I’ve got to be honest I was a bit of a wreck last week. Sometimes you bounce into the week ahead full of life and excitement, and some you can barely roll out of bed into it.
I’m not sure if it was because I’m due my B12 injection, or, and this is just as likely, it was caused by a bit of an HRT glitch.
Picture this, it’s late at night (well, about 9.30pm but that’s late for me), you head upstairs to the bedroom for a night of luxurious, restful sleep (no, this doesn’t happen to me but a girl can dream can’t she!?). Anyway, I go upstairs and I get straight into bed and fall asleep (my insomnia only kicks in once I’ve been to sleep, it’s nice to me like that, always tricking me into thinking tonight’s the night I’m going to go all the way through).
Anyway, I woke up in the morning mildly refreshed, and headed out for my new routine bike ride, the ride was hard and I felt sluggish.
It was only later in the day that I realised I hadn’t taken my HRT the night before.
This is not the first time it’s been missed. I had a ‘hilarious’ one a few weeks back. I was hoovering under the bed when I found one of my HRT tablets on the floor.
I must have missed my mouth as I threw it in and not noticed?!? I know what you’re thinking! How did she miss that big old cake hole!? Hahahahaha
Well, I’ve no idea but I must have done. I ended up in the same state as I am in now.
Let me walk you through my medical history.
During the operation to remove my tumour and to form my stoma I had an AP resection.
Let’s get the science on this…
What is an abdominoperineal resection?
An abdominoperineal resection is a surgery in which the anus, rectum, and sigmoid colon are removed. This procedure is most often used to treat cancers located in the rectum or sigmoid colon.
Annnyway, in my particular case I had to have an oophorectomy too, (removal of both ovaries) as radiotherapy had damaged all my innards in the area. Radiotherapy is fantastic at eradicating cancer but unfortunately it destroys everything in its path. So my female organs were damaged beyond repair, my ovaries were removed.
Sadly I haemorrhaged at this point and my womb wasn’t able to be taken.
So, here I am, left with a useless sack that does nothing useful without it’s superpowers, and the part that does all the work ended up in an incinerator somewhere.
Which means if I don’t take my HRT I bleed. I swear to God I find this harder than pooing into a bag on my abdomen.
If I was going to feel sorry for myself, and sometimes I do, it would be at the devastating loss of my perceived womanhood, than the whole bag of poo on my tummy extravaganza.
The pooing in a bag thing is actually a blessing in so many ways, I can only find positives.
But not having my lady parts pains me (I don’t consider boobs lady parts as men have them too. I’m incredibly fond of my boobs, they’re a cracking pair in my humble opinion but they are not what makes me a woman. That was my ovaries’ job, and now they are no longer there).
It pained me at 36 when I lost them and it pains me to this day.
I have struggled over the years with this aspect of treatment, but never more so when I forget (or miss my mouth) to take my medicine.
It makes me feel yuk. Now this slump is either to do with that or B12 needing doing again. Who knows? What I do know is I just went with it. I cycled when I felt like it and the rest of the time I just flaked out because that’s all I could manage.
There is no need to do anything but what my body feels it can do.
I spent time reading and resting and generally being lazy. I felt like someone had pulled the plug out of me and I was slowly deflating like an air bed.
The exhaustion was overwhelming. I did try and fight it by cycling as much as I could, but it wasn’t much fun, every part of me feels drained.
While I slowly deflated on the settee, I read the books I had bought recently. The first book was tragic as it turns out. I thought it was going to be about the cult itself rather than the lasting damage it did to the children in it. I’m fascinated by cults. Mainly because I know I’d be kicked out in a week. I am incredibly disobedient…just ask anyone that’s ever tried to control/guide me. Hahahahaha.
Saying no to me is probably the quickest way to get me to do something. ;)
I finished that one, relieved that I wasn’t born into a cult. Although at least that particular cult was drug and alcohol free.
The outside world, not so much, it’s completely mind blowing to think of 12 or 13 year olds doing acid…I was literally, and I mean literally playing with dolls until I was old enough to get a job as a nanny, where I continued to play with dolls! Hahahahaha.
Astonishing too, bearing in mind the author is only a few months younger than me. What can I say, I was a late bloomer.
I enjoyed all the excitement the world had to offer, just later than most, and certainly a lot later than the author, Mikel. ;)
Beautifully written, shocking and heartbreaking. It does have a happy ending for the main character though. So all’s well that ends well.
I then started another book and this one is even more alien to me than children skinning rabbits and taking drugs.
I’m not a girly girl. This has been thoroughly confirmed by my reading this book.
My skin care routine is make up removing wipes, sun screen or moisturiser in the morning only.
Well, Caroline has put me right on all that and wipes are apparently the devils work. They should be for emergency use only by all accounts.
