said to try and push on up a bit further. Clearly mistaken that we are fitter than we actually are.
So off we set, further up the mountain. It was way too hard. I had dressed ridiculously in a polyester top and jeans.
The sweat was pouring off me. I was struggling to catch my breath.
It was my bright idea to go up, and my near dissolving into tears desire to stop and come back down.
The paths are steep (I mean, obviously they are, it’s a mountain) and they are rocky. Up was hard on the body (well, mine anyway, I’m sure actually fit people would have no trouble), but the way down is nerve racking as one misstep and you easily could twist an ankle or worse.
I think it’s safe to say that mountain hiking isn’t for me.
OK, so I think I could have gotten further than the ONE mile up I achieved, had I actually prepped a bit better for it, namely - had some breakfast, hydrated fully with hydration powders, worn cotton or breathable clothes, and suitable footwear.
Sam said my outfit was perfect for country pursuits like standing looking good whilst out shooting. But not so much for mountain climbing.
Do I want to find out if I could make it the 4 and half miles to the summit with better preparation? NO I do not! I’m done!
Pepper and I had a 5 mile walk about 3 weeks ago, but 5 miles in almost flat Essex isn’t really anything like the training needed to hike up a mountain as it turns out.
I’m not outdoorsy! Understatement of the century!!
Top from The White Company, Jeans from Topshop, Boots from Dubarry, Bag from Gucci, Coat from Belstaff.
This as it turns out is not hiking wear. Looks fantastic but isn’t up to the job…although nor was the wearer of the clothes.
The views were incredible! And as it happens it was full cloud cover at the top so we saw more at the 1 mile mark than those fit enough to make it to the summit.
Funny story, but I read somewhere that more people need rescuing off of Snowdon than they do off of Everest!! Why is that? Well daft people like myself attempt it with no training, no preparation, as if it’s just a walk in the park, rather than respecting it for the mountain it is. Hahahahaha
We stopped again at the little tearoom on the way back down the mountain too. For another hot chocolate and Welsh fruit cake…and Chris bought me this wonderful T shirt.
Which technically I did, I just didn’t make it to the top! Hahahahaha
There is a little train that goes to the top of Snowdon. It’s £33 a person for the 2 hour round trip. Which is a bit spiteful on the pocket. Plus if the weather is poor up there you won’t get to see any of the incredible views.
Would I book the train for my next attempt? Hell yeah!!!!
We’re holidaying near Ben Nevis next month so who knows, maybe I will walk a mile up that one too! Hahahahaha, unless we can find a train up of course. ;)
We headed to Caernarfon after our mountain climbing escapades. It’s a beautiful town, the castle is incredible. The town is really lovely. In fact it’s fair to say we’ve both fallen in love with North Wales.
We will go again, well, we are going again next month but I mean next year and beyond too.
We absolutely loved our trip. We headed home with heavy hearts…although, I perked up when I saw a motorway service station with a Greggs.
It only took us 4 and a half hours to get home from North Wales, and that includes the 15 minute wait at Shrewsbury services for my vegan sausage rolls to finish baking. :)
Staycations (holidays) are hard to beat, although maybe city breaks are more my thing. Hahahahaha