I can’t say I didn’t know this, as every beautician I’ve ever had a facial with has told me the very same thing. It’s just a bit more shocking to see it written down.
It really is a fascinating book, even if it’s all a bit overwhelming for me.
It literally might as well be written in Greek because I don’t know how to look after my own face. :)
I have purchased some cleanser and toner, some oil and other potions. I should look 10 years younger in no time…if I was actually going to use it all that is. ;)
After a very relaxing week of pretty much nothing we were going to have a lovely day Saturday.
We were off to visit that beautiful grandson of ours, and his mum and dad of course.
Ben and Kaitlyn came too. It was going to be a lovely family reunion. Ben and Kaitlyn haven’t seen Zak, Sam and Milly since March 1st.
We were meeting up in a lovely country park near them, that had lots of lovely space for Zak to run around in.
The weather was perfect, this dress was perfect for the weather and the day ahead.
Dress from Dorothy Perkins, Shoes from Louis Vuitton
I have a new plan, as I haven’t been able to lose any weight I’m just going to physically hold all the fat in with my hands. Hahahahaha
We got half way there when I got a text from Sam to say he’d injured his back so badly that every time he moved, he threw up…luckily he was outside on a driveway at the time I guess.
Anyway, what with the pain he was in and a few other symptoms we insisted he went to A&E.
Easier said than done if every time you move you’re sick, but Milly managed to get him there in the end.
As no one but the patient themselves can be at A&E, there was no point in carrying on with our journey as we couldn’t see him at the hospital and after that he’d just want to go home and rest…socially un-distanced from a bucket.
We were passing Thorpe Park, theme park at the time his texts came through, but that idea seemed a bit off, Sam writhing around in agony and us living it up on rollercoasters…well, there weren’t any tickets available (yes, we checked, we are very callous).
We turned off and headed into London instead.
It’s really weird, but earlier in the week I’d asked Ben and Kaitlyn if they wanted to come up to London with us for Lime bike riding and general high jinks at some stage.
…But what my actual plan was to take Kaitlyn to the shop and buy her 21st birthday present.
Her birthday isn’t until September but I knew what I wanted to get her and they kept selling out which was concerning me about leaving it too late.
Anyway, Sam’s twisting getting out the car mishap was serendipitous for Kaitlyn and the birthday present as it turns out.
(poor Sam, he was thoroughly checked out at the hospital, with all sorts of tests and scans. It appears his back is in spasm. Easily done. I’m married to a man that herniated a disc in his spine by sneezing. Back pain, tooth ache and ear ache are the worst pains going. Sam is feeling a bit better, but not great).
Anyway, we headed into London and parked in Harrods car park.
It was hilarious watching very very wealthy, overly privileged people finding out that the valet parking wasn’t available due to coronavirus and that they’d have to park their own cars.
One lady got out of her monster truck (it wasn’t, but it might as well have been) and went to hand her keys over, only to be told she would have to do it herself.
I wasn’t sure if she was going to faint or punch him! Her shock was palpable.
In fairness I couldn’t have parked that car, but then that’s why I drive a little one. :)
Once we had parked our own car in there (I say we, but obviously I mean Chris, as if I would drive?!) I realised that I hadn’t packed for a day in London, I had packed for a day in a country park.
So I had to suck it up and take the bag I had brought for the original day out…a grocery shopping bag!!!
I think we all know by now I like to dress up when I go out (although, clearly not for slobbing on the settee).
So there I am, in an outfit that was perfectly fine for any occasion, teamed with a Tesco shopping bag.
Well you have to be confident in all life choices. :)
I imagine no one but me noticed or cared for that matter, although I did feel the need to explain to a shop assistant in the shop we were buying Kaitlyn’s present in that I didn’t plan to bring this bag.
She was very kind and said that it was very stylish on me…these people are highly trained flatterers and sales people. Hahahahaha
We had a lovely time walking round in Harrods, it’s becoming a habit seeing as we were only there last week.
The main goal of our newly redesigned day out was to get Kaitlyn her present. Which we did, she was very happy with it, the tears in this case were happy ones and I have peace of mind that it’s bought and it doesn’t matter if they sell out.
A very fortuitous day for us. Plus Harrods wasn’t that busy so we got a table straight away in one of the restaurants.
We had a really lovely lunch, really lovely. We’ve not eaten in this part before but I will definitely go back.
And yes, I am wearing a bib, because spaghetti and I have history! ;)
We had such a nice time. It was just one of those impulse, spur of the moment kind of days.
We were absolutely gutted not to see Zak and everyone but it’s not like Sam put his back out on purpose, bless him. We will see him again very soon.
We did try to ride Lime bikes but this week wasn’t as successful, we could only find two and one of those was completely broken.
So, we just had drinks in a bar and a walk round, discovering parts of Knightsbridge we’d never seen before. It looked like a quaint seaside town’s street in Kent or somewhere. You always find something new in London, and I’ve been going 47 years now.
Sunday was Chris and I’s gardening day. We got into a pattern of abandoning the garden up until this year, but now we’re on top of it we want to keep it that way.
It does look beautiful out there, even though neither of us are natural born gardeners. We picked veg from the veg patch (best place for it I find) and ate from our garden for dinner.
Those yellow flowers came as a shock to me as I have no recollection of planting them. They’re smashing though so I’m not complaining.
I am however complaining about the effort needed to have a nice garden, I’m thinking most gardeners have some sort of Sadomasicism disorder.
I’m cut to shreds, I’m covered in bites and the muscle pain…arrrrrggghhhh! Hahahahaha
It looks beaut out there though.
I was weeding the gravel in the drive way and I noticed these little plants. I assumed they were weeds, but as I bent down to pick them up they smelt of lavender.
Well as it happens I needed/wanted (depends on your point of view) some tiny little lavender plants and I hadn’t been able to get hold of any.
Most that I’d seen were too big and too expensive.
Well if these are indeed tiny lavender plants they are exactly what I was after!!
I wanted to put them round my olive tree but didn’t want established plants as the roots would be too overpowering to the olive.
I have no idea if digging plants out of the gravel and replanting them in a pot actually works but really what have I got to lose?
We just had a lovely chilled day. And we finally got to use the fire pit.
Our garden has become our sanctuary. I am incredibly grateful to it for not just getting us through lockdown but getting us through the next stage, which in my opinion will be far harder than lockdown itself.
Navigating safely through a more opened up world, is going to be far harder than sitting around at home while everyone else is sitting at home too.
I will now have to factor in that Fear Of Missing Out sensation, because I’m pretty much going to be staying home, by choice this time.
As much as I love a trip out, thankfully being home is such a pleasure and safer.
Chris and I don’t feel comfortable going out fully. Which may seem odd as we’ve been to London three weeks running, but it has been deathly quiet and therefore not scary.
We have also booked a holiday!! Yes, again, I know, sounds an odd thing to do in the middle of a pandemic. But it’s only a long weekend. In Devon, and if you check the chart I posted on last weeks blog a 2-3 night stay at a hotel is low to moderate risk.
We have booked into Burgh Island Hotel. Google it if you love Art Deco. It’s an incredible place, it’s on a little island off the coast of Devon, at low tide you can walk across a causeway to get to the mainland. At medium tide you ride across in the ‘sea tractor’ and at high tide you don’t get across at all.
We didn’t feel comfortable flying to our villa in Spain, so we’ve asked the cleaning company to keep it nice, ready for next year. Besides, we felt it was important for this year at the very least to spend our money in the UK.
We’ve been to Burgh Island before, (Pronounced Burrrr) We had a fantastic time. It’s really very nice. Dinner is black tie and evening wear, which makes it feel really special.
As I’m now far too fat to fit in any of my evening wear, I’ve had to buy a new dress. God I hope this one fits when it arrives.
I don’t mind gaining weight, it’s not like I’m clueless to how it happened, and being heavier isn’t necessarily a terrible thing.
Would I prefer to be slimmer? Yes, a little, certainly, but being slimmer is no guarantee of happiness.
I use to starve myself, plus food that I did eat didn’t stay in me very long as I often had diarrhoea.
About 16 years ago, until about 10 years ago, I decided to make a conscious effort to lose weight, as some distant family members would sing a chorus of “fat girl fat girl fat girl” every time I ate something, bear in mind I was about 2 stone lighter than I am now when they started the taunting. Can you imagine what they’d say now? Hahahahaha.
I ended up 7stone 7pounds. (105lbs). I ate very little, I had very little joy of food and life; because a, I wanted/needed to be thin and b, I was often in agony if I ate something that upset my bowels.
I also had, unbeknown to me at the time a rather large cancerous tumour up my arse. So yes, as much as I was depriving myself of food, the tumour was causing weight loss in its own way too.
So if you ask me if I’d like to be thinner, the answer would be yes, a bit, but not like I was back then. Mainly because the antagonists that were in our life back then have been gone from it for the last 10 glorious years! :)
I love food!! I love life! I love being me!
I had binged and starved myself on and off since I was about 16 years old, it would come back if something/someone triggered it.
Cancer put a stop to that little game, I was done with the old the cycle of starving myself for acceptance as soon as I recovered from cancer treatment.
I no longer saw my self worth reflected in the numbers on the scales.
I appreciate and respect my life, my body, and food! I love my body, no matter what size it is, the only thing that matters to me is buying clothes that fit so I look good no matter what size I am. ;)
A very good quote I heard once from a very large lady was “what goes in me is none of your concern!”
How very true. X
